Campaign of Error

Saturday resulted in us committing cold blooded murder and doing something unspeakable with our victims’ corpses. No, we haven’t finally snapped and gone on a rampage. We were playing D and D.

Players :
Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, evil lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Cassiel, ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully evil cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

The Story so far: Escape From Fuck Mountain  Crypt Keepers

Lord Wolfy and DM with on-screen Pip

We were two members down as Pip was participating in a 24 hour game playing live stream event for charity and Steve was at home. Though we had Pip’s stream on the TV so we could watch her reactions as Tom updated her on the campaign. She then informed her viewers, who are now a little scared of our group 😀

We were still in the crypt where we ended the last meeting. Opening a chest containing purple mist resulted in all characters becoming evil, except Lord Wolfy who was outside. Vena lost all her spells and had to chose one new ability. She could have had necromancy, death, destruction…she chose bubbles. Unadulterated evil doesn’t come as easily to her and Cassiel as it does to Indiana, Crimthan and Lord Wolfy. Frank’s acts of evil are pure accident.

Our first task was to solve four riddles Tom had created. The first one nearly threw us: The way out is leet, which turned out to an Internet term for where the numerals represent the letters they look like. None of us had heard of it (much to Bryn’s shock). But we came really close to solving it. Indiana was elected to enter the booby trapped room, where she had to step on floor tiles corresponding to the correct answer. The riddles were 1: It’s at the beginning of eternity and the end of time. 2: What is lost in the day and found at night? 3: You go in blind and come out seeing. 4: The man who makes it, sells it. The person who buys it doesn’t use it. The person who uses it doesn’t know it. She failed the third one and plummeted into a hole. Crimthan chose Lord Wolfy to continue the challenge. He completed it and pulled a lever hidden in a coffin. The room also contained a bed, a chest and a candle. Crimthan tied his rope around the bed, which he and Vena sat on to add weight so Indiana could climb out of the hole. We returned to the room we’d left only to find Cassiel and Frank had vanished. Grooves on the floor betrayed their fate – they were trapped behind a wall.

We spent a very long time trying to work out how to move the wall. Crimthan checked for hidden switches, but didn’t find any. Every time we rolled a search check, DM’s answer was “it’s a concrete wall.” Lord Wolfy decided to return to the riddle room and pulled the lever in the coffin. Nothing happened. He moved the bed, which triggered arrows to shoot at him. He successfully dodged them. Indiana and Vena ventured back in and Indiana opened the chest, releasing an acid mist. Whoops. She did a reflex roll on the 20-sided dice. And rolled 1. So she leapt straight into the acid mist, melting off her leather armour. That could have gone better. Vena picked up the candle, which spewed fire over her. Her reflex roll resulted in her arm being burnt to a crisp. Indiana and Vena trudged back to Crimthan and Lord Wolfy, injured, coloured in shame and in Indiana’s case, naked. Lord Wolfy relinquished his wolf fur kilt and Crimthan sold her his fancy fur cloak. The kilt was too big, so Indiana fashioned a belt out of her grappling hook. Suddenly, Cat doesn’t find dressing as her character as appealing anymore.

Crimthan extinguished Vena’s arm, but it was badly damaged. Tempted by the smell of cooked flesh, Lord Wolfy offered to chew it off. Crimthan and Indiana talked him out of it – Vena would need both hands to cast spells. Lord Wolfy ventured outside and snacked on the zombified guards. If you think food poisoning is bad, try eating something infected with zombieism. Lord Wolfy may not be long for this world. After continuously failing to find a way around the wall trap, the now stressed DM hinted that Cassiel and Frank could not be rescued as they were not here. We left.

Lord Wolfy found a map in the cart we’d travelled in. Indiana tried to steal it off him and failed, resulting in her grappling hook getting stuck in Lord Wolfy’s belt. He reluctantly showed it to Crimthan, whose charisma modifier is significantly higher (4 against 1). We then became suspicious of Lord Wolfy’s unhealthy appearance and Crimthan attempted to tie him to the cart. Indiana came to help and tied her arm to Crimthan’s leg. Crimthan: “We should’ve left you in the hole.” After that embarrassing escapade, we decided to head for the closest place on the map – the City of Lights so Indiana could get some clothes. One problem – two horses had pulled the cart here and now we only had Hades, Crimthan’s war horse, who is more accustomed to battle than pulling carts. Fortunately, Crimthan has an empathic link to Hades, so persuading him to pull the cart wasn’t a problem. However, our water supply was. Crimthan and Indiana were the only ones with water skins. Lord Wolfy magicked a water globe, which immediately splattered into the desert. A day of desert travel used up all our water, so Lord Wolfy created another water globe which we persuaded him to pour into the cart. After we’d collected the water in our skins and drank it, DM reminded us that the cart had been used to transport corpses, which became zombies. Vena, Indiana and Crimthan suddenly weren’t feeling wonderful. The next day, Vena woke to find Lord Wolfy gnawing on her arm. It’s always awkward when that happens. After another day of travel, Crimthan used his charisma to force Lord Wolfy to make more water so he could contain it in one of his tents. Lord Wolfy responded by making the globe splatter over Crimthan’s head, drenching him.

We eventually stumbled out of the desert into grassy plains which led to a farm.  A well provided clean, zombie-virus free water, so we went looking for food. Lord Wolfy slipped out to the shop in real life so Vena, Indiana and Crimthan broke into the farmhouse and raided the pantry. Splashing upstairs pricked our ears. We were not alone. Indiana attempted to sneak upstairs. And tripped. Sneak attacks are not her strong point. The farmer’s wife leapt out of the bath, screaming at us to get out of her house. Quite frankly, her hosting skills could use a little work. She didn’t once offer us food and drink. She’s clearly not from west Wales. Crimthan and Indiana attempted to appease her by claiming zombies were coming and we were there to protect her. She was not convinced and was becoming hysterical. There was only one solution – Crimthan talked DM into letting us kill her then Indiana slit her throat. We succeed so much better at random, unimportant things than we do with vital things like combat. As the woman’s blood dripped down the stairs, Vena convinced her bat to drink it. It was about time the bat contributed to the campaign. Indiana raided the wife’s wardrobe for clothes and ended up with an elaborate dress. Can’t help thinking this was revenge on the DM’s part for all the cock ups. Or maybe ‘cos in real life, we wear impractical clothing so wearing an elaborate dress for adventures isn’t that far fetched. Cutting it off at the knees and slitting it up the sides to allow access to Indiana’s daggers was the only way to avoid her dexterity being compromised. Shame about her dignity.

Lord Wolfy returned and teamed up with Crimthan and Indiana to harvest the wife’s ribs – they could always come in handy for lock picks. DM reminded us that none of us had craft skills, but we weren’t deterred. Unfortunately, we snapped the ribs (should’ve listened to DM), but her skull was much easier to steal. Crimthan told Lord Wolfy to eat the wife, so there would be no evidence. Lord Wolfy surrendered to his blossoming zombie instincts and chowed her down. He decided we needed to send a message to the farmer, so used what remained of her blood to draw a crude picture of her wall on the wall with two chilling messages: ‘alive‘ and ‘hope you’re happy’. This second message was part of his plan to convince the farmer that he hired us to kill his wife. Vena was against this whole plan, but unfortunately was outnumbered by three people who had discovered a new love of art. Vena spent her time throwing up. We then lit flint inside the woman’s skull to illuminate our morbid mural.

We slept in the farmhouse while we awaited the farmer’s arrival. You know what it’s like when you’ve planned a surprise for someone – it’s not the same if you’re not there to see their reaction. When the farmer returned, we were taken aback to learn he was a she. She became hysterical when she discovered we’d murdered her wife and Crimthan was wearing her hair, after Indiana said  it would be paying tribute to the butchered woman. She refused to believe she’d got drunk and hired us to kill her wife. Attempts at calming her failed, so again, Crimthan charmed DM into letting us kill her. Indiana plunged both daggers into her breasts. Lord Wolfy heroically ate her as well, leaving Indiana to swipe her skull. Vena had stopped throwing up by now, having become a little desensitised to the carnage. There was nothing worth sticking around for, so as we left, Lord Wolfy talked Vena into torching the house. Vena threw a fire bubble at the house and we walked away in slow motion without looking back. Like goddamn heroes.

Pip’s live screen reaction to this turn of events was priceless. You know the campaign is not going to the DM’s plan when he sits with his head in his hands, emitting something between hysterical laughter and wails of despair. Our Twitter update read: We broke Tom.

We reached the City of Lights by nightfall and Lord Wolfy thought the best way to walk through the slums was to pretend to be a theatre troupe.  After all, we had skulls, so we could act out Hamlet. Or whatever version of Hamlet exists in our Fuck Mountain fantasy land. Vena: “I’m not with them,” as we passed frightened people. Unfortunately, we burned our cart with the house and a war horse in full armour isn’t something usually associated with travelling theatre. Lord Wolfy: “we should remove the horse’s armour so he looks more like a horse.” For some reason, the people in the slums were terrified and kept running away. We captured a child and asked him why everyone was so scared. He refused to answer. There was only one thing for it – Lord Wolfy transformed into a wolf and pinned him down, while Indiana aimed a dagger at his face. Crimthan warned the child that Lord Wolfy would eat him if he didn’t talk. Vena was against the idea, but again was outnumbered. Our methods of interrogation failed. So not wishing to make a liar out of Crimthan, Lord Wolfy ate the child. He was warned.

And Frank the cleric had nothing to do with it. We like to think we killed the child in his honour.

We reached the city walls, which were guarded by two portcullises. Indiana used her grappling hook to scale the wall, leaving the rest of us outside, loitering like unsavoury types. DM: “You’re wearing an elaborate dress.” Indiana: “Which I hacked off at the knees.” DM: “You just swung down the wall in a short dress and landed on your arse in front of guards.” Indiana: “Evening, lads.” She then tried to convince the guards she was a queen from a far off land. They demanded to see her royal seal, so she sent them to fetch her handmaiden. Lord Wolfy claimed to be the handmaiden and said the amulet worn by Vena was the seal of Atlantis. The guards weren’t convinced. Guards in the City of Light are really mistrustful of heavily armed, oddly dressed, skull-bearing strangers!

While Indiana parkoured her way up the walls surrounding the cathedral, the rest of us tried to talk our way inside. Lord Wolfy tried persuading the guards that they needed a pet wolf. But they weren’t convinced, even when Crimthan pointed out Lord Wolfy looks damn fine in the rain. So Lord Wolfy told them he and Crimthan wished to marry in the cathedral. Guards: “You’re both men.” Lord Wolfy: “That’s very homophobic of you.” Guards: “Our religion doesn’t allow same sex marriage.” Crimthan: “but there were two women who were married in the farmouse.” Guard: “they’ve been banished.” Crimthan: “well it’s a good job we dealt with them then.” Guard: “did you murder them?” Crimthan: “no, we dealt with them. In your god’s name.”

Indiana attempted to swing in through the cathedral window and swung into the wall. She climbed in through the window and looked around. In hindsight, searching for a way to open the portcullis might have been more beneficial. The guards still refused to allow the others in, despite Lord Wolfy suggesting their monarch would love our theatre performance, so Indiana suggested setting fire to the child’s corpse and throwing it over the wall as a distraction. Lord Wolfy thought it would be a good idea to kill everyone in the slums and pile their corpses against the wall to climb over. Vena: “stop killing people!”

Will Indiana be caught in the cathedral? Will Vena, Lord Wolfy and Crimthan get beyond the city walls? Will Cassiel and Frank escape the crypt? And will DM ever recover his broken sanity? Only the dice knows.

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