Howdy moreish brains! Your favourite zombie, Scott here. Wow, finally it’s sunny. I love the sun, even if Vincent tells me a zombie dead or a zombie sunbathing smell the same. Personally I think he’s jealous because I’m a rare, fully functioning zombie, he’s just a vampire. He’s like a Ford Fiesta – so common no-one notices them any more so they bring out a new model but underneath it’s still a Fiesta. I’m kinda like a panda – beautiful, endangered and unable to breed to save my species. I hope I’m not captured and put in a zoo so people can perv on me during the mating season. I may be able to walk, talk and still look in ripped jeans and one of my many zombie slogan t-shirts but I can’t undo knots or…breed to save my species.
Anyhoo, this talk of the Zombie Apocalypse has me worried. Dec 22nd 2012 is the proposed date. By then I’ll be a famous film star. Surely humans aren’t going to double tap a celebrity? Oh wait, if Justin Bieber crosses my path…In a way I’m looking forwards to the Zombie Apocalypse because for once I’ll be able to hunt out in the open instead of hiding in bushes like a pervert setting traps. But my food supply will be seriously diminished. The reans (reanimated dead) are just going to devour anyone they encounter. You know I only eat creative brains. I don’t want to be stuck with reality TV stars and footballers! I have more creativity in my left eye. It moves independently and can even perform a Dirty Dancing routine. Thing is, in their panic, humans might not realise it’s me and might shoot or bludgeon me thinking I’m just a rampaging rean. That would be really unfair. I don’t deserve to die like that. I deserve to be worshipped, to have a state funeral with lots of televised sobbing and a twenty one gun salute.
Plus people know about the Zombie Apocalypse so are preparing for it, probably drawing up action plans, storing food and gathering weapons. Instead of fire drills, schools will be doing Zombie Apocalypse drills. The Government will be printing out information leaflets to deliver door to door like they did with the swine flu. Though unlike that over hyped disappointment, the Zombie Apocalypse will actually be worth terrifying the country over. Even my Necromancers are preparing for it, eyeing their swords in a way that makes my stomach go quivery and stashing the cupboard full of Red Bull. Oh hang on, no that’s just their week’s supply. If I cut them open, their blood would be brownish red and fizzy. So with all these preparations under way, it’s actually going to be hard to get a decent meal and frighten survivors. I’m just going to have to blend in with them, gain their trust then WHAM! Smack ’em over the head with Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse and eat their brain over the camp fire they’ve prepared. I like eating outdoors, it adds a woody tangy flavour to the brain.
Ooh, gotta go, a delivery guy’s just arrived with my latest order – new zombie slogan t-shirts. I figured I’ll continue to promote zombies as a force of good so people start trusting us then when Dec 22nd 2012 arrives they’ll let me into their safe house, fearing for my safety. Oh my god, it’s going to be like a Christmas feast. I’d better buy some bigger jeans 😉
Scott x
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Raven's Retreat 
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