All I want to do is eat their brains

Hey moreish brains it’s Scott here! Man it’s been AGES since those stingy Necromancers let me blog. Yeah like their lives are so wonderful. My life is far more exciting. Are they out hiding in bushes like a pervert and bludgeoning people as they amble by? No! Ok so they’ve got a new guinea pig but I’ve got a new brain saw. It’s lighter and I’ve covered it in Halloween stickers, smiley faces and positive messages, like ‘I’m interested in your brain, not your body.’ They named the piggy Pirate ‘cos he’s got a black eye patch. I wanted him to be called Scott. They refused. Some people are so unreasonable. They’ve sent my short story off so hopefully it will be accepted. All I want is to be famous, to have my own comic, merchandise, chat show, number one album, film, kitchen range. It’s not unreasonable. I’d like to enjoy my fame whilst I’m still hot. No-one wants the press snapping photos of them when their skin’s falling off, their limbs don’t stay on like they used to and suspicious gunk is leaking out of places. It’s embarrassing. I’m trying to turn zombies into sexy creatures, the way vampires have been. What’s so great about vampires? Sure they live forever without rotting , but so do rocks.

My Necromancers have got themselves a guide on self publishing. I want my novel out there before the zombie apocalypse so they’d better get a move on. There’s only so long a guy can keep his promise not to kill them and eat their brains. Every time they write a new Red Bull song their synapses sparkle like a stripper’s diamanté g string under hot lights. I’m only a zombie, I can’t resist that level of temptation. Their brains are just wanton teases, practically hoisting up their PVC skirts to flash me their fishnet stockings. So sexy…

As for my cookbook, that’s ground to a halt. Soon as I’ve signed off here, I’m going to hit my Necromancers with a rolling pin. Nothing says “get back to work!” like a bash on the skull with a rolling pin.

Scott xx

Google It

We decided to join Google + today after getting an invite from our FB friend, Lisa. We have no idea what it’s about so at the moment we’re just having a wander, getting lost, bumping into things and running screaming from scary noises. Maybe we’ll just find a dark corner and sit there with our swords, just in case there are monsters lurking. It will probably take us ages to get the hang of it. We were on Twitter for months before we got the hang of it and as for LinkedIn, that’s a bit sophisticated for us, but we got an invite so we went along for a look. Like getting invited to a dinner party at a mansion and getting lost in the west wing.

It won’t surprise anybody to know we didn’t win the Yeovil Literary Prize. The clue is in the prize’s title. We couldn’t write literary if it strapped us to a laptop and threatened to ban Red Bull. But we’ve found a publisher we’d like to submit to, so as soon as Majesty of Darkness has been toned to a trim 130,000 words, we’ll send it off and cross our talons. The edit is going well – we’re hacking and slicing like writers possessed and are mostly managing our target of cutting 301 words per chapter. Now we’ve found the publisher, we’re excited about finishing it and submitting it.

We’re also getting really excited about Halloween, despite shops’ attempts to curb our enthusiasm by not putting their Halloween stuff out. They put their sodding Christmas stuff out, which is frankly ridiculous. Christmas is nowhere near as important, fun or cool as Halloween. All Christmas does is cause debt and misery, (no time for our anti-Christmas rant tonight) whereas Halloween is filled with all things spooky. So shops, listen, don’t put your Christmas stuff out ’til December, that way you have more room for the Halloween stuff. Come to the dark side. We have cookies 🙂

Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Last Thursday we nearly had a meltdown of apoplectic proportions – we couldn’t find our VHS of Beetlejuice. Yes we still use VHS – the video player still works and we’re not forking out on DVDs when we’ve already got them on tape. We need our funds for our world take over campaign. Umm, you know nothing about any world take over campaign, right? 😉 Anyhoo, Channel 5 must’ve bugged our house and heard our despair, because they showed Beetlejuice yesterday 🙂 We haven’t seen it for about 10 years and now we’re older, we can appreciate the full extent of its geniusness. It’s a masterpiece. We forgot how much we loved it.

But there was something else we noticed – the film subconsciously influenced our novel, Majesty of Darkness. We haven’t seen the film since we wrote the book, but there are similarities in ideas – we have a receptionist who’s a funny colour & slit her wrists. The scene where the trapped souls are behind the window – we have trapped souls under a staircase in Legion of the Damned, and that book was only written a few years ago. We have leaflets about being recently deceased – though they’re not informative like the handbook, just insulting. The receptionist wrote them. The scene where Betelgeuse has spikes coming out of him? Our hero’s right hand man has spikes, but only on his arms and legs. And we also have weird sculptures like Delia’s, though they don’t look like hers. And when Adam’s jaw fell off – we’d just read a scene where one of the dead’s jaw falls off and he has to clip it back on. It’s weird how these things must’ve stuck with us, even through a ten year gap from watching the film. Luckily that’s where the similarities end. Unless of course we can get MOD published and convince Tim Burton to make it into an animation or a film. Anyone know of an eight foot tall skeleton looking for acting work? Maybe if we call him, he’ll come. “Burton. Burton. Burton.” *Crossing fingers and opening one eye.* Is he here yet?


Majesty of Darkness

We finished redrafting Director’s Cut! Found it hard for the first half of the book because of the nasty, debilitating attack of the darkshines. Usually we can escape our darkshines by writing, but not this time. This time, the demons won 😦 If we hadn’t written as teenagers we might not be here today. Or we might have gone the way of some depressed, suicidal teens and turned to drink or drugs, but we figured our heads were screwed up enough without adding substances to the mix. Plus we knew they wouldn’t help, they would just make the problem worse. So we wrote depressed, suicidal poetry and killed our demons in our stories 🙂 Considering we hadn’t even read Director’s Cut for three years, we actually didn’t change a lot. Rewrote some chapters and scenes and ended up taking out 3000 words. It will definitely need a few more redrafts though. Not sure many people will get the black humour in it. The humour’s along the lines of American Psycho, where it takes a couple of goes of watching before you realise it’s not to be taken seriously.

Normally after finishing redrafting one novel, we need a few days off novels before we start on the next one, but this time we’ve jumped straight back in with Majesty of Darkness. We need to cut 15,046 words from it to get it down to 130,000 words. Why must our books be so freakin’ long? Many of them can be around 200,000 words! We can write a 150,000 word novel in six weeks. Yeah, we’re demons 😉 Really love MOD. We just love the characters, the humour, the whole book is totally different to anything we’ve ever written. Now if we can get Tim Burton to turn it into an animation, we’ll die happy. We’ve already planned the action figures. And MOD – the Musical. Even wondered about writing lyrics to the songs that feature in the book. Don’t even know if it will work as a musical but Mod -the Musical sounds good not to make 😀 Ambition’s a good thing, right? Now we’re crap at drawing so will Tim sketch out the figures for us if we describe them to him? How much begging do you think he’ll take before he slaps a restraining order on us and gets us banned from being in a five mile radius of him, the studio and Hollywood itself?

We’ve found a website that want slogans and are willing to pay $50 per slogan :O so we’ve been coming up with some. Well, it keeps us off the streets and stops us tormenting teenage boys 😀 It comes to something when we could get $50 for one line of work but get $10 for a 4000 word story. So we’re drinking lots of Red Bull to keep us awake, alert and inspired. Genius does suffer without Red Bull. Why is it so much easier to rework song lyrics into lyrics about Red Bull than it is to do any other form of writing? We hear a song and immediately sing along to it changing the lyrics but we try to write poetry and…nothing. Red Bull is our muse. And about the teenage boy…well we saw a boy of about 12/13 standing in the Tesco lingerie aisle with his dad. His horrendous shaggy hair couldn’t hide the scarlet glow from his prepubescent cheeks. After a whispered plan of action, we turned around and decided to browse the lingerie aisle, just to make him squirm. Really wishing we’d help some against us and asked for his opinion. We know, we’re going to hell. But Karma then rewarded us by putting a hotty in our path. We loitered near him, pretending to be as interested in the quilts as he was then when we walked past him, he smiled at us! So we stalked him round Tesco. That’s what you’re supposed to do in supermarkets, right? Hunt out the things that take your fancy? Ok, we might still be going to hell but at least it will be warm there. We could write Satan’s autobiography. That’ll top the best seller list. Everyone loves a celebrity autobiography at Christmas 😀

Animal Magic

Everyone knows how hard it is writing if you’ve got children. We know this from looking after our niece whilst our sister’s in work. Our niece is nearly 3 and as much as we love her, we don’t get a minute’s peace to write until she goes home. But there’s something that most people don’t think about – how hard it is to write when surrounded by animals. If it’s not the cats pestering for food, to go out, or starting fights with the neighbours’ cats, it’s the iguana breaking out of his tank, getting himself locked in the bathroom or stuck in gaps that are clearly too small for him. We also look after our sister’s dog (she’s less demanding than our niece) and she needs letting out, feeding or rescuing from our biggest cat, Warlock (he’s bigger than her. It causes problems.)

But take this afternoon. The iguana, Kyler, was roaming around upstairs, causing the usual havoc – trying to get into the snake tank, causing avalanches in our room and getting wedged under a candle holder. We were downstairs, enjoying a much-needed Red Bull O’Clock when we could hear him trampling the laptop, which was on the landing – it’s where we work when he’s out. Got upstairs to find he’d typed vb;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;p[ into the chapter and deleted a paragraph. He can’t make these types of editorial decisions without consulting us!

Kyler hard at work on Majesty of Darkness


That poor laptop. It gets tramples by Kyler and the cats, has had nail varnish (green) dropped on it, yesterday a bag of carpet fell on it and it face planted off the settee. It falls off the settee more than is healthy for a laptop that’s probably about 5 years old. And it hasn’t broken once 🙂 When we bought a new laptop because ours is too slow for the Internet, our main requirement was that it must be able to withstand being dropped and must be Raven-proof. They need to list that in the technical data.

We also have a new recruit into our animal army. We’ve been feeding two stray cats – Murdoch and Mousaffa. Murdoch’s done his disappearing act, but today, Moosy appears to have officially adopted us. He hasn’t left our garden all day. Seeing as he’s met the joining requirement – must be an animal and have nowhere else to go – we’ve de-wormed him. We also have to de-flea him and take him to the vets to sort out his gums and possible ear mites. We also have to try to sort out the issue between him and our duck, Peking. She keeps chasing him away. She didn’t mind Murdoch, so we’ve come up with a theory – she only likes monochrome cats. Our cats are either black, or black and white. So is Murdoch. Moosy is ginger. Hence his name – he looks like a lion (yeah we know we’ve spelled it wrong). So we might have to send them to an animal version of Relate. Or let them sort it out with foam bats and cuddle therapy.


Appreciation Society

After three long torturous weeks of heartbreak and misery in our personal lives and silence so deafening in our professional lives that even tumbleweed refused to make an appearance, we finally had something to make us smile. One of our bestest FB friends, Wil set up a C L Raven fan club for us on Facebook! We were thrilled and so touched. No-one’s ever done anything like that for us before. We’re so lucky to have such an amazing, hilarious, kind, sweet, 100% compatible friend like him. Is it weird that we joined the fan club and are now captains of it? (Captains because we use FB in Pirate speak. So much more fun!) the pic is of a South Park style animation Ryan did of us. Lynx is the one with the straight hair, holding a spanner, Cat is the one with curly hair poking her tongue out. The pumpkin represents our love of Halloween and the snake and cat are two of our pets, Charlie and Ebony. Scott the Zombie now feels so threatened he’s vowed to eat our brains if our fan club gets more likes than his FB page. We’re not worried. For a start, two crazy, pirate/ghost/zombie/vampire obsessed Red Bull addicts will never be more popular than an actual functioning zombie, and two, Scott absorbs personality traits, emotions and creativity from the brains he eats. So he will become a crazy, pirate/ghost/zombie/vampire obsessed Red Bull addict, spend his whole day writing or redrafting our work and have to deal with the inner demons we battle every day. Heh heh that should stop him! 😀

We touched up a champion in the middle of Tesco! Before anyone phones the police and has us charged with two counts of groping and inappropriate behaviour in a public place, we have to state no humans were molested by the fruit aisles. We touched Sebastian Vettel’s Red Bull F1 car! There were signs warning people not to touch it because of sharp edges but…it was a Red Bull F1 car. So naturally we stroked its nose. We were so excited we spent ages hovering by it and taking photos. We were the only girls there, strangely. (Yes we love F1). To capitalise on touching a champion car, we submitted a short story that evening, hoping the magic from the car was absorbed by our fingertips. Knowing our luck, our touch has now cursed the Red Bull Racing team. If so, we’re very sorry. No, we don’t regret touching the car 🙂