All I want to do is eat their brains

Hey moreish brains it’s Scott here! Man it’s been AGES since those stingy Necromancers let me blog. Yeah like their lives are so wonderful. My life is far more exciting. Are they out hiding in bushes like a pervert and bludgeoning people as they amble by? No! Ok so they’ve got a new guinea pig but I’ve got a new brain saw. It’s lighter and I’ve covered it in Halloween stickers, smiley faces and positive messages, like ‘I’m interested in your brain, not your body.’ They named the piggy Pirate ‘cos he’s got a black eye patch. I wanted him to be called Scott. They refused. Some people are so unreasonable. They’ve sent my short story off so hopefully it will be accepted. All I want is to be famous, to have my own comic, merchandise, chat show, number one album, film, kitchen range. It’s not unreasonable. I’d like to enjoy my fame whilst I’m still hot. No-one wants the press snapping photos of them when their skin’s falling off, their limbs don’t stay on like they used to and suspicious gunk is leaking out of places. It’s embarrassing. I’m trying to turn zombies into sexy creatures, the way vampires have been. What’s so great about vampires? Sure they live forever without rotting , but so do rocks.

My Necromancers have got themselves a guide on self publishing. I want my novel out there before the zombie apocalypse so they’d better get a move on. There’s only so long a guy can keep his promise not to kill them and eat their brains. Every time they write a new Red Bull song their synapses sparkle like a stripper’s diamanté g string under hot lights. I’m only a zombie, I can’t resist that level of temptation. Their brains are just wanton teases, practically hoisting up their PVC skirts to flash me their fishnet stockings. So sexy…

As for my cookbook, that’s ground to a halt. Soon as I’ve signed off here, I’m going to hit my Necromancers with a rolling pin. Nothing says “get back to work!” like a bash on the skull with a rolling pin.

Scott xx

4 Comments

  1. That’s okay, Scott. Antoine wanted them to name the hamster Ratboy but they refused (a hamster is just a rat with a cuter outfit). You and Antoine just need to remember these little outrages come the revolution or apocolypse or Octoberfest…whatever comes first…

    • I will definitely remember all their slights against me, Lisa! I’ve been chatting to my Necromancers and they’ve agreed that in the next redraft of the book, I’m allowed to have a sock monkey. Perhaps I could call him Antoine. We could get up to such mischief together 😉

      Scott x

  2. 😉 Indecision and delays are the parents of failure. George Canning

    • that is so true. I’ll remind my Necromancers of this
      Scott x


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