Happy Campers

Our mate Neen turned 30 on Friday and like all 30th parties, it had to be memorable. Plus she had our fancy dress and bouncy castle party to compete with. Think she trumped us. We spent the weekend camping in Tenby with a trip to Heatherton adventure park. We know last summer we vowed to never return to west Wales after the welcome we received, but we couldn’t say no to this trip. We haven’t been camping since we were 13 and that was in our aunt’s back garden in Guernsey. There were 14 of us in total. For the first time we got to take our pink Smartcar on a road trip as Ryan would be staying in west Wales to look after his mum who’s hopefully coming out of hospital today. We won. We didn’t tell Ryan, Sarah and Craig we were racing as General Pinkinton only has a top speed of 85 & they would’ve trounced us. But a victory is still a victory.

Meadowfarm camp siteWe got to Meadowfarm camp site and immediately pitched our tent. It’s a great camp site, with stunning views and best of all, a freezer in reception where you can store your ice blocks. That came in very handy, even if the trek up and down the steep hill to reception was a killer. Still, it kept us fit and out of mischief. We’d definitely stay there again. In the excitement of camping, we’d bought camping mats, sleeping bags, air beds, chairs & Ryan bought other equipment. We weren’t going to bother with chairs, but Ryan persuaded us that going camping didn’t mean we had to go feral. It turned out, our 3 man tent did not mean 3 air beds. No, we didn’t check this before setting off. So we spent 2 nights with the 3 of us squished onto 2 single air beds. It’s a good job we’re all friends. After staying up ’til one a.m. then not sleeping all night, we woke at 7 ready for Heatherton. On the hottest day of the year.

The first competition took place on the go-karts. Round one was us, Ryan, Neen and Richard. On the second lap, Cat took a fast corner too fast and spun her kart, much to the delight of the spectators. After managing to turn it and drive through the pits, it was game on. But we lost. As much as we love karting, we seriously suck at it. We’d spent the week watching go-karting videos and studying the racing lines on the Heatherton track so we could win. But when it came to the race, the racing line was forgotten. Neen and Ryan lapped us twice. They are very serious racers. Not entirely sure who won that race, think it was Ryan but they’re both claiming winner’s rights. The second group was Craig, Amy, Rachel (AKA Gibbon), Nici and Zoe.

Next up was the bumper boats. heatherton adventure parkWe watched others do this and it kinda looked boring as they chugged around the water slowly. We all got in the boats and turned them into the bumper boats they were supposed to be. We discovered if you turned the engine all the way to one side, the boat would spin really fast, making the impact into someone else even greater. Think we set a bad example to others because after we got out, everyone started spinning the boats.

body zorbing, Heatherton adventure parkThen we moved on to body zorbing. Last time we did this, we used the adult balls. But they were way too big for us, came down past our knees, which made getting up difficult and they were really heavy. So this time we requested children’s zorbs. Big mistake. They weren’t anywhere near as padded so we felt every impact of hitting the ground, like whiplash. We were up against Neen, Ryan and Zoe. Zoe and Neen are roller derby girls so are very fit and strong. We’re fit and strong for our size, but we’re also very small. Needless to say, us and Neen were the ones on the floor for most of the fight. We couldn’t get Ryan and Zoe down. Even when us and Neen teamed up, we couldn’t get them down. Ryan was the only one could fell Zoe. We trooped out of the arena battered, bruised and barely able to move. Lynx’s back bent the wrong way against the ropes, making her Scoliosis protest vehemently at this abuse. Then Cat’s bad knee went. Despite quickly slapping on the Deep Freeze ice patch and her brace, the damage was done. The pain was so bad she couldn’t walk but with her crutches at home, there was no choice.

pirate golf, Heatherton adventure parkNext it was pirate golf. We split into teams of 3 or 4 and hit the course. Two balls ended up in the water and Amy bravely waded in to fish hers out. Thinking of it, we all should’ve thrown our balls in just so we could escape the blazing sun. Then it was round 2 of go karting. This time, it was serious. It was us, Neen, Zoe, Ryan and Amy. We were determined not to lose this time. But against Neen and Ryan, we didn’t stand a chance. This time, Ryan spun his kart. And we nearly drove into him 😀 Neen won that bout. Turned out, the kart Cat spun was number 7. The kart Ryan spun was also number 7. This now removes driver error from the accidents. We had a faulty kart. After the race, Cat’s ribs were sore on the left, from where the seat was digging in – there was a swelling there. By night time, the swelling had grown to the size of half a golf ball. For the first time ever, her ribs couldn’t be seen beneath her skin.go-karting, Heatherton adventure park

On our way back to the camp site, we spied a woman sitting in the road. We stopped, wondering if she was drunk or had a stone in her shoe but then she heaved herself to the side of the road on her hands and arse so we could pass. Cat got out and went to see if she was ok – she’d gone over on her ankle down a pothole. An ankle she’d previously broken and had surgery on, and her other leg was badly grazed. Luckily Cat had spare ice patches so we put one on her ankle, helped her up and insisted on giving her a lift to the camp site. We dropped her off outside her tent. Did you see that, Karma? We helped someone. Now pay up.

Sunday morning, we woke feeling like we’d lost a fight with Megazord. We got home at 6pm and all 3 cats flocked to us. Mum hadn’t really seen them all weekend. They knew when their slaves were home and crowded round with untrue tales of starvation and being left alone. They seem to think we’re the only ones who live at Casa Raven. Today we’re still sore and stiff. And tonight we have an hour of zumba with extra half hour of toning. This is going to hurt…Heatherton adventure park

Go West. Actually, don’t.

The Diamond Jubilee completely ruined our ghost hunting plans as every location we wanted to go was hosting Jubilee events. In the end we managed to find two places that weren’t – Caldey Island and Tyneham, a ghost village in Dorset. We opted for Caldey. And lived to regret it. 5 HOURS it took us to get there because of the traffic. And when we eventually got to Tenby, we discovered you couldn’t park by the harbour and had to park in a multi storey car park – about 15/20 min walk from the harbour. Oh and it appears the people of Tenby are illiterate. That’s the only explanation we can think of for the extreme lack of sign posts. The harbour is not sign posted AT ALL. Neither is the pay desk for Caldey Island. Considering these are tourist places, this is beyond belief. We had to ask 2 people to direct us to the harbour. We reached the Caldey pay desk at 2:55. They closed at 3. Except they obviously can’t tell the time because they were already closed, leaving us and some other tourists pissed off. Actually, we were apoplectic. It had taken us five hours to get to a location only for them to close early. Oh and we had to endure constant staring, points, sniggers and abuse from the local Chavs that were crawling everywhere like cockroaches. Clearly they’re not used to seeing people who aren’t dressed in tracksuits and gold jewellery, and went into a complete meltdown as their tiny brains struggled to comprehend this.

Thoroughly pissed off, we had to make the long trek back to the car. Stopped off and bought some pirate flags to hang from the car windows in protest of all the Union Jack flags that were tainting the scenic views. Pirate flags flying proudly, we headed to Pembroke castle, where apparently people hear moans coming from beneath it. We think maybe this isn’t paranormal but the grunts of the local Chavs. As we were walking up to the castle we once again suffered abuse from another group of Chavs. One fat guy in a t-shirt and tracksuits bottoms shouted “what do you fucking look like? Fucking joke.” To which Cat replied “We look amazing. What do YOU look like? Fucking Chav.” Lynx responded “go fuck yourself with a sharp stick.” We apologise for our language but constant swearing is the Chav native tongue and the only words they’re able to communicate in. It’s completely incomprehensible why someone as ugly as him with such dire taste in clothes could DARE to criticise OUR clothing. Maybe he was so overcome with shame this was the only way he knew how to deal with it.

Pembroke castle is beautiful. And it has a dungeon! Which we only discovered when they were ringing the bell to throw everyone out. We refused to leave until we’d seen the dungeon and then got locked in the castle. Much to our dismay, they let us out. We did some EVP sessions in various places around the castle and at one point when we were asked for a name, in Welsh, the iOvilus said ‘Rodger.’ We’ve now discovered the castle was built by Roger of Montgomery in 1093. How cool is that?

As we left, a huge group of Chavs were sitting on the wall outside. They immediately started heckling us, shouting incoherent sentences that in the native Chav tongue was probably a chat up line. Y’know, like how cavemen would club women and drag them back to their cave. Maybe they were then confused as to why we weren’t swooning with barely controlled lust, like the Chav girls would’ve been. Then one of them asked if we’d take him to Hell. No thanks. We don’t allow scum in our Hell. Ryan was shocked and disgusted by the amount of abuse that was hurled at us. Unfortunately, we used to endure this every day for years which is why we became socialphobic. It doesn’t bother us any more. Clearly they thought we were celebrities. You know how inbred idiots get when faced with fabulous celebrities. They started grunting and throwing things like over excited cavemen. Unfortunately, Chavs are prolific breeders so are everywhere. The only way to stop this is with a neutering programme. Y’know, like with stray dogs. So while Pembroke castle was beautiful and we unfortunately didn’t have time to finish the castle, we will definitely NOT be returning to West Wales in the near future. If at all. In fact, we only suggest you visit there if you enjoy degenerate scum abusing you in every town. When we start the zombie apocalypse, that’s where we’ll send the zombies.

Watch the chavesty of an episode here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbjzzjP6YBY