Winter Gimpics

Winter GimpicsIn the summer we were so inspired by the Olympics, we decided to host our own. The Gimpic Games. Basically, the Olympics for idiots. The only rule of the Gimpics – there ARE no rules. Cheating, sabotage and blatant disregard for safety were not frowned upon. In fact, they were actively encouraged. In the Gimpics, there are no medals for coming second or third. Winning is the only thing that counts. The summer events included sand dune sledging, sand wrestling in inflatable sumo suits, archery with children’s archery set and Nerf shooting. This weekend, it snowed. And so began the Winter Gimpics.

And this time, it’s dangerous.

Castell Coch Winter GimpicsSledging was naturally going to be the first event. But the M4 was closed so the sand dunes would sadly not be featuring in the Winter Gimpics. Caerphilly Mountain was also closed. It seemed the Government had heard of our sporting endeavours and was trying to sabotage them. They can keep their health and safety rules. We have medals. As we saw swarms of families and teenagers heading up Rhiwbina Hill, where we were planning on competing, we decided we needed a new slope. Castell Coch provided us with the perfect one. There’s a steep incline up to the castle and due to the snow, they’d closed it. What was even better, was we were alone. So the contestants from Kingdom of the Blood Skulls (Lynx), the Pirate Islands (Cat), Jerkuania (Ryan), enthusiastic newcomer, United States of Lesbonia (Neen) and official Gimpic mascot, Meg, (Neen’s gorgeous Border Collie) traipsed to the top of the slope.  It was fun. There were spills, tumbles, collisions and snow. Then we discovered that the end of the slope was not only the fastest, it had a tight curve you had to negotiate. There were more crashes than banger racing and after running the contestant from Jerkuania off the track, the contestant from the Pirate Islands was crowned the winner, winning her first ever Gimpic medal. The contestant from Jerkuania called for drugs testing. The can of Red Bull found at the scene wasn’t enough evidence for a conviction.Neen from the United States of Lesbonia, face planting

Winter Gimpics

the contestant from the Pirate Islands takes out Jerkuania

The next day, the snow had hardened into slippery ice. So we returned to the slope, minus the contestant from Jerkuania who was feeling rather precious after ignoring Government advice to stay indoors and embarked on a night of heavy drinking. But the Gimpics obliterate the weak and feeble. There were medals at stake. The contestants from KBS, PI and USB abandoned the higher, safer part of the slope and raced on the lower, faster, more dangerous one with the curve. This time we were racing three abreast and were without the voice of caution that usually comes from Jerkuania. Dangerous doesn’t quite describe this high speed event. With three of us racing and the ice causing steering problems, there were collisions aplenty, with contestants ending up sledging off-road, into bushes, over rocks and having to avoid the mascot, who seemed to be working against KBS. The only way to brake was to put your hands on the floor. And there was only one way to stop – smash into the gate at the bottom.

Winter Gimpics

our track

Only the strong and the foolish compete in the Winter Gimpics.

Winter Gimpics

the contestant from the Kingdom of the Blood Skulls

In fact, the event was so jaw dropping, a group of spectators gathered behind the gates to watch us nearly kill ourselves. This kind of behaviour is usually only seen in teenage boys, not 3 29 year old women. The spectators must’ve thought we were extreme sports enthusiasts. Nope. We’re just gimps with sledges. After the exhilarating thrill of travelling at high speeds with no way to control or stop the sledge, there was only one way to crank up the danger.

Go down head first.

Winter Gimpics

this is how we stop

Seeing the gate hurtling towards our faces was terrifying. As was being unable to get out of other contestants way, leading to a few crash landings. There were injuries aplenty – Neen smacked her face on the gate in a new Facial Features Braking System test. Cat smacked her knuckles on a hidden rock, had friction burn on her arse from sliding along exposed tarmac, bruised her knees and developed a swelling on her elbow from the tarmac. A total of 10 bruises were later found on her. Lynx came out of the sledge more times than any other contestant and picked up a grand total of NO injuries. The other contestants are calling for drugs testing.

We now plan to go ice skating. Neen is a roller derby girl (Go Tiger Bay Brawlers!) and is bound to win. We haven’t been ice skating for over 15 years. We fully expect tumbles, broken bones and gashes from the skates. And that’s just from fighting over who goes first!

We asked Magic 8 Ball if we would finish the Winter Gimpics alive? Its response? “My sources say no.”

Winter Gimpians

Winter Gimpians

2 Comments

  1. You are raven mad.


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