Mining for Trouble

How do you defend against an attack by a sand worm? Throw the cleric at it. Pip and Steve return with a vengeance.

Players :
Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, evil lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Cassiel, chaotic evil ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully evil cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

The story so far: Escape From Fuck Mountain   Crypt Keepers   Campaign of Error

The last saga ended with Cassiel and Frank trapped behind  a wall, Indiana asleep in a cathedral and Lord Wolfy, Vena and Crimthan stuck outside the City of Lights. Our latest segment began outside the city walls. Lord Wolfy and Crimthan, although tempted to pile up the bodies of everyone living in the slums outside the city, agreed that it was too time-consuming. Crimthan suggested they burn the slums to the ground, luring out the guards. Vena, with her fire bubbles, would be perfect for the job. But before they could put their plan in action, a guard left the city and asked if they were mercenaries. An unconvincing ‘we might be’ persuaded him and he asked them to follow him into the city. They were immediately suspicious, but accompanied him anyway. As Vena pointed out, one of our party was inside the city. At this point, Indiana had woken in the cathedral and on finding nothing to steal, hid in a cupboard when she heard voices.

Meanwhile, Cassiel and Frank woke to find themselves in the Impossitanium Mine, chained to slaves, with no memory other than ‘purple’. Their weapons, provisions and Cassiel’s hawk were missing. Fortunately we’d already relieved them of their gold on a previous night so they didn’t have to worry about that. Cassiel challenged the guard, demanding to know what had happened to their stuff and what they were mining for. After several minutes of arguing, Frank managed to persuade Cassiel to start mining, as the guards didn’t seem like particularly pleasant people.

Vena, Lord Wolfy and Crimthan followed the guard into a room of important-looking men. Then Lord Wolfy suggested they go for a wander. Indiana heard them and emerged from her hiding place, to find herself on a balcony above them. Indiana: “I’m going to jump down.” DM: “you’re going to jump off a cathedral balcony?” Crimthan: “onto a concrete floor?” Indiana: *thinks* “maybe I’ll use the stairs.” DM: “no, no, you said you were going to jump. Roll to see if you manage to grab a banner on your way down.” We love the way DM forces us to carry out our crazy ideas, even though they are almost always detrimental to our health. Anyone would think we might have broken his sanity in some way… Indiana jumped, managed to grab a banner and tumbled ungracefully to the floor. We returned to the room with the important-looking men. The guard was confused as to why there was an extra person. Crimthan persuaded him she had always been there, she had just been behind his horse. Indiana: “I’m very small.” The mission, should we choose to accept it, was to quell a rebellion in the Impossitaniam Mine by any means necessary. In return, we could have anything at all. Indiana elected for new leather armour, as her dress is now rather tattered, (yes, Cat actually wore an elaborate dress to D & D this time) Lord Wolfy requested an animal familiar, Vena asked for medical supplies and Crimthan couldn’t decide, so DM suggested a better bastard sword.

In the mines, a small band of slaves had escaped and were freeing the other slaves. Cassiel shouted at the slaves to free her, so they left her until last. She attempted to swing her pickaxe at her shackles. It lodged in the ground. She rolled a strength check. 6. That pick was not coming out. Frank swung his pick at the shackles. It also stuck in the ground. His strength roll (3) also meant his pick was not moving. It wasn’t looking hopeful. Fortunately, the slaves released them. Instead of running for freedom, Cassiel decided they should look for the armoury to get their stuff back. They reached a crossroads with a riddle:

‘From here to there, left outside the mine, right way or wrong, find your way out.’

They went straight ahead and found themselves at similar crossroads. They went straight. And returned to the crossroads. Cassiel told Frank to chip off the wall so they could make a mark. Frank rolled a 20. Why are we only good at insignificant things? Frank marked the wall and they went backwards. Only to end up at the crossroads. Lynx to Steve: “Bet you wish you were glowing now.” Then a strange noise echoed down the mine – ‘mwarlarragh’. A sand worm. DM’s impersonation of the sandworm was the highlight of the evening.

The rest of us reached the mine to find dead guards and escaping slaves. We all rolled intimidation rolls to scare the miners back to work. Only Indiana succeeded. Embracing her evil side, Vena created a fire bubble and threw it down the mine, barbecuing some rebellious slaves while the others looked on in terror. Shouting ‘let that be a lesson to you’, the rest of us attacked. Well, we say attacked. For some reason, our prowess at succeeding at simple things doesn’t crossover into battle. Crimthan swung his sword and missed. Indiana only gave one slave a paper cut, Lord Wolfy’s wolf pounce wasn’t quite as ferocious as he’d hoped and Vena’s eldritch blast hit the ceiling. Luckily we rolled out of the way.

The sand worm decided he fancied a ranger and cleric snack. Weaponless, Cassiel panicked and asked if she could throw Frank at it (Pip and Steve are married in real life). Her strength roll not only allowed her to pick Frank up, but to work him like an Olympic hammer. She flung him into the sand worm, dazing them both. They fled and found themselves in a cavern, which contained three things: a red button in the middle of the floor, a pedestal and a pressure plate. The pedestal moved from left to right, towards the pressure plate. It would only take thirty seconds to reach the plate. Pressing the red button reset it. Cassiel and Frank took turns pressing the button while arguing about what they should do. Frank tried pressing a grove in the wall behind the pedestal. He failed and was dragged along the floor. Cassiel reset the pedestal and tried to push the wall. She also failed and was dragged. Twice.

Crimthan attacked another slave, missed and received a pickaxe to the shoulder for his troubles. He then couldn’t use his two-handed bastard sword, so took the whip Indiana had stolen from a dead guard and lashed a slave in the face. Indiana killed the slave while Vena attempted another eldritch blast. This one bounced off the floor. Lord Wolfy performed another wolf pounce, only to jump over the slaves. He jumped back, this time managing to scrape some of them with his claws. Indiana stabbed one slave in the thigh and Lord Wolfy chopped his legs off with his scythe. The slaves, completely confused and scared of these inept warriors, decided the mine was a safer place to be. We followed them and chained them up. That’ll teach ’em.

Cassiel and Frank were still battling the pedestal in the cavern. Cassiel tried to force Frank onto the pressure plate. He refused and while they were bickering, they forgot to press the red button. The pedestal hit the pressure plate and opened a door. Shamefaced, they left the cavern, joining up with the rest of us. Cassiel noticed Lord Wolfy was a strange grey colour. Despite our attempts to persuade her he was ill from eating bad meat, her nature knowledge roll exposed him as a zombie. We assured her only Vena’s crispy arm was in danger of him and despite us all drinking water infected from the zombie virus, we were all healthy. DM to Cassiel and Frank: “You notice one of your party is wearing what was an opulent dress but is now tattered.” Cassiel to Indiana: “What happened to you?” Indiana: “I jumped into acid mist and spent some time naked.” We went outside to ask one of the barely-living guards where the armoury was. He died before he could tell us. Vena attempted CPR, but her ruined arm hindered her, so Indiana suggested Lord Wolfy bite him to turn him into a zombie so he could tell us. Lord Wolfy bit him to bring him back to life. It didn’t work. DM: “You realise two of your party are still dressed as slaves, which may look suspicious to the men who hired you.” Indiana: “Should we chain them back up?” We stripped two guards of their uniforms to disguise Cassiel and Frank then decided to return to the City of Lights to claim our reward. Unfortunately, Crimthan is the only one with a horse and the knowledge of riding. So Cassiel and Lord Wolfy attempted to use their nature knowledge to control the two cart horses. Cassiel’s horse obeyed and went straight ahead. Lord Wolfy’s turned right. He eventually got it under control and we returned to the city, victorious.

*N.B* We are in the process of setting up a new blog purely for our D & D campaign. By ‘in the process of’, we mean we’ve talked about it, got a shortlist of blog themes but cannot think of a title for it so haven’t progressed further than that. We’d be very grateful for any title suggestions!