D and D Disaster Class

You know your D & D campaign is in trouble when one member says “Will throwing my penis at him help?” Our quest continues. And we’re worse than ever.

The adventure so far: Escape from Fuck Mountain Crypt Keepers Campaign of Error Mining for Trouble

Players :
Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, evil lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Cassiel, chaotic evil ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully evil cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

After quelling the mine rebellion, we returned to the City of Light to claim our rewards. Only to be met with riddles. image

Lynx had a word ladder. She had to get from SLAVE to SWORD in 5 steps. She did slave, shave, share, shore, swore, sword. Turned out, that was not suggested by the internet. Their answer was slave, stave, stare, store, swore, sword.

Cat’s was: my mother bought my armour for me one summer day. Spent every penny she had. Spent 20 and twice again and bankrupted my dad. How much did I spend? She answered: nothing. She was right. image

Amy’s was really hard: What had no beginning nor any end. What has no shadow to hide. What means eternity until death and can be narrow or wide? She got the answer right: engagement ring.

Jordan had to join 5 points in three different lines without them crossing. So Lynx got a better bastard sword, Cat got new armour, Amy got medical supplies and Jordan didn’t get his unicorn.

The ruler of the City of Light told us they wanted us to sort out a problem – destroy the Lord White Luminous Shine in the sky. But he’s protected by four generals in the north, south, east and west. We would be rewarded generously for this. Maybe we’ll finally get a castle, if not in real life, at least in D&D life. The lord is a good guy and wants to put a stop to the Impossitanium Mine. Turned out, the peasants in the slums were terrified, not of us, but of being forced down into the mines. Indiana: “Us pinning down that child then attacking him probably didn’t help then.”

We decided to go after the general in the north, who was in a fortress on Fuck Mountain, as he was easiest and his guards were stupid. We were confident we could take them. The ruler created a portal and we discussed throwing Frank the cleric through it. As three members of our party have thrown the cleric, Vena and Indiana were feeling left out. We decided to jump through instead. Most of us succeeded and landed just outside the fortress. Vena and Frank landed in a lake quite far away. They went back through the weakening portal and found themselves in a cellar beneath a building inside the fortress.

The rest of us walked to the fortress gate. We were given four options: dress as guards, fake a delivery, burn down the gate or climb the walls. We decided to try all of them. Cassiel and Indiana would climb the walls, Vena would burn the gate, Frank would help as he’s good at accidentally setting things on fire. Like helpless orphans. And Crimthan and Lord Wolfy would dress as guards and fake a delivery. Cassiel and Indiana ventured around the back wall. There was a moat about 8-10 foot wide surrounding it. Indiana decided to jump it. She landed in the moat. Crimthan wanted to kill the guards, but they were in the tower and out of reach. So Lord Wolfy and Crimthan decided galloping Hades was the best way to get the guards’ attention. Cassiel insisted that war horses don’t gallop. DM rolled for it. Hades galloped towards the gate and got the guards’ attention. Lord Wolfy: “We’re delivering this war horse to the general.” Guard: “What’s the general’s name?” Lord Wolfy: “William. Smith.” Crimthan: “Pinkinton.” Guard: “Pinkinton?” Lord Wolfy: “That’s what his friends call him.” Crimthan: “it’s his nickname. We go way back.” Lord Wolfy: “You clearly don’t know him well.” One guard went back inside to check.

Around the back of the castle, Indiana threw her grappling hook up the wall without attaching the rope. Luckily Cassiel had another grappling hook but no rope. Indiana: “We’ll use my dress.” So they ripped up the dress and tied it to the grappling hook. Indiana: “And we’ll attach my whip to it.” DM: “In case you’re feeling kinky on the way up?” Indiana to Cassiel: “Check us out, crafting things.” They rolled a strength check to test the rope. 3. They gently tugged it. It held. They threw it up and to everyone’s surprise, it held. So they climbed, attracting the guard’s attention, who fired a crossbow bolt at them. Indiana: “Flash him!” Cassiel flashed the guard. And promptly fell off the rope. But the guard dropped his crossbow, so they considered that a success. The guard found another crossbow and shot at them again. Indiana: “Hey! That’s not nice! You got to see boobs.” Guard: “I’m gay.” Cassiel: “Then why did you drop the crossbow? You’re not as gay as you think you are.” Lord Wolfy: “Are you going to turn him?” DM: “Are you going to attempt to seduce the guard?” Cassiel decided against it.

Frank and Vena meanwhile, were still in the cellar. Vena’s bat, Zero, through the medium of squeaks, suggested it wasn’t safe to venture out. The commotion outside caught their attention. Vena: “Our party’s arrived.” After the guard round the front failed to return, Lord Wolfy and Crimthan headed around the back of the castle. The makeshift grappling hook broke and Indiana plummeted to the ground. Another guard appeared. Cassiel took aim. And shot herself in the foot. Indiana: “Flash him!” Cassiel and Lord Wolfy both flashed him, with Lord Wolfy tearing off his shorts. Cassiel: “You’re a zombie. Shouldn’t that have fallen off?” She managed to wound the guard while he was distracted. Lord Wolfy: “Will it help if I throw my penis at him?” You know you’re in trouble if you have to resort to throwing genitals at guards. And these were the easy ones!

Crimthan tied his rope to Cassiel’s arrow (with a roll of 19) and she fired it through a window. It fell straight back out. So Crimthan made a lasso with his rope and we all took turns at throwing it up the wall. After several failed attempts, we succeeded. Indiana scaled the wall and attempted a sneak attack on another guard. And failed.

Zero explored the cellar and alerted Vena and Frank to a button. Haunted by flashbacks of being in the cavern, Frank told Vena to press it. A portion of the wall slid aside, revealing the rest of us. There was a bit of a debate how to proceed and in the confusion, the cleric got thrown into the moat. DM: “He could’ve walked across by himself.” Bit late. Crimthan tried to save the drowning cleric, whose scale mail had dragged him under, only for his scale mail to get caught on Frank’s and they both sank to the bottom of the moat. Vena, Cassiel and Lord Wolfy failed several times to rescue them before Lord Wolfy heroically stepped up with his scythe to fish them out. His scythe pierced Frank’s armpit and under mysterious circumstances, Frank’s arm was severed. Lord Wolfy claimed the severed arm as a prize.

Meanwhile, Indiana attacked the guard, who fell off the wall, landing beside the others. Indiana: “Take his uniform!” A bleeding, wet Frank was promptly dressed in the guard’s uniform and pushed through the door to convince the rest of the guards that he was one of them. It didn’t work, so Crimthan arrived to charm them. This caused more confusion. Crimthan tried to convince them he was Frank’s trainer then attacked them (badly) while Frank rolled away to safety. Indiana realised being on top of the wall wasn’t helpful so swung down, to be confronted by the locked door into the building. A lack of lock picking kit is a big mistake for a Rogue. So she kicked the door in. DM: “You all hear a loud bang.” Lord Wolfy: “That would be our Rogue.” Indiana made it in and failed with her attack. Crimthan and Frank succeeded in wounding a guard, but fortunately, Vena saved everyone by torching the guards with her fire bubbles.

We decided to hunt down the general. Lord Wolfy and Cassiel sneaked off to gather supplies, which made us suspicious. Luckily, a large arrow pointed us in the direction of the general. Anyone would think DM didn’t trust us to succeed. We came across an ornate door. Vena threw a fireball at it. The fire slowed down then crawl over the door. She and Crimthan used their knowledge arcana to determine it was a magical door. Crimthan tried kicking it and melted his armour to his leg. DM: “It occurs to you there is a handle.” Crimthan turned the handle. The door opened. We can’t help thinking we might be a lot better at this if we stopped and thought about stuff instead of going in, all guns blazing only to fail miserably. Inside the room was a man glowing as he fed power to the mysterious Lord White Luminous Shine. Indiana: “Can I throw the cleric at him?” Throwing the cleric at problems has become our default option. But for the first time, Frank decided to put up a fight and successfully wrestled his way free from Indiana’s grip. Indiana: “You let everyone else throw you.” So she tried a sneak attack on the general. And tripped. She broke her nose.

We may have failed in every attempt at D & Ding, but you know it’s a good session when you laugh so hard your eyes hurt. Lord Wolfy to DM (who sat with his head in his hands): “was this how you imagined the story to go?” Flashing guards and dismembering your friends probably isn’t how most campaigns play out. We’re looking forwards to next week. The general should be very afraid. To quote a phase often uttered during play: “we’ve got this.”

Mining for Trouble

How do you defend against an attack by a sand worm? Throw the cleric at it. Pip and Steve return with a vengeance.

Players :
Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, evil lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Cassiel, chaotic evil ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully evil cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

The story so far: Escape From Fuck Mountain   Crypt Keepers   Campaign of Error

The last saga ended with Cassiel and Frank trapped behind  a wall, Indiana asleep in a cathedral and Lord Wolfy, Vena and Crimthan stuck outside the City of Lights. Our latest segment began outside the city walls. Lord Wolfy and Crimthan, although tempted to pile up the bodies of everyone living in the slums outside the city, agreed that it was too time-consuming. Crimthan suggested they burn the slums to the ground, luring out the guards. Vena, with her fire bubbles, would be perfect for the job. But before they could put their plan in action, a guard left the city and asked if they were mercenaries. An unconvincing ‘we might be’ persuaded him and he asked them to follow him into the city. They were immediately suspicious, but accompanied him anyway. As Vena pointed out, one of our party was inside the city. At this point, Indiana had woken in the cathedral and on finding nothing to steal, hid in a cupboard when she heard voices.

Meanwhile, Cassiel and Frank woke to find themselves in the Impossitanium Mine, chained to slaves, with no memory other than ‘purple’. Their weapons, provisions and Cassiel’s hawk were missing. Fortunately we’d already relieved them of their gold on a previous night so they didn’t have to worry about that. Cassiel challenged the guard, demanding to know what had happened to their stuff and what they were mining for. After several minutes of arguing, Frank managed to persuade Cassiel to start mining, as the guards didn’t seem like particularly pleasant people.

Vena, Lord Wolfy and Crimthan followed the guard into a room of important-looking men. Then Lord Wolfy suggested they go for a wander. Indiana heard them and emerged from her hiding place, to find herself on a balcony above them. Indiana: “I’m going to jump down.” DM: “you’re going to jump off a cathedral balcony?” Crimthan: “onto a concrete floor?” Indiana: *thinks* “maybe I’ll use the stairs.” DM: “no, no, you said you were going to jump. Roll to see if you manage to grab a banner on your way down.” We love the way DM forces us to carry out our crazy ideas, even though they are almost always detrimental to our health. Anyone would think we might have broken his sanity in some way… Indiana jumped, managed to grab a banner and tumbled ungracefully to the floor. We returned to the room with the important-looking men. The guard was confused as to why there was an extra person. Crimthan persuaded him she had always been there, she had just been behind his horse. Indiana: “I’m very small.” The mission, should we choose to accept it, was to quell a rebellion in the Impossitaniam Mine by any means necessary. In return, we could have anything at all. Indiana elected for new leather armour, as her dress is now rather tattered, (yes, Cat actually wore an elaborate dress to D & D this time) Lord Wolfy requested an animal familiar, Vena asked for medical supplies and Crimthan couldn’t decide, so DM suggested a better bastard sword.

In the mines, a small band of slaves had escaped and were freeing the other slaves. Cassiel shouted at the slaves to free her, so they left her until last. She attempted to swing her pickaxe at her shackles. It lodged in the ground. She rolled a strength check. 6. That pick was not coming out. Frank swung his pick at the shackles. It also stuck in the ground. His strength roll (3) also meant his pick was not moving. It wasn’t looking hopeful. Fortunately, the slaves released them. Instead of running for freedom, Cassiel decided they should look for the armoury to get their stuff back. They reached a crossroads with a riddle:

‘From here to there, left outside the mine, right way or wrong, find your way out.’

They went straight ahead and found themselves at similar crossroads. They went straight. And returned to the crossroads. Cassiel told Frank to chip off the wall so they could make a mark. Frank rolled a 20. Why are we only good at insignificant things? Frank marked the wall and they went backwards. Only to end up at the crossroads. Lynx to Steve: “Bet you wish you were glowing now.” Then a strange noise echoed down the mine – ‘mwarlarragh’. A sand worm. DM’s impersonation of the sandworm was the highlight of the evening.

The rest of us reached the mine to find dead guards and escaping slaves. We all rolled intimidation rolls to scare the miners back to work. Only Indiana succeeded. Embracing her evil side, Vena created a fire bubble and threw it down the mine, barbecuing some rebellious slaves while the others looked on in terror. Shouting ‘let that be a lesson to you’, the rest of us attacked. Well, we say attacked. For some reason, our prowess at succeeding at simple things doesn’t crossover into battle. Crimthan swung his sword and missed. Indiana only gave one slave a paper cut, Lord Wolfy’s wolf pounce wasn’t quite as ferocious as he’d hoped and Vena’s eldritch blast hit the ceiling. Luckily we rolled out of the way.

The sand worm decided he fancied a ranger and cleric snack. Weaponless, Cassiel panicked and asked if she could throw Frank at it (Pip and Steve are married in real life). Her strength roll not only allowed her to pick Frank up, but to work him like an Olympic hammer. She flung him into the sand worm, dazing them both. They fled and found themselves in a cavern, which contained three things: a red button in the middle of the floor, a pedestal and a pressure plate. The pedestal moved from left to right, towards the pressure plate. It would only take thirty seconds to reach the plate. Pressing the red button reset it. Cassiel and Frank took turns pressing the button while arguing about what they should do. Frank tried pressing a grove in the wall behind the pedestal. He failed and was dragged along the floor. Cassiel reset the pedestal and tried to push the wall. She also failed and was dragged. Twice.

Crimthan attacked another slave, missed and received a pickaxe to the shoulder for his troubles. He then couldn’t use his two-handed bastard sword, so took the whip Indiana had stolen from a dead guard and lashed a slave in the face. Indiana killed the slave while Vena attempted another eldritch blast. This one bounced off the floor. Lord Wolfy performed another wolf pounce, only to jump over the slaves. He jumped back, this time managing to scrape some of them with his claws. Indiana stabbed one slave in the thigh and Lord Wolfy chopped his legs off with his scythe. The slaves, completely confused and scared of these inept warriors, decided the mine was a safer place to be. We followed them and chained them up. That’ll teach ’em.

Cassiel and Frank were still battling the pedestal in the cavern. Cassiel tried to force Frank onto the pressure plate. He refused and while they were bickering, they forgot to press the red button. The pedestal hit the pressure plate and opened a door. Shamefaced, they left the cavern, joining up with the rest of us. Cassiel noticed Lord Wolfy was a strange grey colour. Despite our attempts to persuade her he was ill from eating bad meat, her nature knowledge roll exposed him as a zombie. We assured her only Vena’s crispy arm was in danger of him and despite us all drinking water infected from the zombie virus, we were all healthy. DM to Cassiel and Frank: “You notice one of your party is wearing what was an opulent dress but is now tattered.” Cassiel to Indiana: “What happened to you?” Indiana: “I jumped into acid mist and spent some time naked.” We went outside to ask one of the barely-living guards where the armoury was. He died before he could tell us. Vena attempted CPR, but her ruined arm hindered her, so Indiana suggested Lord Wolfy bite him to turn him into a zombie so he could tell us. Lord Wolfy bit him to bring him back to life. It didn’t work. DM: “You realise two of your party are still dressed as slaves, which may look suspicious to the men who hired you.” Indiana: “Should we chain them back up?” We stripped two guards of their uniforms to disguise Cassiel and Frank then decided to return to the City of Lights to claim our reward. Unfortunately, Crimthan is the only one with a horse and the knowledge of riding. So Cassiel and Lord Wolfy attempted to use their nature knowledge to control the two cart horses. Cassiel’s horse obeyed and went straight ahead. Lord Wolfy’s turned right. He eventually got it under control and we returned to the city, victorious.

*N.B* We are in the process of setting up a new blog purely for our D & D campaign. By ‘in the process of’, we mean we’ve talked about it, got a shortlist of blog themes but cannot think of a title for it so haven’t progressed further than that. We’d be very grateful for any title suggestions!

Campaign of Error

Saturday resulted in us committing cold blooded murder and doing something unspeakable with our victims’ corpses. No, we haven’t finally snapped and gone on a rampage. We were playing D and D.

Players :
Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, evil lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Cassiel, ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully evil cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

The Story so far: Escape From Fuck Mountain  Crypt Keepers


Lord Wolfy and DM with on-screen Pip

We were two members down as Pip was participating in a 24 hour game playing live stream event for charity and Steve was at home. Though we had Pip’s stream on the TV so we could watch her reactions as Tom updated her on the campaign. She then informed her viewers, who are now a little scared of our group 😀

We were still in the crypt where we ended the last meeting. Opening a chest containing purple mist resulted in all characters becoming evil, except Lord Wolfy who was outside. Vena lost all her spells and had to chose one new ability. She could have had necromancy, death, destruction…she chose bubbles. Unadulterated evil doesn’t come as easily to her and Cassiel as it does to Indiana, Crimthan and Lord Wolfy. Frank’s acts of evil are pure accident.

Our first task was to solve four riddles Tom had created. The first one nearly threw us: The way out is leet, which turned out to an Internet term for where the numerals represent the letters they look like. None of us had heard of it (much to Bryn’s shock). But we came really close to solving it. Indiana was elected to enter the booby trapped room, where she had to step on floor tiles corresponding to the correct answer. The riddles were 1: It’s at the beginning of eternity and the end of time. 2: What is lost in the day and found at night? 3: You go in blind and come out seeing. 4: The man who makes it, sells it. The person who buys it doesn’t use it. The person who uses it doesn’t know it. She failed the third one and plummeted into a hole. Crimthan chose Lord Wolfy to continue the challenge. He completed it and pulled a lever hidden in a coffin. The room also contained a bed, a chest and a candle. Crimthan tied his rope around the bed, which he and Vena sat on to add weight so Indiana could climb out of the hole. We returned to the room we’d left only to find Cassiel and Frank had vanished. Grooves on the floor betrayed their fate – they were trapped behind a wall.

We spent a very long time trying to work out how to move the wall. Crimthan checked for hidden switches, but didn’t find any. Every time we rolled a search check, DM’s answer was “it’s a concrete wall.” Lord Wolfy decided to return to the riddle room and pulled the lever in the coffin. Nothing happened. He moved the bed, which triggered arrows to shoot at him. He successfully dodged them. Indiana and Vena ventured back in and Indiana opened the chest, releasing an acid mist. Whoops. She did a reflex roll on the 20-sided dice. And rolled 1. So she leapt straight into the acid mist, melting off her leather armour. That could have gone better. Vena picked up the candle, which spewed fire over her. Her reflex roll resulted in her arm being burnt to a crisp. Indiana and Vena trudged back to Crimthan and Lord Wolfy, injured, coloured in shame and in Indiana’s case, naked. Lord Wolfy relinquished his wolf fur kilt and Crimthan sold her his fancy fur cloak. The kilt was too big, so Indiana fashioned a belt out of her grappling hook. Suddenly, Cat doesn’t find dressing as her character as appealing anymore.

Crimthan extinguished Vena’s arm, but it was badly damaged. Tempted by the smell of cooked flesh, Lord Wolfy offered to chew it off. Crimthan and Indiana talked him out of it – Vena would need both hands to cast spells. Lord Wolfy ventured outside and snacked on the zombified guards. If you think food poisoning is bad, try eating something infected with zombieism. Lord Wolfy may not be long for this world. After continuously failing to find a way around the wall trap, the now stressed DM hinted that Cassiel and Frank could not be rescued as they were not here. We left.

Lord Wolfy found a map in the cart we’d travelled in. Indiana tried to steal it off him and failed, resulting in her grappling hook getting stuck in Lord Wolfy’s belt. He reluctantly showed it to Crimthan, whose charisma modifier is significantly higher (4 against 1). We then became suspicious of Lord Wolfy’s unhealthy appearance and Crimthan attempted to tie him to the cart. Indiana came to help and tied her arm to Crimthan’s leg. Crimthan: “We should’ve left you in the hole.” After that embarrassing escapade, we decided to head for the closest place on the map – the City of Lights so Indiana could get some clothes. One problem – two horses had pulled the cart here and now we only had Hades, Crimthan’s war horse, who is more accustomed to battle than pulling carts. Fortunately, Crimthan has an empathic link to Hades, so persuading him to pull the cart wasn’t a problem. However, our water supply was. Crimthan and Indiana were the only ones with water skins. Lord Wolfy magicked a water globe, which immediately splattered into the desert. A day of desert travel used up all our water, so Lord Wolfy created another water globe which we persuaded him to pour into the cart. After we’d collected the water in our skins and drank it, DM reminded us that the cart had been used to transport corpses, which became zombies. Vena, Indiana and Crimthan suddenly weren’t feeling wonderful. The next day, Vena woke to find Lord Wolfy gnawing on her arm. It’s always awkward when that happens. After another day of travel, Crimthan used his charisma to force Lord Wolfy to make more water so he could contain it in one of his tents. Lord Wolfy responded by making the globe splatter over Crimthan’s head, drenching him.

We eventually stumbled out of the desert into grassy plains which led to a farm.  A well provided clean, zombie-virus free water, so we went looking for food. Lord Wolfy slipped out to the shop in real life so Vena, Indiana and Crimthan broke into the farmhouse and raided the pantry. Splashing upstairs pricked our ears. We were not alone. Indiana attempted to sneak upstairs. And tripped. Sneak attacks are not her strong point. The farmer’s wife leapt out of the bath, screaming at us to get out of her house. Quite frankly, her hosting skills could use a little work. She didn’t once offer us food and drink. She’s clearly not from west Wales. Crimthan and Indiana attempted to appease her by claiming zombies were coming and we were there to protect her. She was not convinced and was becoming hysterical. There was only one solution – Crimthan talked DM into letting us kill her then Indiana slit her throat. We succeed so much better at random, unimportant things than we do with vital things like combat. As the woman’s blood dripped down the stairs, Vena convinced her bat to drink it. It was about time the bat contributed to the campaign. Indiana raided the wife’s wardrobe for clothes and ended up with an elaborate dress. Can’t help thinking this was revenge on the DM’s part for all the cock ups. Or maybe ‘cos in real life, we wear impractical clothing so wearing an elaborate dress for adventures isn’t that far fetched. Cutting it off at the knees and slitting it up the sides to allow access to Indiana’s daggers was the only way to avoid her dexterity being compromised. Shame about her dignity.

Lord Wolfy returned and teamed up with Crimthan and Indiana to harvest the wife’s ribs – they could always come in handy for lock picks. DM reminded us that none of us had craft skills, but we weren’t deterred. Unfortunately, we snapped the ribs (should’ve listened to DM), but her skull was much easier to steal. Crimthan told Lord Wolfy to eat the wife, so there would be no evidence. Lord Wolfy surrendered to his blossoming zombie instincts and chowed her down. He decided we needed to send a message to the farmer, so used what remained of her blood to draw a crude picture of her wall on the wall with two chilling messages: ‘alive‘ and ‘hope you’re happy’. This second message was part of his plan to convince the farmer that he hired us to kill his wife. Vena was against this whole plan, but unfortunately was outnumbered by three people who had discovered a new love of art. Vena spent her time throwing up. We then lit flint inside the woman’s skull to illuminate our morbid mural.

We slept in the farmhouse while we awaited the farmer’s arrival. You know what it’s like when you’ve planned a surprise for someone – it’s not the same if you’re not there to see their reaction. When the farmer returned, we were taken aback to learn he was a she. She became hysterical when she discovered we’d murdered her wife and Crimthan was wearing her hair, after Indiana said  it would be paying tribute to the butchered woman. She refused to believe she’d got drunk and hired us to kill her wife. Attempts at calming her failed, so again, Crimthan charmed DM into letting us kill her. Indiana plunged both daggers into her breasts. Lord Wolfy heroically ate her as well, leaving Indiana to swipe her skull. Vena had stopped throwing up by now, having become a little desensitised to the carnage. There was nothing worth sticking around for, so as we left, Lord Wolfy talked Vena into torching the house. Vena threw a fire bubble at the house and we walked away in slow motion without looking back. Like goddamn heroes.

Pip’s live screen reaction to this turn of events was priceless. You know the campaign is not going to the DM’s plan when he sits with his head in his hands, emitting something between hysterical laughter and wails of despair. Our Twitter update read: We broke Tom.

We reached the City of Lights by nightfall and Lord Wolfy thought the best way to walk through the slums was to pretend to be a theatre troupe.  After all, we had skulls, so we could act out Hamlet. Or whatever version of Hamlet exists in our Fuck Mountain fantasy land. Vena: “I’m not with them,” as we passed frightened people. Unfortunately, we burned our cart with the house and a war horse in full armour isn’t something usually associated with travelling theatre. Lord Wolfy: “we should remove the horse’s armour so he looks more like a horse.” For some reason, the people in the slums were terrified and kept running away. We captured a child and asked him why everyone was so scared. He refused to answer. There was only one thing for it – Lord Wolfy transformed into a wolf and pinned him down, while Indiana aimed a dagger at his face. Crimthan warned the child that Lord Wolfy would eat him if he didn’t talk. Vena was against the idea, but again was outnumbered. Our methods of interrogation failed. So not wishing to make a liar out of Crimthan, Lord Wolfy ate the child. He was warned.

And Frank the cleric had nothing to do with it. We like to think we killed the child in his honour.

We reached the city walls, which were guarded by two portcullises. Indiana used her grappling hook to scale the wall, leaving the rest of us outside, loitering like unsavoury types. DM: “You’re wearing an elaborate dress.” Indiana: “Which I hacked off at the knees.” DM: “You just swung down the wall in a short dress and landed on your arse in front of guards.” Indiana: “Evening, lads.” She then tried to convince the guards she was a queen from a far off land. They demanded to see her royal seal, so she sent them to fetch her handmaiden. Lord Wolfy claimed to be the handmaiden and said the amulet worn by Vena was the seal of Atlantis. The guards weren’t convinced. Guards in the City of Light are really mistrustful of heavily armed, oddly dressed, skull-bearing strangers!

While Indiana parkoured her way up the walls surrounding the cathedral, the rest of us tried to talk our way inside. Lord Wolfy tried persuading the guards that they needed a pet wolf. But they weren’t convinced, even when Crimthan pointed out Lord Wolfy looks damn fine in the rain. So Lord Wolfy told them he and Crimthan wished to marry in the cathedral. Guards: “You’re both men.” Lord Wolfy: “That’s very homophobic of you.” Guards: “Our religion doesn’t allow same sex marriage.” Crimthan: “but there were two women who were married in the farmouse.” Guard: “they’ve been banished.” Crimthan: “well it’s a good job we dealt with them then.” Guard: “did you murder them?” Crimthan: “no, we dealt with them. In your god’s name.”

Indiana attempted to swing in through the cathedral window and swung into the wall. She climbed in through the window and looked around. In hindsight, searching for a way to open the portcullis might have been more beneficial. The guards still refused to allow the others in, despite Lord Wolfy suggesting their monarch would love our theatre performance, so Indiana suggested setting fire to the child’s corpse and throwing it over the wall as a distraction. Lord Wolfy thought it would be a good idea to kill everyone in the slums and pile their corpses against the wall to climb over. Vena: “stop killing people!”

Will Indiana be caught in the cathedral? Will Vena, Lord Wolfy and Crimthan get beyond the city walls? Will Cassiel and Frank escape the crypt? And will DM ever recover his broken sanity? Only the dice knows.

Crypt Keepers

We may have finally escaped Fuck Mountain, however, its curse hangs over us and we remain the most incompetent D & D players probably in history. But then, you expected that, right? February is apparently DM appreciation month and a site listed a load of things D & Ders could do to show their appreciation. Surprisingly, Tom didn’t write it. One included dressing as your character, which we already do. Another suggested making a crown or sash for your DM and making them wear it. So between bathing the iguana and waiting for the rugby to start, we found some black card and silver and gold pens and we made Tom a crown. And yes, he wore it throughout.

All hail King God

All hail King God

We had three NPCs (non-playing characters) join us – Bryn, Kae and Brad. And Bryn brought Samurai swords. So we started proceedings with a group photo, with us, Jordan and Bryn brandishing weapons and looking more like a troop of serial killers than friends playing a role playing game. Here’s a reminder of who we are:

Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, neutrally lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Casiel, ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully good cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

The story so far: Escape from Fuck Mountain

We started by checking the map to see where we needed to go and were attracted to a vault inside a crypt, which looked to be about a day’s journey away. We judged this on the fact it took us three days to get off Fuck Mountain. Crimthan and Indiana decided to steal a wagon. Preferably the wagon containing the money for the orphanage. Lord Wolfy was in on the plan. We tried persuading Frank, who was reminded that his god was not pleased with him for the orphan death. Lord Wolfy, Indiana and Crimthan tried persuading Frank to change his alliance to evil. Also being of the religious persuasion, Crimthan pointed out that he serves a god, it’s just that his is a dark god. After wrestling with his conscience, Frank declined to help. So Crimthan and Indiana found a cart laden with corpses that was heading for the crypts and offered their services as guards in exchange for a ride. We then had to persuade the others to join us so told Frank his god wanted him to ride with the corpse of his victim as penance. Guilt tripping is a marvellous invention.

We killed time buying weapons and mocking Frank and Casiel for the fact they had no gold for the shop. Because we’d stolen it in the last play. When midday rolled around, we made our way to the wagon, only to encounter an old woman (Kae) near the bridge. She had bags of shopping and shiny objects. Lord Wolfy and Indiana concocted a plan to murder the old woman and rob her corpse and asked Frank to distract her so Indiana could use her sneak attack skills. Indiana told Frank the old woman was a witch and the shiny object in her hand was a dagger, that she planned to kill our party with. The DM reminded Frank that despite the number of deaths he had caused, he was lawfully good and participating in the murder and robbery of an old woman wouldn’t win him any favours with his god. So Crimthan stepped in to help. Lord Wolfy then bought favours (no, not that kind) off Casiel, Crimthan, Indiana and Vena and called in his favour to Vena to make her use a daze spell on the old woman. In the meantime, Casiel had offered to help the old woman and took her shopping bags. Vena dazed the woman, Indiana failed in her sneak attack so Lord Wolfy butchered the woman with his scythe. Then Indiana robbed her and she and Crimthan ran off to the wagon. It turned out, the old woman did have a dagger. Frank failed to heal her and left her to bleed to death while she cursed us all. Despite being good, Frank has caused more deaths than the two evil characters combined.

Lord Wolfy called in his favours to Crimthan and Indiana, forcing them to surrender all their gold to him, which he then passed on to one of the guards (Brad). So Indiana robbed the guard. We finally made it to the crypt and sent Vena in to open the vault with her spells. The guards (Bryn and Brad) carried the corpses in and before we could get into the vault, the corpses became the living dead and attacked the guards, turning them into zombies. Crimthan attacked them, slicing off an arm. Vena partially melted one. Indiana heroically tripped and fell into one then got bitten. Between the six of us, we finally managed to defeat the two zombies and headed into the vaults. Lord Wolfy stayed outside. Crimthan went first and triggered a trap, getting shot by arrows. Indiana searched for other traps but failed to find them so sent Frank on ahead, just in case.

After a long debate about whether we should or should not open sarcophagi to check for treasure, we passed through some more rooms. Vena and Indiana spotted a small chest, which Frank and Crimthan didn’t see as they were busy staring at the walls. Indiana stumbled getting to the chest so Vena opened it. And released a purple light that infiltrated everyone in the room, turning Vena, Casiel and Frank evil (it was just a matter of time really), and making Crimthan and Indiana even more evil. Safe outside, Lord Wolfy was unaffected. Vena found an amulet at the bottom of the chest. It will no doubt get stolen the next time we meet.

Escape From Fuck Mountain

So last night, we made Steve, a cleric glow, threw him into a cave where he and a ranger, Pip, got attacked by a fire-breathing beetle then we robbed them, only for the cleric to later be responsible for an orphan burning to death while Lynx lost a jousting tournament and Cat, Jordan and Amy got thrown in jail. Just another Friday night round Tom’s.

No, we haven’t suddenly become a group of outlaws. We’ve started playing Dungeons and Dragons. And we love it! To be honest, we didn’t know much about D & D. We thought it was a game played by men who lived in their mothers’ basements and had trouble getting girlfriends. We thought a game where your fate was decided on a dice roll could not be fun. We were wrong. So very, very wrong. We’re sorry. It is a hell of a lot of fun and out of the group, we’re the only ones who live with our mum. When we announced on Twitter that we’d started a D & D campaign, instead of mocking us, they said “we didn’t think you guys could get any cooler. We were wrong.” Aw thanks. We don’t think we’re cool but we’re glad someone does. We have even taken it to the next level and started dressing as our characters.  We asked our Tweeps if this would be taking it too far. The unanimous answer was: no. In fact, one of our tweeps said it would make us even more cooler. So here we are in our D & D gear. Yes, the weapons are real.C L Raven

This is our cast in Escape from Fuck Mountain: Tom – Dungeon Master. Lynx – Crimthan, a lawfully evil paladin who had a disappointing life and has an empathic link to his warhorse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, a chaotically evil Rogue who keeps failing at sneak attacks and tree climbing. Amy – Vena Owens, a lawfully neutral half-elf waitress with wizard powers and a bat familiar, who joined the party to escape life at the Fuck Inn. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, a chaotic neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and has a deep-seated hatred for wolves. He weighs three and half wolves and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Casiel, a Ranger with a hawk who keeps getting robbed and kicked out of trees by the rest of us. Steve – Frank, a lawfully good cleric, who’s supposed to be the good guy of the group but burned an orphan to death and pissed off his god.

The story so far: Day One: We all met in Fuck Inn, where Frank failed to get served and is still bitter about it. A man stumbled in and died in front of us. Indiana Raine stole a map from his pocket but was caught by Crimthan. The map contained mystic symbols, which Vena managed to decipher as being magical and that was it. But it was dark and she was cleaning up blood. After concluding the X on the map meant treasure, we all set off to find it. A visit to Fuck Mountain General Stores led to Lord Wolfy languishing in the sauna for an hour while the rest of us failed to buy supplies for our three day trek through the woods, having been distracted by the sauna. We soon realised our mistake when the night turned cold and we had nothing to sleep in and no fire-starting implements. Lord Wolfy attempted to make a fire using Casiel’s bow. And broke it. Casiel went to sleep in a tree so Indiana Raine attempted to climb the tree to steal the bow. And fell out. After eventually getting into the tree, she then failed to sneakily steal the bow and pulled Casiel out of the tree. After Crimthan eventually started a fire, Casiel returned to her tree. Then we realised she had the food. Lord Wolfy threw a rock at her to wake her up and knocked her unconscious. Crimthan threw the rock and hit her out of the tree.

Half a day trek on, Casiel realised she’d left her bow in the tree and sent her hawk to retrieve it. The hawk dropped it in a tree. Casiel and Indiana kept falling out of the tree in an attempt to fetch the bow so Crimthan tried to chop it down. And got his sword stuck. Then we got attacked by 5 wolves. Lord Wolfy got savaged and lay bleeding out for the entire fight. Vena hit more trees than wolves with her crossbow, Casiel’s arrows hit everywhere except the wolves, Indiana failed in her sneak attack on them but eventually killed one. Crimthan killed 2 and Frank and Casiel eventually killed one each. We later discovered Tom halved their HP. And they were a level 1! This wasn’t looking good. Tom “I’d planned for you to get off Fuck Mountain by the end of the first session. You’re two days behind.”

Who knew dice rolls could be so fatal?

Session 2: Vena read the map and spied a desert village, so we decided to visit it in the hope we could buy some camping supplies. En route, Crimthan spotted circular tracks belonging to a large beetle. Casiel wanted to capture the beetle to use it as a pack mule so we set off in pursuit, tracking it to a cave. Frank was nominated to enter the cave, so Lord Wolfy used his power to make him glow. Crimthan successfully threw him into the cave (don’t ask), where he was attacked by the beetle, which breathed fire. Casiel went in after him because Frank was cutting the beetle’s legs off and she wanted to ride it. The beetle attacked Casiel, who had no weapons. The rest of us stood outside the cave, chatting as the beetle knocked Frank and Casiel unconscious. At this point, Indiana and Crimthan entered the cave, and between them, killed the beetle. Indiana spotted a bag and tried to steal it, but Crimthan caught her and tore the bag in half. Gold coins scattered over the cave, so they collected them. Lord Wolfy thought it would be a good idea to rob Casiel and Frank, as they didn’t need their food or gold, seeing as they were unconscious. Nobody objected, so they were relieved of their possessions and left in the cave to come round while the rest of the party continued towards the desert village.

Lord Wolfy angered the DM, who caused a tree to fall in the forest. A lot of time was spent arguing about the best way to deal with the tree, until Crimthan eventually chopped it up. By this time, Casiel and Frank had caught up. Frank believed Lord Wolfy’s lies that their food and gold were stolen by Bandits, but Casiel wasn’t fooled. Lord Wolfy wanted to ride Crimthan’s horse, so they rolled for it. Crimthan lost. Convinced Lord Wolfy would steal his horse, he used his empathetic link to make Hades throw Lord Wolfy. We eventually made our way to the village, discovering there was a festival with different competitions. We spent the rest of the day in the inn before retiring to bed. The next day, Crimthan entered the jousting competition and lost in the second round. Casiel entered the archery competition (after borrowing money from Vena) and was doing well until she insulted the DM’s maths skills. She lost the competition. Note to selves: don’t anger the DM. He is God 😀

Vena visited a fortune teller to make sense of the map while Frank decided to entertain the village children, by regaling them with tales of yonder. The children were so bored, one set fire to the tent. Frank panicked while burning fabric rained down upon him and eventually managed to usher most of the children out. However, one unconscious orphan was accidentally left behind to burn. Frank hid from the angry villagers in the inn. Meanwhile, Lord Wolfy and Indiana hatched a plot to rob the villagers. Lord Wolfy would transform into a wolf and frighten the villagers, while Indiana would step in, offer to kill the wolf for a fee then return with her fur cloak as evidence. The guards who were watching the box of money collected from the competition’s entry fees, were a higher level than us and shot Lord Wolfy with their crossbows. Indiana lured the captain of the guards away and launched a sneak attack to slit his throat. And failed. Unimpressed by Lord Wolfy and Indiana’s antics, the guards threw them in jail. Indiana attempted to pick the lock. And failed. Vena heard the commotion and was able to open the jail with her spells. Indiana attempted a sneak attack on the guard. And failed. The three of them spent the rest of the festival behind bars.

So while we seem to be better at attacking each other than actual enemies, we have been fully converted to D & D and look forwards to every Friday night encounter. Will we get through a day without bickering? Will we ever win a fight? And will we ever escape from goddamn Fuck Mountain?