Gimpic Funland

This weekend, as an extended celebration of Ryan’s birthday, we went to stay with his mum in Pembrokeshire. She’d planned a weekend of fun and we had no idea what it was so dressed accordingly for anything. PVC and chains. You can’t go wrong with that. Well…the chains might not have been a great idea but nobody died so it worked out ok. Turned out, the fun was to take place in Heatherton Adventure Park, which will hereby be known as Gimpic Funland.  Yes they had most of the events we’d done for the Summer Gimpics – archery, shooting and as a substitute for sumo wrestling, they had body zorbing. So this summer, we will return with other Gimpians and take over the park.

Heatherton, Gimpics

note the oversized overalls

First up was go-karting. Ryan was at a distinct advantage, having watched F1 all his life so he knew about things like race line and cornering, and he plays a lot of racing games. We were going for fun, taking tight corners and using the corners to their maximum curvyness, trying to see if the karts would tip like our Renault 4s. They don’t. First up though – the overalls. We could’ve both fitted inside them and had room for cake. We were like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man after he’d been burst. Not cool. We had to have cut off ones that billowed like sails as we walked. Then we saw the carts. Every adult who used them had their knees bent right up. We estimated the gap between the pedal and the seat was our leg length fully extended.Heatherton, go-karting, Gimpics We were right. In fact, we had to sit forwards on the seat to be able to press the pedals down. But we refused to use children’s carts. It is demeaning enough being us. So Ryan lapped us and Cat came within inches of running him off the road as a result of this.

Heatherton, Gimpics

filthy land lubbers

The next event was Pirate pitch and putt. The course was amazing, with streams, cannons and a shipwrecked boat. We each got a hole in one, much to our surprise because we gave crap a bad name out there. And in keeping with the pirate theme, swore like sailors all the way around the course. Yes there were children there. No we’re not sorry. Pirates don’t apologise.

Following this was lunch then archery. We used the adult bows. Big mistake. They were bigger than us. We’re not kidding. We’re 5’1. The bows were 5’4 long. Heatherton, archery, GimpicsPride refused to allow us to use the children’s bows. Though actually, the guy running it didn’t even suggest it.  And we didn’t have our glasses with us so focusing on the 30ft distance to the target was…challenging. There were 10ft targets but children and pussies used those. Lynx who was terrible in practise, won with 14 points. Cat who was good in practise lost with a crappy 3 points. Not only were the bows comically oversized, they were heavy, so by the time it came to the actual shooting, our arms were shaking with the effort. Clearly we needed more Red Bull.

Heatherton, body zorbing, GimpicsThe next event was body zorbing. This was the most dangerous, fun event of the day. Basically, the top half of your body is in a big inflatable ball, leaving your legs free to run. And the object is to slam into each other and knock each other over. One problem – he gave us adult zorbs. Everyone else’s zorbs came down to below their arses. Ours came down to our knees. So when we were down, we couldn’t get back up. And these things were heavy. We could barely walk in them. Imagine being trapped inside a big medicine ball. That was us. We bounced and rolled like pros. Kids were waiting to come in but the guy refused to let them in with us three, we were that dangerous.  It was like having our own special Gimpic ring. And we were the only 3 going around the go-kart track. It’s like they knew this was a preliminary Gimpics. Cat picked up injury to her bad knee, bruising the old operation scars but you can’t have the Gimpics without injury.

We then moved on to pistol shooting. The tiny targets at 20ft away proved impossible to see without our glasses. And no one told us how to aim the damn thing. For people who’ve never fired guns, we didn’t know you had to line the sight up with the gap at the back of the gun. Ryan only decided to tell us halfway through. So we were embarrassingly crap. Cat hit the target 11 times, scoring 23 points, Lynx hit it 16 times, scoring 38 points and Ryan hit it 23 times, scoring 52.

We’re going to have to get into training for the Summer Gimpics, maybe do more weight training to compensate for the heavy equipment. They also had water zorbing there but we ran out of credits, but we can see that being a fun Gimpic event. But they really need to have equipment designed for small adults. For a start, they need women’s overalls for the go-karting and they need slightly smaller bows for the archery. We’re too big for most kid stuff and frankly, as adults, having to use child equipment is demeaning. They need in between sizes, like for adolescents. Ryan’s mum is the same height as us so would have the same problem. There are tiny women out there people and we demand proper size equipment.

We spent the evening in Tenby – for those who don’t know about the fun time we spent in Tenby last time with chavs shouting out how appreciative they were of our uniqueness, you can read about it here. Last night they were just as welcoming. One guy muttered ‘Goths’ as we walked past. We were so grateful, all these years we couldn’t work out why we dress like we do and this guy has opened our eyes. Thank you, kind man, we’re no longer ignorant. Someone else said “are they going to a funeral?” No. We wear skirts and dress smart for funerals. The rest of the people just gawped. We got a smile from a young, good looking policeman but it was probably out of sympathetic pity for the welcome we were about to receive. We will make it our mission to avoid Tenby in future. They’re just not ready for us.

This summer, the Gimpics will be going to Heatherton. So lock away your kids. This is going to get dangerous.