Crypt Keepers

We may have finally escaped Fuck Mountain, however, its curse hangs over us and we remain the most incompetent D & D players probably in history. But then, you expected that, right? February is apparently DM appreciation month and a site listed a load of things D & Ders could do to show their appreciation. Surprisingly, Tom didn’t write it. One included dressing as your character, which we already do. Another suggested making a crown or sash for your DM and making them wear it. So between bathing the iguana and waiting for the rugby to start, we found some black card and silver and gold pens and we made Tom a crown. And yes, he wore it throughout.

All hail King God

All hail King God

We had three NPCs (non-playing characters) join us – Bryn, Kae and Brad. And Bryn brought Samurai swords. So we started proceedings with a group photo, with us, Jordan and Bryn brandishing weapons and looking more like a troop of serial killers than friends playing a role playing game. Here’s a reminder of who we are:

Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, neutrally lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Casiel, ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully good cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

The story so far: Escape from Fuck Mountain

We started by checking the map to see where we needed to go and were attracted to a vault inside a crypt, which looked to be about a day’s journey away. We judged this on the fact it took us three days to get off Fuck Mountain. Crimthan and Indiana decided to steal a wagon. Preferably the wagon containing the money for the orphanage. Lord Wolfy was in on the plan. We tried persuading Frank, who was reminded that his god was not pleased with him for the orphan death. Lord Wolfy, Indiana and Crimthan tried persuading Frank to change his alliance to evil. Also being of the religious persuasion, Crimthan pointed out that he serves a god, it’s just that his is a dark god. After wrestling with his conscience, Frank declined to help. So Crimthan and Indiana found a cart laden with corpses that was heading for the crypts and offered their services as guards in exchange for a ride. We then had to persuade the others to join us so told Frank his god wanted him to ride with the corpse of his victim as penance. Guilt tripping is a marvellous invention.

We killed time buying weapons and mocking Frank and Casiel for the fact they had no gold for the shop. Because we’d stolen it in the last play. When midday rolled around, we made our way to the wagon, only to encounter an old woman (Kae) near the bridge. She had bags of shopping and shiny objects. Lord Wolfy and Indiana concocted a plan to murder the old woman and rob her corpse and asked Frank to distract her so Indiana could use her sneak attack skills. Indiana told Frank the old woman was a witch and the shiny object in her hand was a dagger, that she planned to kill our party with. The DM reminded Frank that despite the number of deaths he had caused, he was lawfully good and participating in the murder and robbery of an old woman wouldn’t win him any favours with his god. So Crimthan stepped in to help. Lord Wolfy then bought favours (no, not that kind) off Casiel, Crimthan, Indiana and Vena and called in his favour to Vena to make her use a daze spell on the old woman. In the meantime, Casiel had offered to help the old woman and took her shopping bags. Vena dazed the woman, Indiana failed in her sneak attack so Lord Wolfy butchered the woman with his scythe. Then Indiana robbed her and she and Crimthan ran off to the wagon. It turned out, the old woman did have a dagger. Frank failed to heal her and left her to bleed to death while she cursed us all. Despite being good, Frank has caused more deaths than the two evil characters combined.

Lord Wolfy called in his favours to Crimthan and Indiana, forcing them to surrender all their gold to him, which he then passed on to one of the guards (Brad). So Indiana robbed the guard. We finally made it to the crypt and sent Vena in to open the vault with her spells. The guards (Bryn and Brad) carried the corpses in and before we could get into the vault, the corpses became the living dead and attacked the guards, turning them into zombies. Crimthan attacked them, slicing off an arm. Vena partially melted one. Indiana heroically tripped and fell into one then got bitten. Between the six of us, we finally managed to defeat the two zombies and headed into the vaults. Lord Wolfy stayed outside. Crimthan went first and triggered a trap, getting shot by arrows. Indiana searched for other traps but failed to find them so sent Frank on ahead, just in case.

After a long debate about whether we should or should not open sarcophagi to check for treasure, we passed through some more rooms. Vena and Indiana spotted a small chest, which Frank and Crimthan didn’t see as they were busy staring at the walls. Indiana stumbled getting to the chest so Vena opened it. And released a purple light that infiltrated everyone in the room, turning Vena, Casiel and Frank evil (it was just a matter of time really), and making Crimthan and Indiana even more evil. Safe outside, Lord Wolfy was unaffected. Vena found an amulet at the bottom of the chest. It will no doubt get stolen the next time we meet.


  1. I think pretty much every group thinks that they’re the worst group ever. I once saw a meme where it said most D&D groups start out looking like the Fellowship of the Rings and end up looking like Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

    I feel for Frank. He’s going to need to get himself a new god now.

    • LOL! We will definitely end up like Monty Python. Our DM has engineered an accident, so Frank and Casiel are now evil. It was only a matter of time really. You can’t go round accidentally killing orphans and stay good 😀

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