Scott the Zombie

I’m baaaack! And better than ever! Hello tasty brains, have you missed me? You can blame my Necromancers for my absence. They’ve been hogging this thing like it’s THEIR blog. After my last blog post, I tried to keep hold of the laptop so they couldn’t usurp me again. But for tiny pixies, they’re fiendishly strong. Like, unnaturally strong. God knows what’s in that Red Bull they drink. Sadly, I not only lost that battle, I also lost my arm in the struggle.

Anyhoo, I’ve got some FANTASTIC news! My Necromancers swore on their lives that MY novel will be the next one to be released. Mine. Not the others, mine. Frankly, I don’t know why mine wasn’t chosen as their debut. I can only think that they’re so sick of Soul Asylum, they just want it out there and forgotten about, whereas by holding mine back, they get to spend more time on it. I am SO excited. In fact, I don’t know what I’m more excited about – that or the Zombie Apocalypse. I’m going to feast like a King!

This morning, I overheard my Necromancers talking to their mum about releasing another collection of short stories. Field of Screams was mentioned (it won Writing Magazine’s ghost story competition in 2010) and as much as I like Ceri & Connor, let’s face it, they lack my star potential. I mean, do they have a blog, FB page & Twitter account? No. Then my Necromancers suggested Parliament of Monsters – my short story – would complement it. I think they meant it the other way round. Their mum thought it was a brilliant idea, so it’s been decided that my short story will be released this year. They told me not to tell anyone, but you can keep a secret, can’t you? If I don’t tell someone, I’ll burst. And nobody likes coming home to find zombie entrails soaking into the living room carpet.

They did originally think of releasing it in October, ready for Halloween. But that’s when they’re releasing Soul Asylum and they don’t want my launch overshadowing the launch of Soul Asylum, because they know mine’s the one everyone’s looking forwards to. That’s not exactly what they said, but I got the gist of it. Plus they’re very hard to understand. Have you noticed how much they mumble? So then they thought they could release it on the day of the Zombie Apocalypse. Like I wasn’t excited enough already!

I guess this means I’ll have to keep them alive during ZomPoc so they can live long enough to release my novel. There goes my plan of swiping their brains and blaming in on the rampaging horde. So remember, read a lot, keep active and try to improve your mental prowess so by the time the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, you’ll be a whole lot tastier 😉

Scott x

Easter brainday

Aloha juicy brains! It’s been so long since I was on here last, I was worried my Necromancers had changed the password to keep me out. It’s because I write much better blogs than them and they’re worried their followers will prefer me. They’re right to be worried.

Anyhoo, Easter is coming up. For years I had to listen to my Necromancers whine about the fact there were no vegan Easter eggs. Well now there are and it’s my turn to whine. What the hell am I supposed to eat? Chocolate is bad for my digestive system. They now cater for vegans, is it so hard for them to cater for zombies too? We’re a minority group as well. They could load brains with Smarties, chocolate buttons, sweets, cram them into mugs etc. But somehow I can’t see my Easter treat being wrapped in coloured foil and put in a box with a cartoon character on it. It’s a shame. Pinky and The Brain would be a great gimmick. I feel so snubbed. Like I’m a second class citizen.  People really don’t respect the dead.

If you think about it, Easter is the time for celebrating zombieism. Jesus rose from the dead, just like I did. Are people eating chocolate brains in MY honour? No! Jesus has his own book, the Bible. I have my own book – Scott the Zombie. Just because it’s not published yet doesn’t mean I’m not important. Ok, I can’t turn bread into fishes or water into wine but I can play baseball with my own leg. Can Jesus do that? Big fat NO! And he was created by a beam of light impregnating Mary (which sounds an awful lot like the Care Bears were behind this, if you ask me) I was bitten by a zombie then struck by lightning. WE’RE THE SAME! Except he was 32, had long brown hair, a beard and a penchant for sandals whereas I’m 21, super hot and have a penchant for ripped jeans and an array of zombie slogan t-shirts. Why don’t I have public holidays and hymns sung about me? At least I have my own Facebook page and Twitter account. I appeal to the younger generation. Like Jesus, I also have enemies queuing up to kill me. And there are films about my kind, just like there’s religious films. And there’ll be a war started in my name. When Scott the Zombie Superstar musical is made, THEN you’ll believe me! Is Andrew Lloyd Webber on Twitter? We need to get the brain rolling on this.

My Necromancers have cake moulds in the shape of a bunny and a sheep. I plan to ram a brain into them so I can have a bunny shaped brain to munch on while I celebrate Zombie Sunday. Or Easter to the non trendy traditionalists. I’ll put a little brain into an egg mould, wrap it in foil, shove it in a I Love Scott the Zombie mug that my Necromancers will design and make (they will if they don’t want their brains eaten) and deliver it to the Prime Minister. Then he can start the proceedings for Zombie Sunday next year. It will happen my juicy little snack friends! Or heads will roll…then I can eat their brains!

Scott x

Advice Column

Greetings tasty brains! I’ve finally managed to wrestle this thing off my Necromancers. They put up a hell of a fight. I had to keep biting their fingers & threatening to infect them until they released it. They’ve been hogging it for their ebook. Anyone would think this was their blog. I wouldn’t mind if it was my book they were promoting, but it’s not. It’s some romance trilogy. Or horror romance. There are hearts involved. To be honest, I haven’t been paying attention. Anyhoo, I’ve got some really exciting news – I’ve been featured in Writing Magazine! March issue, page 73 in Margaret James’ Fiction Focus section. I give advice to a guy (we’ll call him Horror Writer from Sheffield) about all my online publicity ideas – my Facebook page, Twitter account & MY blog. Personally I don’t understand why my picture wasn’t printed, but then I don’t want to be mobbed in the street. It’s actually my Necromancers who are quoted, but that’s only because they emailed Margaret before I had a chance. I like Margaret. She’s such a lovely lady and my number one fan. I’ve had to promise not to eat her brain. It’s so unfair. Why do I only want to eat the people I like? I bet Freud would suspect a twisted reason behind this.

It’s given me a taste for this advice giving thing. I think I should have my own column. Nothing too big – just a national newspaper or glossy magazine will do. Say someone wrote in complaining that although they really fancy their boyfriend, he’s inconsiderate, lazy and just doesn’t appreciate her/him; I could suggest she/he remove their boyfriend’s brain and replace it with someone else’s! I could give tasty brain recipes, fashion advice – some colours just don’t work well with grey complexions – advice on how to set the perfect trap, which part of the brain works best for enhancing moods/creativity/language skills. Trust me, some of those Reans could do with enhancing their language skills – groaning is so easily lost in translation. Actually thinking about it, I might need my own magazine. But I’d happily start with an advice column. Let’s face it, if some of these celebrities can write one when their brains are nothing more than puff pastry then I stand a great chance.

Scott x

Zombieland

Afternoon nutritious brains! I come bearing good news – my Necromancers are redrafting my novel */* Wonder if I can get a new dance craze going. Move over Macarena, it’s time for The Zombie! Turns out, waiting until NaNoWriMo starts was too much for them so they decided to redraft my novel in the meantime. That’s the official party line. The truth is, a six month absence from me was too much for their little blackened hearts to bear. They can deny it all they want, but I can hear them giggling at my witty one-liners and falling in love with me all over again. Well who WOULDN’T? I’m dead sexy 😉

I’ve heard them promise that if that other novel (I won’t say it’s name) gets rejected, MY novel will be sent out. Personally, I think they should only concentrate on my novel, but they claim it has to be cut. As long as it’s Tyler’s bit that gets cut and not mine. Otherwise there will be a rebellion of apocalyptic proportions. I may be dead but damn it I can still start a rebellion. No-one wants a hungry, vengeance fuelled zombie on the rampage. I may look hot and trustworthy but I can tackle a screaming human and crack open skulls like nobody’s business.

Anyhoo, I am SO excited about my novel being redrafted. I bet the moment they send it out I’ll be receiving film offers, photographers and life art classes will be begging me to pose for them, my face will appear on t-shirts, merchandise, I’ll be the latest superhero (one that can’t die. Suck on THAT, bad guys), I’ll have my own comic, kids will want pics taken with me, girls will want me signing my name on their boobs, guys will dress like me… I’ll be the best thing to happen to zombies since George A Romero started making films. Hey, if anyone knows him, give him my number. He’d love to have me in his film. My asking rate is pretty low. £I million. Fine. Half a million. *groaning* fine! £1000 and I get to eat the cast’s brains afterwards.

Building Bite

Hey moreish brains, Scott here! It feels like FOREVER since I last did a blog. Those bloody Necromancers of mine have been hogging it, like it’s theirs or something. Anyhoo, they’ve got the builders in at the moment as their having their loft converted. Well the rest of it anyway. One half is their gym, but they’re having an ensuite bedroom. I’m so excited. They haven’t said anything yet, but I’m certain they’re building it for ME! My very own room in the attic. Hey, wait a minute, isn’t that where the crazy people are kept? *glaring at Necromancers* They’re convinced one of the builders looks like a serial killer. They’re so paranoid they thought when he took his t-shirt off, it was so he wouldn’t get blood on it. And just because the stairs and landing are covered in plastic sheeting, does not mean they’re about to star in an episode of Dexter. I reckon they’re the ones who need an attic room. Part of me thinks I should maybe not go to their assistance if the serial killer lookalike strikes. I’ve been after their brains for quite a while now and it would save the betrayal in their eyes if I’m not the one who bludgeons them. Now that their crippling darkshines appear to have passed (for now) their brains will taste so much nicer. No-one likes chewing on heartbroken brains. You can really taste the tears. They give the brain an unpleasant salty taste then I end up miserable.

But then, if my Necromancers reach a tricksy end, my book and cookbook won’t get published. God damn it! They always manage to wriggle out of me eating them. This isn’t fair! But if I DO save them they might get round to writing that graphic novel I’ve been badgering them about. I’ve left so many hints, even helped them out by doing my own comic strip. Ok my drawings aren’t great (Tyler says they look like a five year old drew them) but you try holding a pencil when you’re dead. Ooh, a builder just walked past. Oh look, he’s alone. I’ll just…ha! Bet you never thought your wrench was dual purpose! Into the skip he goes and mmmmmm spaghetti bologbrains for lunch. Nom nom nom

Brain Food

It’s official. We’ve started writing Scott the Zombie’s Cookbook (working title). He came up with the idea in his last blog and badgered us until we gave in. Zombies can be very persistent. And scary if you say no. So we spent the weekend going back through his novel to find all the brain meals we’d used and writing them down. We’ve written an introduction, a couple of pages about the different sections of brain, so you know to pick the right part for the meals then we’ve divided the book into sections – meals, party food, camping and desserts and written title pages for them all with a brief passage from Scott. We’ve just started the blurb and will also do an acknowledgements page. Being vegan has never seemed so restricting – we have no idea about cooking meat or what meals would be ideal to substitute meat for brains. Luckily we have amazing FB friends who not only know how to cook, but who are as enthusiastic about this project as we are.

We were discussing it with Cat’s boyfriend, Ryan and one of his colleagues, telling them we’d spent the afternoon planning a zombie cookbook. Ryan’s colleague wished he’d spent the afternoon doing that and came up with a great suggestion – head fondue. Hollow out a human head, fill it with chocolate and dip pieces of brain and cheese into it. Seems everyone, even IT geeks enjoy a good zombie inspired recipe. We’ve pulled our old cookbooks out of the cupboard (when we say old, we mean they were published in the 70s when not everyone owned a freezer) and made a list of the ones we want. We also went out to the pub with  Ryan & grabbed a menu. Got a couple of good ideas off it then Ryan’s step-dad asked what we were doing. Our reply? “We’re writing a zombie cookbook, so need ideas for meals.” Then we told him some of our ideas. Yeah. We need to brush up on our social skills. Ryan’s sister’s boyfriend was also there. Luckily they’ve met us plenty of times before so know this is a fairly normal response from us. Then we got into a discussion about brains and the best way to cook them. Isn’t that what everyone discusses on a Saturday evening in their local?

Little Mr. Muffin

Hey yummy brains, it’s Scott. I’ve managed to swipe the laptop while one of my Necromancers is working on a novel that’s NOT mine & the other one is running their duck a bath. They’ve never run me a bath. They’ve left all the tabs open on their laptop so just before I logged on to write this, I had a peek at what they’re doing. I found this http://www.katesclothing.co.uk/Zombie-Killing-PJs-p/ukapjspa.htm zombie killing pyjamas. I feel so betrayed. I know they’re torn about which side to take when the Zombie Apocalypse hits, but I would’ve thought their love for me would secure their loyalty. The worst thing is, I want a pair. But I think I’ve figured out a way to rescue this situation. If they decide to order them (I may cancel their credit card) I’ll just buy some t-shirt paint and change the l’s to s’s. Zombie kissing pyjamas are much better 😀

My Necromancers were baking muffins yesterday with their niece. It was their first ever attempt and the kitchen looked like a bag of flour had been slaughtered. Not sure what was more covered – the floor, the worktop or them. The muffins smelled so good I decided to try making one. So I stuffed a snack sized brain with blueberries and slotted it into the oven when their backs were turned. Unfortunately, my Necromancers had to go out, so left their older sister, Sarah, in charge of cooking the muffins. Let’s just say she wasn’t overly impressed with my baking attempts when she pulled everything out of the oven 😀 I snatched my bruffin (brain muffin) and scampered to my room to eat it. It was delicious! I really should write my own cookbook. There are cookbooks for vegans (which my Necromancers are), so why can’t there be cookbooks for zombies? I sense a gap in the market.

Scott x

Zombie match.com

Hey exquisite brains, it’s Scott here. I’m feeling lonely ‘cos my Necromancers have abandoned me to work on their ghost novel, Raising the Dead. They know how I feel about ghosts – they’re wanabes. I wanted to live so much, I forced my dead body to continue. But they have submitted my short story & novel, so I can’t very well bash their skulls in and have a tasty two course meal. It would look…unreasonable.

I have a new mission – to start up a dating site for zombies. My Necromancers friend, Mitch White, posted a video to them on Facebook, about two zombies falling in love over the innards of her dead husband. Then he gives her a beating heart in a heart shaped box and teachers her to wield a spade. My problem is that I’m the only functioning zombie & the reans (reanimated dead) are just, well…dead. They groan, bits fall off and they stink. Plus you can’t get a decent conversation out of them. I think if people gave zombies a chance, they’d realise what great partners they make. Since I died, I no longer rate people on their looks, just the beauty of their brain. I also have no preference – male or female brains all taste delicious to me. I will never die, so will never leave you heartbroken. I will also never eat all your food or cheat on you – let’s face it, I’m not exactly beating off admirers with my brain saw.

Though there is a downside to dating zombies – bits fall off, or just don’t work. Some of them smell. I don’t, but that’s cos I follow a rigorous routine of cleansing, toning, moisturising & a stringent dental routine. I could never take you to a restaurant, because my food isn’t on the menu. And I can’t die. So there goes your plan of bumping me off for the life insurance.

So if you weigh up the pros and cons, you’ll see dating zombies is the new dating footballers 🙂 I could be the new romantic hero of teenage fiction. If girls worry about introducing a vampire to the family, wait ’til they bring me home 😀

Scott x

Rising from the Dead

Hey tasty brains, it’s Scott. I just have to get something off my chest. Seeing as it’s Easter, everyone’s celebrating the annual return of the Easter bunny. That IS what Easter’s about, right? But some people are also celebrating the resurrection of Jesus. This is what’s getting my stitches in a knot. For two thousand years, people have worshipped this guy who died then rose from the dead and carried on a normal life. Who does that sound like? ME! I died, was struck by lightning & rose from the dead to carry on a normal life working in a supermarket, but is anyone worshipping me? NO! HE inspires a whole religion. What do I inspire? A lynch mob!

If you think about it, Jesus is the original zombie. Ok, there’s no mention of him eating brains in the bible, but we all know only a few books were selected to go in that, like in all other anthologies. Maybe the zombie chapter was poorly written or didn’t meet the required word count so was dropped in favour of Luke, or Mark, or maybe even Revelations. The point is, he rose from the dead. So either he has that rare condition where sufferers can appear dead then recover, or he’s a zombie. Vampire’s another possibility, but vampires get enough good press without claiming Jesus as one of them.

So now I’ve exposed Jesus as a zombie, it still begs the question why does HE get people worshipping him, while I get people trying to cut my head off? Ok, I can’t heal the sick, but I can raise the dead. And yes, he may be the son of God, but my dad was in the Thriller video… Ok, that’s a lie, but it’s a better story than his. Plus my hairstyle’s better. And I’m a nice guy. Yes, I kill people, but I do apologise. Sometimes. It’s not like I enjoy being a serial killer, but a guy’s gotta eat. If I could buy my brains from a supermarket, I would. So why does he get chocolate eggs to mark the anniversary of his death, but I don’t? Mind you, I died on Halloween, so I get the coolest day of the year to celebrate my anniversary.

This wrong needs to be righted. From this day forth, I’m starting my own religion. Zombieism. No. Zombieanity. Zombie. Zombieology. I’ll go with Zombie for now, but I reserve the right to change my mind. My novel will be the sacred book and Halloween can be the special day. I’m not going to be all dictatorial and tell you what to do, except you have to keep your brains healthy and active to one day sacrifice them to your idol of worship – me. I’m going to impose a rule of religious garmets – pro-zombie t-shirts. Religious jewellery will consist of charm bracelets with zomibe-related charms, i.e. brain, gravestone, eyeball, brainsaw, hammer & chisel. Zombie songs must be sung once a week in a zombie place of worship – a graveyard. Every Halloween there must be a zombie walk like a pilgrimage. They have these in Kansas & Missouri. Oh and when you die, you will become a zombie.

Happy Easter and beware the Easter bunny. I might’ve turned him by now 😉

Scott x

Zombie Apocalypse

Howdy moreish brains! Your favourite zombie, Scott here. Wow, finally it’s sunny. I love the sun, even if Vincent tells me a zombie dead or a zombie sunbathing smell the same. Personally I think he’s jealous because I’m a rare, fully functioning zombie, he’s just a vampire. He’s like a Ford Fiesta – so common no-one notices them any more so they bring out a new model but underneath it’s still a Fiesta. I’m kinda like a panda – beautiful, endangered and unable to breed to save my species. I hope I’m not captured and put in a zoo so people can perv on me during the mating season. I may be able to walk, talk and still look in ripped jeans and one of my many zombie slogan t-shirts but I can’t undo knots or…breed to save my species.

Anyhoo, this talk of the Zombie Apocalypse has me worried. Dec 22nd 2012 is the proposed date. By then I’ll be a famous film star. Surely humans aren’t going to double tap a celebrity? Oh wait, if Justin Bieber crosses my path…In a way I’m looking forwards to the Zombie Apocalypse because for once I’ll be able to hunt out in the open instead of hiding in bushes like a pervert setting traps. But my food supply will be seriously diminished. The reans (reanimated dead) are just going to devour anyone they encounter. You know I only eat creative brains. I don’t want to be stuck with reality TV stars and footballers! I have more creativity in my left eye. It moves independently and can even perform a Dirty Dancing routine. Thing is, in their panic, humans might not realise it’s me and might shoot or bludgeon me thinking I’m just a rampaging rean. That would be really unfair. I don’t deserve to die like that. I deserve to be worshipped, to have a state funeral with lots of televised sobbing and a twenty one gun salute.

Plus people know about the Zombie Apocalypse so are preparing for it, probably drawing up action plans, storing food and gathering weapons. Instead of fire drills, schools will be doing Zombie Apocalypse drills. The Government will be printing out information leaflets to deliver door to door like they did with the swine flu. Though unlike that over hyped disappointment, the Zombie Apocalypse will actually be worth terrifying the country over. Even my Necromancers are preparing for it, eyeing their swords in a way that makes my stomach go quivery and stashing the cupboard full of Red Bull. Oh hang on, no that’s just their week’s supply. If I cut them open, their blood would be brownish red and fizzy. So with all these preparations under way, it’s actually going to be hard to get a decent meal and frighten survivors. I’m just going to have to blend in with them, gain their trust then WHAM! Smack ’em over the head with Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse and eat their brain over the camp fire they’ve prepared. I like eating outdoors, it adds a woody tangy flavour to the brain.

Ooh, gotta go, a delivery guy’s just arrived with my latest order – new zombie slogan t-shirts. I figured I’ll continue to promote zombies as a force of good so people start trusting us then when Dec 22nd 2012 arrives they’ll let me into their safe house, fearing for my safety. Oh my god, it’s going to be like a Christmas feast. I’d better buy some bigger jeans 😉

Scott x