Welcome Lacey Wolfe

We are thrilled to welcome the lovely Lacey Wolfe to Ravens’ Retreat. Lacey is the author of Amber’s Muse, a brilliant erotic novella about Amber, an erotic author who needs a muse for her steamy love scenes and finds a willing guinea pig in her hunky neighbour, Jax. Her second novella, Fool Me Once, is out now. It is the first in her Hot Bod series and she’ll interviewing the main characters, Skylar and Drew, here today. If you’d like to win a copy of Fool Me Once, leave a comment with your email address for a chance to win one.

*Whipping dust sheet off the chair* we’re not used to having guests. *Moving stacks of magazines to the floor and breaking out the best biscuits.* Sit down, Lacey, Drew and Skylar and welcome to Ravens Retreat. Have a biscuit.

 

Lacey: Thank you so much for having us here today. I’m really glad that Skylar and Drew have taken time out of their lives to let me interview them.

Skylar: I don’t mind, today was boot camp day. That day is starting to become my least favorite at Hot Bods Gym.

Drew: Anytime I’m out of the office is a good day in my book.

Lacey: So tell me Drew, has Skylar forgiven you yet for leaving her alone after that hot weekend and never calling?

Drew: **Rolls eyes at Lacey** Did you really have to bring that up? I hope **turns to Skylar** that she has. I think I’ve done everything I could to show her just how much I love her and I never want to hurt her again.

Skylar: **Squeezes his hand** You have.

Drew: Good. **Gives her a light kiss on the cheek**

Lacey: Okay, let’s cut that out. I know exactly where one simple kiss between you two can lead. Are there any plans in the future to moving in together?

Skylar: We’ve talked about it, but I’m not sure. I don’t want to leave my BFF Amy hanging. She has had no luck finding Mr. Right. Hopefully she does soon though. But for now, we just have sleepovers and it seems to be working. We get alone time when we need it. We have our entire lives to figure out a wedding date and all that other stuff.

Lacey: So, is it official yet?

Drew and Skylar: Maybe

Lacey: I think it takes a special man to be able to deal with your feistiness Skylar. Is Drew the one who can?

Skylar: God, he better. We’ve been through way too much for him to not. Don’t you think Lacey?

Lacey: Oh yeah. Drew you better not ditch and run again.

Drew: That is the last thing on my mind.

Skylar: It better be!

Lacey: Does Francesca still come to Hot Bods?

Skylar: Really Lacey, you have to bring her up? **Rolls eyes** Yes she does. But we keep our distance. I suppose when your under contract with a gym it isn’t exactly simple to just find a new one. She hasn’t taken any of my classes. She is typically in the cardio area when I see her.

Lacey: Do you see her Drew?

Drew: Uh…not on purpose. She is a nice girl, really. Just needs a little guidance.

Skylar: You’re not the one to be giving it to her.

Drew: I know. Lacey, can we change the subject to something else?

Lacey: Sure. Sorry about putting you in the hot seat. How about we get this over by you telling me what your favorite thing about the other one is. Drew, you first.

Drew: I love everything about Skylar. She’s perfect. She is beautiful, speaks her mind—even when its directed toward me. Skylar will help any friend in need. And for whatever reason, she puts up with me and loves me. I couldn’t ask for a better partner in life.

Skylar: Awe, you’re so sweet. My favorite thing about Drew is his c—, oh sorry that might be inappropriate. My favorite thing is that he always makes me feel special and like I’m the only one who matters.

Lacey: I can see by the way you two are looking at one another; you are more than ready to get out of here. So, I won’t keep you love birds. Thank you so much however for taking the time to chat with me.

Skylar: Anytime Lacey! Without you, we wouldn’t have our happily ever after.

 

Fool Me Once (Hot Bods, #1) by Lacey Wolfe

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…

Drew is the last person Skylar wanted to see across from her at a local bar. A month ago he’d wined and dined her all weekend, leaving her feeling fully in love, but then she awoke alone in an empty hotel room and she hadn’t heard from him since.

The weekend Drew spent with Skylar was phenomenal. There had never been anyone who made him feel as complete as she did. He shouldn’t have disappeared, he should have called, but his feelings for her scared him, so he distanced himself. But when he saw her again, he knew he couldn’t stay away any longer.

Skylar’s determined not to give Drew another chance to hurt her, but he’s just as determined to win her back. Although it won’t be easy, he’s up to the challenge, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish his goal.

Content Warning: Explicit Sex

Amazon / Nook / BeachwalkPress_AllRomance / Bookstrand

www.laceywolfe.com

 

Losing It

We’re not going to bore you by moaning about what crappy lives we’ve had – trust us, they’ve been crappy – because this isn’t The Jeremy Kyle Show. We wouldn’t get invited on there anyway – we’re not Chavs who have no idea who the baby’s daddy is. Anyhoo, we wear our scars with pride because they show we’ve survived. And no matter how bad it’s got, how much into the darkness we’ve gone, there’s always been one thing that’s kept us sane. Relatively sane. Fine, out of the asylums. One thing that’s helped us to escape the torment of our minds and turn our Darkshines into a creative place where for that brief moment, the pain goes away. It’s our writing. Our writing is the only part of us we’ve ever believed in. The only part we’ve ever truly liked. Even when we got nothing but rejections we always had the belief one day we’d make it. That our writing was good enough. It was just a matter of time. Someone who would see in it what we did. Wow. It’s a lot like our dating history. No wait, that’s worse. We’ve at least got stories published. But we never gave up. Never stopped writing. Never lost faith.

Until now.

It’s gone.

And we don’t know if it will ever come back.

We write all day, every day. We don’t take days off, we don’t have holidays. We love it. To most people a job is just a job. Not to us. Writing isn’t what we do, it’s what we ARE. We’re so entwined with it that without it, we have nothing. We ARE nothing. We haven’t had an acceptance since…June. Since then it’s been nothing but rejection after rejection after rejection. Normally we shrug, note it down then send the story somewhere else. But now…we no longer believe in our work. What if all along, they were right? What if their ‘I enjoyed reading it but it’s not right for us and we hope you keep writing’ was just a polite way of saying ‘you’re crap now fuck off and stop wasting our time when we could be reading stuff by talented people.’ We’re still desperate to succeed. We just don’t think we will any more. We’re not good enough. Maybe we never were. And now we’ve lost faith in the only thing we ever believed in. We use self deprecating humour all the time, we love it, it’s who we are but we’ve never mocked our writing. We’ve never slated it, never hated it. Just continued writing, waiting for that day when someone says ‘you were right. You’re geniuses.’ Ok they’d never say that but we can dream. We can quote the authors who’ve been rejected countless times. Stephen King could paper his walls with his rejections. Gone with the Wind was rejected nearly 40 times. Lord of the Flies was rejected 20 times. We know the saying “the only difference between published writers and non published writers is non published ones give up’ and we’ve always felt there’s a terrible tragedy of those who give up their dreams and go and have normal jobs. But what if there comes a time when you have to realise you’re not going to make it? That your dreams are just fantasies that will never become reality?

Where our believe was is now a big black hole of nothing.

In Criminal Minds Spencer Reid said “sometimes, for an artist, the only difference between insanity and genius, is success.”

 

We Wish you a Bloody Christmas

We wish you a bloody Christams

We wish you a bloody Christmas; 

We wish you a bloody Christmas;

We wish you a bloody Christmas and a crappy New Year.

Severed heads we bring as we slay your kin;

Severed heads for Christmas and a crappy New Year.

 

Oh, bring us the head of Santa;

Oh, bring us the head of Santa;

Oh, bring us the head of Santa and a cup of elves’ blood

 

 

We won’t go until we get some; 

We won’t go until we get some; 

We won’t go until we get some, so drain those elves here

 

We wish you a bloody Christmas;

We wish you a bloody Christmas;

We wish you a bloody Christmas and a crappy New Year.

 

Jingle Bells

Santa’s feeling blue,

the reindeer are on strike,

they told Santa to

“take a fucking hike!”

 

Santa swore and screamed,

he was steaming drunk

then he hit on the elf girls

‘cos he thinks he’s a hunk.

 

Jingle bells, jingle bells,

Santa’s crashed again.

He got another DUI

and blamed it on green men.

Oh jingle bells, jingle bells,

the cops took him away.

They slapped the cuffs on that old git

a hefty fine he had to pay.

 

Santa tried to flee

from the sleigh’s crash site.

“You can’t do this to me!

Not on Christmas night!

I’ll be taking names,

put you on my naughty list.”

Then he tackled the copper

stole the watch right off his wrist.

 

Jingle bells, jingle bells,

the aliens began to sob.

They were mad at Santa’s ways

then punched him in the gob.

Oh jingle bells, jingle bells,

Santa poked him in the eyes

he kicked him in the candy cane,

brought tears to his eyes.

 

Jingle bells, jingle bells,

Santa tied them with a bow.

He made off in the cop car

shouting “yo ho ho ho ho!”

Bieber Fever

Bieber, All I Want for Christmas is you

I don’t want a lot for Christmas,

there’s just one thing I need.

To see that twat Justin Bieber

hanging from the Christmas tree.

I just want his severed head,

more than you could ever know.

Make my wish come true,

Bieber all I want for Christmas is you.

 

I don’t want a lot for Christmas,

there is just one thing I need.

To see that twat Justin Bieber

squashed beneath the Christmas tree.

I will choke him with my stocking,

push him in the fireplace.

His screaming will make me happy

with his death on Christmas day.

I just want his beating heart,

more than you could ever know.

Make my wish come true,

All I want for Christmas is you, Bieber.

 

I won’t ask for much this Christmas,

I won’t even wish for snow.

I’m just gonna torture Bieber,

poison him with mistletoe.

I will make a list and send it

to Hell’s dark pits for Old Nick.

I will even stay awake to

hear the poison make him sick.

I just want him hog tied tonight,

*wrapping festive ribbons tight*

What more can I do?

Bieber all I want for Christmas is you .

 

His crazed fans are crying,

there’s tears everywhere

And the sound of wicked

Laughter fills the air.

And Bieber is swinging

His death song I am singing.

Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need?

Won’t you please bring that Bieber to me?

 

Oh, I don’t want a lot for Christmas,

this is all I’m asking for.

I just want to see that Bieber

Gunned down right outside my door.

Oh I just want his butchered limbs,

more than you could ever know.

Make my wish come true

Bieber all I want for Christmas is you.

 

All I want for Christmas is you Bieber.

All I want for Christmas is you Bieber.

Winter Murderland

Winter Murderland

Death tolls ring, are you listening,

In the lane, blood is glistening

A macabre sight,

We’re frightened tonight.

Walking in a winter murderland.

 

Gone away are the good souls,

Here to stay are the bad souls

We sing a rock song,

As we go along,

Walking in a winter murderland.

 

In the graveyard we can build a snowman,

Then pretend that he killed Parson Brown

He’ll say: Is he dead yet?

We’ll say: No man,

But you can do the job

When you’re in town.

 

Later on, we’ll conspire,

To execute him by fire

To face unafraid,

The plots that we’ve made,

Walking in a winter murderland.

 

In the graveyard we can build a snowman,

And pretend he killed a circus clown

We’ll have lots of fun with mister snowman,

Until the judge demands to “send him down!”

 

When he kills, ain’t it thrilling,

Though your soul gets a chilling

We’ll frolic and play,

the murderous way,

Walking in a winter murderland.

 

Hark the Herald Angels Sing

Hark the herald angels sing

“Glory to Red Bull our King!

Best on earth, you drive us wild.

All other drinks are reviled.”

Joyful, all ye Red Bulls rise

You awake our tired eyes.

With the angelic host proclaim:

“Hail Red Bull and worship him.

“Hark! The herald angels sing

“Glory to Red Bull our King!”

 

Christ Red Bull you are adored

RB the everlasting Lord!

Open the fridge and you will come

To fill our lives with sweetest fun

Colourful flesh we worship thee

Hail the Red Bull Deity

In a cold fridge you do dwell

Without you our lives are hell.

Hark! The herald angels sing

“Glory to Red Bull our King!”

 

Hail the fridge-born Prince of Peace!

Hail the can of Righteousness!

Light and life to all He brings

Oh Red Bull you give us wings

Mild He lays His glory by

Without Red Bull we will die

Born to wake those on earth

Born to give us what we deserve.

Hark! The herald angels sing

“Glory to Red Bull our King!”

Jingle Bells

Jingle Bells

Hiding in the dark

spying on Wentworth today,

we gave his tush a tweak,

laughing all the way. (Mwa ha ha)

A big net we did bring,

his eyes did shine so bright.

What fun it is to laugh and sing

A stalking song tonight

 

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells

Screaming all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

with the hunk we caught today.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Screaming all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

with the hunk we caught today.

 

A day or two ago

We thought we’d take a ride

And soon Wentworth Miller

Was tied up by our side.

He was a muscley hunk,

This god is well fit,

We did a moonlight bunk,

Then the cops came, oh shit!

 

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells

Screaming all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

with the hunk we caught today.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Screaming all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

with the hunk we caught today.

 

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells

Screaming all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

with the hunk we caught today.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Screaming all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

with the hunk we caught today

 

Last Christmas

Last Christmas

I met a zombie.

But the very next day

he’s back in his grave.

This yearto save me from tears

I’m finding a necromancer.

 

Once bitten by my guy.

I kept my distance

But he still caught my eye

Tell me zombie,

do you recognise me?

Well it’s been a year

it doesn’t surprise me.

I got a necromancer

to raise you, saying “I love you”

I meant it.

Now I know how hasty I’ve been.

But if you kissed me now

I’d let you bite me again.

 

[Chorus]

 

A crowded room

he has bloodshot eyes.

I’m hiding from you

And your hands of ice.

Zombie I thought you were

going to turn me.

Me?

I’m just in love with a zombie.

 

A face on a lover with fear of fire in his heart.

A man under the earth but you tore me apart.

Now we’ve found a real love I’ll never speed date again.

 

[Chorus 2x]

 

A face on a lover fear of a fire in his heart

A man under the earth but you tore me apart

Maybe next year I’ll find you some brains.

I’ll give you my necromancer.

12 days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Bieber hung from a tree. 

 

On the second day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Two skeletons, 

And Bieber hung from a tree. 

 

On the third day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Three skull rings, 

Two skeletons, 

And Bieber hung from a tree. 

 

On the fourth day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Four motorbikes, 

Three skull rings, 

Two skeletons, 

And Bieber hung from a tree. 

 

On the fifth day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Five Renault 4s, 

Four motorbikes, 

Three skull rings, 

Two skeletons, 

And Bieber hung from a tree. 

 

On the sixth day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Six pumpkins glowing, 

Five Renault 4s, 

Four motorbikes, 

Three skull rings, 

Two skeletons, 

And Bieber hung from a tree. 

 

On the seventh day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Seven hand-made coffins, 

Six pumpkins glowing, 

Five Renault 4s, 

Four motorbikes, 

Three skull rings, 

Two skeletons, 

And Bieber hung from a tree. 

 

On the eighth day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Eight Chippendales, 

Seven hand-made coffins, 

Six pumpkins glowing, 

Five Renault 4s, 

Four motorbikes, 

Three skull rings, 

Two skeletons, 

And Bieber hung from a tree. 

 

On the ninth day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Nine grave diggers, 

Eight Chippendales, 

Seven hand-made coffins, 

Six pumpkins glowing, 

Five Renault 4s, 

Four motorbikes, 

Three skull rings, 

Two skeletons, 

And Bieber hung from a tree. 

 

On the tenth day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Ten firemen stripping, 

Nine grave diggers, 

Eight Chippendales, 

Seven hand-made coffins, 

Six pumpkins glowing, 

Five Renault 4s, 

Four motorbikes, 

Three skull rings, 

Two skeletons, 

And Bieber hung from a tree. 

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Eleven soldiers handsome, 

Ten firemen stripping, 

Nine grave diggers, 

Eight Chippendales, 

Seven hand-made coffins, 

Six pumpkins glowing, 

Five Renault 4s, 

Four motorbikes, 

Three skull rings, 

Two skeletons, 

And Bieber hung from a tree. 

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas, 

Wentworth sent to me 

Twelve giant Red Bulls, 

Eleven soldiers handsome, 

Ten firemen stripping, 

Nine grave diggers, 

Eight Chippendales, 

Seven hand-made coffins, 

Six pumpkins glowing, 

Five Renault 4s, 

Four motorbikes, 

Three skull rings, 

Two skeletons, 

And Bieber hung from a tree!

Halloween on Christmas

We’re Going to Halloweentown (Santa Claus is coming to town)

Go to the woods,

Find the right tree,

Follow Zero

Into Halloween.

We’re going to Halloweentown.

 

We’ll meet up with Sally,

And hang out with Jack.

We’ll help get his Halloween love back.

We’re going to Halloweentown

 

 

Jack Skellington’s the greatest,

’Cos he’s the Pumpkin King.

Oogie Boogie likes to gamble

And watch Sandy scream and swing!

 

Go to the woods,

Find the right tree,

Follow Zero

Into Halloween.

We’re going to Halloweentown.

We’re going to Halloweentown.

 

Scarytale in New York

It was Halloween,

In the graveyard.

The dead certainly won’t see another one.

Then they sang a song,

“The rare of Devil’s Brew”

I turned my face away

And dreamed about you.

I met a fanged one,

Beneath the dying sun.

I’ve got a feeling

This year’s for me and you.

So happy Halloween,

In the graveyard.

I can see a darker time

When all our plans come true.

 

He’s got souls

hung on poles

He’s got rivers of gold,

But the screams go right through you,

It’s no place for the old.

When he first bit my neck

On a cold Halloween,

He promised eternity waited for me.

He was handsome,

I ain’t pretty,

Queen of the damned city,

When the blood finished flowing

He cried out for more.

Prisoners were swinging,

The vampires were singing.

We kissed on the corner

And then killed through the night.

The familiars of the vampire choir

Were singing ‘Ieroween’

And the pumpkins were glowing on this Halloween.

 

He’s evil,

I’m a punk,

Devil’s wasted on junk

Lying there almost dead on a drip in his bed.

“You’re a cheap, lousy tart.”

“I wanna rip out your heart.

Happy Halloween you arse

Hope it ain’t our last.”

The familiars of the vampire choir

Were singing ‘Ieroween’

And the pumpkins were glowing on this Halloween.

 

I murdered someone.

Well so could anyone.

He stole my soul from me

When he first found me.

“I kept it with me, queen.

I put it with my own.

Can’t rule Hell all alone.

I’ve built my realm around you.”

The familiars of the vampire choir

Were singing ‘Ieroween’

And the pumpkins were glowing on this Halloween.

Deck the Halls

Merry Christmas Everybody

Are you hanging up your hit list on your wall?

It’s the time that Assassins have a ball.

Will he use a sniper rifle?

Have you got ten grand to pay?

Will he have the job completed in a day?

 

So here he is,

on your hit list,

Everybody grab a gun.

He’s got no future now,

the countdown’s just begun.

 

Are you waiting for your victim to arrive?

Are you sure you’ve got the arsenic inside?

Do you have a second option?

Just in case the sod escapes,

Just make sure the binds are tight enough to chafe.

 

So here he is,

on your hit list,

the tasers only stun.

He’s got no future now,

the countdown’s just begun.

 

Are you hanging up your hit list on your wall?

Are you hoping the bullets will to start to fall?

Do you take him to a hillside

to a deep grave you have made?

When you chop off his head then he’s been slayed.

 

So here he is,

on your hit list,

he’s got nowhere to run.

He’s got no future now,

the countdown’s just begun.

 

Deck the Halls

Deck Barbie’s halls with poisoned holly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Killing season is so jolly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

 

Don we now our aprons plastic,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Let’s go melt the fake tantastic,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

 

See the blazing doll before us,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Strike the match and join the chorus.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

 

Give a dose of fatal measure,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

And indulge in deadly pleasure,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

 

Cut away her blondie tresses,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Make Ken wear her pretty dresses,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

 

Tie them up all burn together,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Sacrifice them for good weather,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

 

A lot of Barbie’s are mistreated at Christmas time. Our songs bring the suffering of Barbies to peoples’ attention. Torment a Barbie for life, not just for Christmas 😀

Hymn Hallelujah!

A Slay in a Manger

A slay in a manger,

A coffin for a bed

The sweet Jason Voorhees

Chopped off someone’s head.

 

The stars in the bright sky

Looked where bodies lay

At the three wise men

All slain on the hay.

 

The pumpkins are glowing

The heads he will take

But sweet Jason Voorhees

Forgot to buy stakes.

 

And now Freddy Krueger

That nightmarish guy

Stay out of my head space,

The morning is nigh.

 

Be near me, Van Helsing,

I want you to slay

Some vampires forever

Til Blade comes to play.

 

Bless those in Halloweentown,

In Jack’s tender care

And take us to Jack’s place

To live with him there.

 

Oh Come All Ye Red Bulls

O Come All Ye Red Bulls,

tasty and triumphant,

O come ye, O come ye to my mouth.

Come and awake me,

Born the King of cold drinks;

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

Red Bull the Lord.

 

O Sing, choirs of Red Bulls,

Sing in fizzy goodness,

Sing and we will obey your every word.

Give to our Red Bull glory in the Highest;

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

Red Bull the Lord.

 

All Hail! RB, we greet Thee,

Drunk this happy morning,

O Red Bull! for evermore you will be adored.

Word of the Red Bull, now in can appearing;

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

Red Bull the Lord.

 

What a coinkidink, we’re drinking a Red Bull right this second. Mmmmmmm Red Bull the Lord!