Crypt Keepers

We may have finally escaped Fuck Mountain, however, its curse hangs over us and we remain the most incompetent D & D players probably in history. But then, you expected that, right? February is apparently DM appreciation month and a site listed a load of things D & Ders could do to show their appreciation. Surprisingly, Tom didn’t write it. One included dressing as your character, which we already do. Another suggested making a crown or sash for your DM and making them wear it. So between bathing the iguana and waiting for the rugby to start, we found some black card and silver and gold pens and we made Tom a crown. And yes, he wore it throughout.

All hail King God

All hail King God

We had three NPCs (non-playing characters) join us – Bryn, Kae and Brad. And Bryn brought Samurai swords. So we started proceedings with a group photo, with us, Jordan and Bryn brandishing weapons and looking more like a troop of serial killers than friends playing a role playing game. Here’s a reminder of who we are:

Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, neutrally lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Casiel, ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully good cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

The story so far: Escape from Fuck Mountain

We started by checking the map to see where we needed to go and were attracted to a vault inside a crypt, which looked to be about a day’s journey away. We judged this on the fact it took us three days to get off Fuck Mountain. Crimthan and Indiana decided to steal a wagon. Preferably the wagon containing the money for the orphanage. Lord Wolfy was in on the plan. We tried persuading Frank, who was reminded that his god was not pleased with him for the orphan death. Lord Wolfy, Indiana and Crimthan tried persuading Frank to change his alliance to evil. Also being of the religious persuasion, Crimthan pointed out that he serves a god, it’s just that his is a dark god. After wrestling with his conscience, Frank declined to help. So Crimthan and Indiana found a cart laden with corpses that was heading for the crypts and offered their services as guards in exchange for a ride. We then had to persuade the others to join us so told Frank his god wanted him to ride with the corpse of his victim as penance. Guilt tripping is a marvellous invention.

We killed time buying weapons and mocking Frank and Casiel for the fact they had no gold for the shop. Because we’d stolen it in the last play. When midday rolled around, we made our way to the wagon, only to encounter an old woman (Kae) near the bridge. She had bags of shopping and shiny objects. Lord Wolfy and Indiana concocted a plan to murder the old woman and rob her corpse and asked Frank to distract her so Indiana could use her sneak attack skills. Indiana told Frank the old woman was a witch and the shiny object in her hand was a dagger, that she planned to kill our party with. The DM reminded Frank that despite the number of deaths he had caused, he was lawfully good and participating in the murder and robbery of an old woman wouldn’t win him any favours with his god. So Crimthan stepped in to help. Lord Wolfy then bought favours (no, not that kind) off Casiel, Crimthan, Indiana and Vena and called in his favour to Vena to make her use a daze spell on the old woman. In the meantime, Casiel had offered to help the old woman and took her shopping bags. Vena dazed the woman, Indiana failed in her sneak attack so Lord Wolfy butchered the woman with his scythe. Then Indiana robbed her and she and Crimthan ran off to the wagon. It turned out, the old woman did have a dagger. Frank failed to heal her and left her to bleed to death while she cursed us all. Despite being good, Frank has caused more deaths than the two evil characters combined.

Lord Wolfy called in his favours to Crimthan and Indiana, forcing them to surrender all their gold to him, which he then passed on to one of the guards (Brad). So Indiana robbed the guard. We finally made it to the crypt and sent Vena in to open the vault with her spells. The guards (Bryn and Brad) carried the corpses in and before we could get into the vault, the corpses became the living dead and attacked the guards, turning them into zombies. Crimthan attacked them, slicing off an arm. Vena partially melted one. Indiana heroically tripped and fell into one then got bitten. Between the six of us, we finally managed to defeat the two zombies and headed into the vaults. Lord Wolfy stayed outside. Crimthan went first and triggered a trap, getting shot by arrows. Indiana searched for other traps but failed to find them so sent Frank on ahead, just in case.

After a long debate about whether we should or should not open sarcophagi to check for treasure, we passed through some more rooms. Vena and Indiana spotted a small chest, which Frank and Crimthan didn’t see as they were busy staring at the walls. Indiana stumbled getting to the chest so Vena opened it. And released a purple light that infiltrated everyone in the room, turning Vena, Casiel and Frank evil (it was just a matter of time really), and making Crimthan and Indiana even more evil. Safe outside, Lord Wolfy was unaffected. Vena found an amulet at the bottom of the chest. It will no doubt get stolen the next time we meet.

Escape From Fuck Mountain

So last night, we made Steve, a cleric glow, threw him into a cave where he and a ranger, Pip, got attacked by a fire-breathing beetle then we robbed them, only for the cleric to later be responsible for an orphan burning to death while Lynx lost a jousting tournament and Cat, Jordan and Amy got thrown in jail. Just another Friday night round Tom’s.

No, we haven’t suddenly become a group of outlaws. We’ve started playing Dungeons and Dragons. And we love it! To be honest, we didn’t know much about D & D. We thought it was a game played by men who lived in their mothers’ basements and had trouble getting girlfriends. We thought a game where your fate was decided on a dice roll could not be fun. We were wrong. So very, very wrong. We’re sorry. It is a hell of a lot of fun and out of the group, we’re the only ones who live with our mum. When we announced on Twitter that we’d started a D & D campaign, instead of mocking us, they said “we didn’t think you guys could get any cooler. We were wrong.” Aw thanks. We don’t think we’re cool but we’re glad someone does. We have even taken it to the next level and started dressing as our characters.  We asked our Tweeps if this would be taking it too far. The unanimous answer was: no. In fact, one of our tweeps said it would make us even more cooler. So here we are in our D & D gear. Yes, the weapons are real.C L Raven

This is our cast in Escape from Fuck Mountain: Tom – Dungeon Master. Lynx – Crimthan, a lawfully evil paladin who had a disappointing life and has an empathic link to his warhorse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, a chaotically evil Rogue who keeps failing at sneak attacks and tree climbing. Amy – Vena Owens, a lawfully neutral half-elf waitress with wizard powers and a bat familiar, who joined the party to escape life at the Fuck Inn. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, a chaotic neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and has a deep-seated hatred for wolves. He weighs three and half wolves and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Casiel, a Ranger with a hawk who keeps getting robbed and kicked out of trees by the rest of us. Steve – Frank, a lawfully good cleric, who’s supposed to be the good guy of the group but burned an orphan to death and pissed off his god.

The story so far: Day One: We all met in Fuck Inn, where Frank failed to get served and is still bitter about it. A man stumbled in and died in front of us. Indiana Raine stole a map from his pocket but was caught by Crimthan. The map contained mystic symbols, which Vena managed to decipher as being magical and that was it. But it was dark and she was cleaning up blood. After concluding the X on the map meant treasure, we all set off to find it. A visit to Fuck Mountain General Stores led to Lord Wolfy languishing in the sauna for an hour while the rest of us failed to buy supplies for our three day trek through the woods, having been distracted by the sauna. We soon realised our mistake when the night turned cold and we had nothing to sleep in and no fire-starting implements. Lord Wolfy attempted to make a fire using Casiel’s bow. And broke it. Casiel went to sleep in a tree so Indiana Raine attempted to climb the tree to steal the bow. And fell out. After eventually getting into the tree, she then failed to sneakily steal the bow and pulled Casiel out of the tree. After Crimthan eventually started a fire, Casiel returned to her tree. Then we realised she had the food. Lord Wolfy threw a rock at her to wake her up and knocked her unconscious. Crimthan threw the rock and hit her out of the tree.

Half a day trek on, Casiel realised she’d left her bow in the tree and sent her hawk to retrieve it. The hawk dropped it in a tree. Casiel and Indiana kept falling out of the tree in an attempt to fetch the bow so Crimthan tried to chop it down. And got his sword stuck. Then we got attacked by 5 wolves. Lord Wolfy got savaged and lay bleeding out for the entire fight. Vena hit more trees than wolves with her crossbow, Casiel’s arrows hit everywhere except the wolves, Indiana failed in her sneak attack on them but eventually killed one. Crimthan killed 2 and Frank and Casiel eventually killed one each. We later discovered Tom halved their HP. And they were a level 1! This wasn’t looking good. Tom “I’d planned for you to get off Fuck Mountain by the end of the first session. You’re two days behind.”

Who knew dice rolls could be so fatal?

Session 2: Vena read the map and spied a desert village, so we decided to visit it in the hope we could buy some camping supplies. En route, Crimthan spotted circular tracks belonging to a large beetle. Casiel wanted to capture the beetle to use it as a pack mule so we set off in pursuit, tracking it to a cave. Frank was nominated to enter the cave, so Lord Wolfy used his power to make him glow. Crimthan successfully threw him into the cave (don’t ask), where he was attacked by the beetle, which breathed fire. Casiel went in after him because Frank was cutting the beetle’s legs off and she wanted to ride it. The beetle attacked Casiel, who had no weapons. The rest of us stood outside the cave, chatting as the beetle knocked Frank and Casiel unconscious. At this point, Indiana and Crimthan entered the cave, and between them, killed the beetle. Indiana spotted a bag and tried to steal it, but Crimthan caught her and tore the bag in half. Gold coins scattered over the cave, so they collected them. Lord Wolfy thought it would be a good idea to rob Casiel and Frank, as they didn’t need their food or gold, seeing as they were unconscious. Nobody objected, so they were relieved of their possessions and left in the cave to come round while the rest of the party continued towards the desert village.

Lord Wolfy angered the DM, who caused a tree to fall in the forest. A lot of time was spent arguing about the best way to deal with the tree, until Crimthan eventually chopped it up. By this time, Casiel and Frank had caught up. Frank believed Lord Wolfy’s lies that their food and gold were stolen by Bandits, but Casiel wasn’t fooled. Lord Wolfy wanted to ride Crimthan’s horse, so they rolled for it. Crimthan lost. Convinced Lord Wolfy would steal his horse, he used his empathetic link to make Hades throw Lord Wolfy. We eventually made our way to the village, discovering there was a festival with different competitions. We spent the rest of the day in the inn before retiring to bed. The next day, Crimthan entered the jousting competition and lost in the second round. Casiel entered the archery competition (after borrowing money from Vena) and was doing well until she insulted the DM’s maths skills. She lost the competition. Note to selves: don’t anger the DM. He is God 😀

Vena visited a fortune teller to make sense of the map while Frank decided to entertain the village children, by regaling them with tales of yonder. The children were so bored, one set fire to the tent. Frank panicked while burning fabric rained down upon him and eventually managed to usher most of the children out. However, one unconscious orphan was accidentally left behind to burn. Frank hid from the angry villagers in the inn. Meanwhile, Lord Wolfy and Indiana hatched a plot to rob the villagers. Lord Wolfy would transform into a wolf and frighten the villagers, while Indiana would step in, offer to kill the wolf for a fee then return with her fur cloak as evidence. The guards who were watching the box of money collected from the competition’s entry fees, were a higher level than us and shot Lord Wolfy with their crossbows. Indiana lured the captain of the guards away and launched a sneak attack to slit his throat. And failed. Unimpressed by Lord Wolfy and Indiana’s antics, the guards threw them in jail. Indiana attempted to pick the lock. And failed. Vena heard the commotion and was able to open the jail with her spells. Indiana attempted a sneak attack on the guard. And failed. The three of them spent the rest of the festival behind bars.

So while we seem to be better at attacking each other than actual enemies, we have been fully converted to D & D and look forwards to every Friday night encounter. Will we get through a day without bickering? Will we ever win a fight? And will we ever escape from goddamn Fuck Mountain?