Rising from the Dead

Hey tasty brains, it’s Scott. I just have to get something off my chest. Seeing as it’s Easter, everyone’s celebrating the annual return of the Easter bunny. That IS what Easter’s about, right? But some people are also celebrating the resurrection of Jesus. This is what’s getting my stitches in a knot. For two thousand years, people have worshipped this guy who died then rose from the dead and carried on a normal life. Who does that sound like? ME! I died, was struck by lightning & rose from the dead to carry on a normal life working in a supermarket, but is anyone worshipping me? NO! HE inspires a whole religion. What do I inspire? A lynch mob!

If you think about it, Jesus is the original zombie. Ok, there’s no mention of him eating brains in the bible, but we all know only a few books were selected to go in that, like in all other anthologies. Maybe the zombie chapter was poorly written or didn’t meet the required word count so was dropped in favour of Luke, or Mark, or maybe even Revelations. The point is, he rose from the dead. So either he has that rare condition where sufferers can appear dead then recover, or he’s a zombie. Vampire’s another possibility, but vampires get enough good press without claiming Jesus as one of them.

So now I’ve exposed Jesus as a zombie, it still begs the question why does HE get people worshipping him, while I get people trying to cut my head off? Ok, I can’t heal the sick, but I can raise the dead. And yes, he may be the son of God, but my dad was in the Thriller video… Ok, that’s a lie, but it’s a better story than his. Plus my hairstyle’s better. And I’m a nice guy. Yes, I kill people, but I do apologise. Sometimes. It’s not like I enjoy being a serial killer, but a guy’s gotta eat. If I could buy my brains from a supermarket, I would. So why does he get chocolate eggs to mark the anniversary of his death, but I don’t? Mind you, I died on Halloween, so I get the coolest day of the year to celebrate my anniversary.

This wrong needs to be righted. From this day forth, I’m starting my own religion. Zombieism. No. Zombieanity. Zombie. Zombieology. I’ll go with Zombie for now, but I reserve the right to change my mind. My novel will be the sacred book and Halloween can be the special day. I’m not going to be all dictatorial and tell you what to do, except you have to keep your brains healthy and active to one day sacrifice them to your idol of worship – me. I’m going to impose a rule of religious garmets – pro-zombie t-shirts. Religious jewellery will consist of charm bracelets with zomibe-related charms, i.e. brain, gravestone, eyeball, brainsaw, hammer & chisel. Zombie songs must be sung once a week in a zombie place of worship – a graveyard. Every Halloween there must be a zombie walk like a pilgrimage. They have these in Kansas & Missouri. Oh and when you die, you will become a zombie.

Happy Easter and beware the Easter bunny. I might’ve turned him by now 😉

Scott x