Let the Games Begin!

the Gimpic Games at Merthyr Mawr sand dunes

Going for Gimpic Gold

The Gimpic Games have officially started. Even though we haven’t yet filmed our opening ceremony, mostly because we don’t have Danny Boyle’s budget. On Monday, us – Lynx from The Kingdom of the Blood Skulls and Cat from the Pirate Islands – and fellow Gimpians, Ryan from Jerkuanius and Rich from the United Pimping Regency banded together to form an elite team of athletes. Well, kind of. Ryan and Rich both nearly died on the sand dunes. Ryan from lack of fitness, Rich from forgetting his asthma pump & continuously face planting in the sand. We knew it was a going to be a good time when Cat forgot to bring Ryan’s trainers, forcing him to compete in his socks. Rich kindly gave up one of his shoes and the pair of them hopped all the way to the dunes like a couple of gimps.

The course was extended and much faster. Rich must’ve been practising on the sly because there’s no way someone who’s never sand dune sledged could be that fast. He thrashed everyone’s times by one or two seconds on each run. There was cheating galore as we got Rich to push us to give us faster times and when Cat pushed Ryan, he promptly tumbled out. Allegations of drugs cheating were banded around when Ryan beat Cat in the head to head race, despite losing every single time trial. Suspicious, doncha think?

sand dune sledging at Merthyr Mawr

the Hero takes a fall

There were injuries aplenty when Rich kept falling off the sledge and headbutted the flagpole in his desperate attempt to escape the 2 second time penalty for missing the flag. And there was a collision of epic proportions during Ryan and Rich’s head to head race as Rich tumbled out, Ryan thought he was home free until his sledge stopped, only for him to see Rich hurtling on his sledge towards him. Ryan frantically paddled forwards but it was too late. They collided and crashed over the finish line in a tangle of limbs and sledges. Cat discovered she’d dislocated a finger when we returned home. Ryan was nearly sick when she manipulated it back in. Ryan hurt his back copying Rich’s winning headfirst style then when imitating Baywatch with the red sledge, tripped, face planted and mysteriously hurt his man parts. Cat took a photo of his pain filled face as he clutched his crown jewels and admitted he was no Baywatch Babe.

sumo wrestling at Merthyr Mawr sand dunes

Cat and Ryan face off

Next up was sumo wrestling. Everything becomes instantly funnier when you’re wearing an inflatable sumo suit. We drew a ring on a flat surface at the very top of the sand dunes, donned our suits and wrestled our way to Gimpic glory. Cat proved to be a tiny dynamo as she beat Ryan in round one. Rich won round 2 by scooping Lynx up upside down, her little legs kicking like a beetle as he dumped her face down in the sand. The final was between Rich and Cat. Rich once again proved to be Gimpic champion and was presented with his medal and bouquet of wild flowers that he’d snapped off a nearby bush. We have a feeling those sumo suits WILL be making a return to the Gimpics…and a new event has been added – rubber ducky racing in the River Taff. There will be blood.

the Gimpic Games

gimping for gold

Enter Sandman

The Gimpic Games

making winners out of losers

There is a fever sweeping the country. Olymp-no, wrong one. GIMPIC fever. It’s the most talked about thing since Red Bull announced they would be lifetime sponsors of C L Raven. Hang on, might have dreamed that one. Anyhoo, you can’t escape Gimpic Fever. It’s like a big gimpy tidal wave that’s blitzing your home town and drowning you in its infectious fun. Our evenings have been filled with archery and Nerf gun practise and a quick go of space hoppering before Ryan fell off and declared our pixie stature was an unfair advantage. Also it appears his big man hands are hampering his efforts with the child’s archery set. We offered to cut off his hands. He declined. Obviously not that dedicated to winning then.

Yesterday we decided to practise the sand dune sledge slalom. Merthry Mawr are the highest sand dunes in Wales. Yes, these are no ordinary dunes. These are epic. It started off well when a topless hotty was running up and down them continuously, giving us something lovely to focus on while we struggled our way to the top. After the second climb, we were knackered. After Ryan’s first climb, he collapsed at the top and we had to poke him to make sure he was still breathing as he was a very unhealthy shade of dead. 50 shades of dead perhaps. Had the worst happened, we might have had to sit on him and slalom him down for rescue. Luckily a twitching limb confirmed life.

Merthyr Mawr sand dunes

our sand dune sledge slalom

sledging down Merthyr Mawr

going for gold

The original course we plotted turned out to be a big fat failure. The sledge would not move under it’s own power. Disheartened that the event we were so excited about might not happen, we tried thinking of a solution. Then Ryan spotted a steeper part to the dune so we tried it. And sped down like tobogganing pros! The more we did it, the faster we got. And as predicted, a slight turn of the sledges had us crashing out and rolling like those riders in motorcross racing. Think of gymnasts doing tumbling routines in the floor exercises and that was us, except it was on sand, downhill and we weren’t wearing glittery leotards. (Though they might have been better than the skull trousers Lynx wore and the tight PVC trousers Cat wore). No bones were broken in the making of this historic fun. Then we learned you went faster and stayed in if once you hit your speed, you lay back. We were actually a little disappointed at the lack of tumbling this method created. We did time trials as instead of a slalom, this was to be our sprint course. After several attempts, Ryan’s fastest time was 12 seconds, Lynx’s was 11 seconds 52 and Cat was the undisputed champion with 10 seconds 31.

sand dune sledging

winning in style

If sand dune sledging doesn’t become an Olympic sport, something is seriously wrong. The good news is the chances of cutting yourself on the dunes is minimal. However the chances of broken bones, dislocations and and death are highly probable. Let the games begin!