Waiting List

We’re waiting to hear whether we’ve been shortlisted for the Pratchett prize. We’ve got Terry Pratchett’s website permanently up & keep obsessively checking it. This feels like the Internet equivalent of checking your phone to see if it’s still switched on. We’re regretting not going with a bribe now. Thing is, what do you bribe Sir Terry with? We have nothing. Unless…no, he’s probably got a pet zombie. (Calm down Scott, we’re only joking. God, no sense of humour). We keep expecting Sir Terry to turn up at our door with giant cans of Red Bull, banners, balloons & begging us to co-write a book with him, but so far, nothing. Hang on, was that a knock at the door? How should we greet him? Sir Pratchett? TP? Mr. T? *Going to answer door* Oh. It’s just the wind.

Perhaps he got lost. Our house IS really hard to find. Plenty of delivery men get lost. Yeah, that must be it. Or maybe his website’s experiencing technical difficulties. Or maybe the zombies got him.

This waiting is driving us crazy! We need this shortlist to make up for the fact we’ve done terribly on our submission mission this month. Only 1 story submitted. Well, it was 2 but turned out the second one was closed to submissions & we’d forgot to check before sending it. So this would make up for the fact we’ve totally slacked off.

Oh come on! Put us out of our misery! We have a nasty feeling we didn’t make it, but figured if anyone would like our zany characters & eccentric character of Death, it’d be Sir Terry. There’s always the Yeovil Prize in May we can send it to, but we really wanted this one – a competition run by the great man, who wouldn’t want to win?

This is beginning to feel like we’ve been stood up.

Zombie Apocalypse

Howdy moreish brains! Your favourite zombie, Scott here. Wow, finally it’s sunny. I love the sun, even if Vincent tells me a zombie dead or a zombie sunbathing smell the same. Personally I think he’s jealous because I’m a rare, fully functioning zombie, he’s just a vampire. He’s like a Ford Fiesta – so common no-one notices them any more so they bring out a new model but underneath it’s still a Fiesta. I’m kinda like a panda – beautiful, endangered and unable to breed to save my species. I hope I’m not captured and put in a zoo so people can perv on me during the mating season. I may be able to walk, talk and still look in ripped jeans and one of my many zombie slogan t-shirts but I can’t undo knots or…breed to save my species.

Anyhoo, this talk of the Zombie Apocalypse has me worried. Dec 22nd 2012 is the proposed date. By then I’ll be a famous film star. Surely humans aren’t going to double tap a celebrity? Oh wait, if Justin Bieber crosses my path…In a way I’m looking forwards to the Zombie Apocalypse because for once I’ll be able to hunt out in the open instead of hiding in bushes like a pervert setting traps. But my food supply will be seriously diminished. The reans (reanimated dead) are just going to devour anyone they encounter. You know I only eat creative brains. I don’t want to be stuck with reality TV stars and footballers! I have more creativity in my left eye. It moves independently and can even perform a Dirty Dancing routine. Thing is, in their panic, humans might not realise it’s me and might shoot or bludgeon me thinking I’m just a rampaging rean. That would be really unfair. I don’t deserve to die like that. I deserve to be worshipped, to have a state funeral with lots of televised sobbing and a twenty one gun salute.

Plus people know about the Zombie Apocalypse so are preparing for it, probably drawing up action plans, storing food and gathering weapons. Instead of fire drills, schools will be doing Zombie Apocalypse drills. The Government will be printing out information leaflets to deliver door to door like they did with the swine flu. Though unlike that over hyped disappointment, the Zombie Apocalypse will actually be worth terrifying the country over. Even my Necromancers are preparing for it, eyeing their swords in a way that makes my stomach go quivery and stashing the cupboard full of Red Bull. Oh hang on, no that’s just their week’s supply. If I cut them open, their blood would be brownish red and fizzy. So with all these preparations under way, it’s actually going to be hard to get a decent meal and frighten survivors. I’m just going to have to blend in with them, gain their trust then WHAM! Smack ’em over the head with Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse and eat their brain over the camp fire they’ve prepared. I like eating outdoors, it adds a woody tangy flavour to the brain.

Ooh, gotta go, a delivery guy’s just arrived with my latest order – new zombie slogan t-shirts. I figured I’ll continue to promote zombies as a force of good so people start trusting us then when Dec 22nd 2012 arrives they’ll let me into their safe house, fearing for my safety. Oh my god, it’s going to be like a Christmas feast. I’d better buy some bigger jeans 😉

Scott x

Yeah I’m a zombie baby, ain’t nobody perfect

Good afternoon exquisite brains! Wow I thought I’d never get back on here. Good news! My Necromancers have finally stopped playing the field with their ghost stories and vampire stories (they assure me those stories meant nothing to them, but it doesn’t matter. The trust has gone) and they are back with me! I’m so happy I feel like going out and eating an artist to celebrate. They’re hoping to be able to send my novel to the Yeovil Prize in May so are redrafting it, implementing James McCreet’s suggestions. I keep hearing them laugh. Clearly they regret the time we’ve spent apart and rightly so! Ghosts aren’t funny. They’re just tryhard wannabees. I wanted to live so much I forced my body back to life. What have ghosts ever done for mankind? Ooh they can knock on walls. Big deal. I can chase down and body tackle a screaming human. And I show up in photographs. There’s no denying MY existence 😀

Seeing as they are now working on my book, I can no longer eat them (for the time being). However, their BFM Ryan (stands for boyfriend/mate as for some strange reason he liked one of them. Don’t ask me which one, I can’t tell them apart. I pity the fool) is round here a lot and his brain just KEEPS coming on to me. If it was a dancer, its moves would be x-rated. Not only is he good looking, hilarious and intelligent, he writes AND he’s an expert gamer. If I ate his brain I would be unstoppable on the PS3. I’m sure once I’ve explained to my Necromancers that it’s him or them they’ll graciously hand him over then my reign of gaming terror can begin!

All this talk of brains is making me hungry. Is there anyone around? Wait one juicy moment. A delivery van’s just pulled up outside. That’s it, he’s getting out. Yes! He’s coming here. He has a package for my Necromancers. I’ll just take a step to the right and…oh my god he’s a fighter! Quick Necromancers, pin him down! Oh man, that would’ve hurt if I’d still been alive. Good job dead men can’t have children 😦

Scott x

Dark Fire

Our story, ‘Til Death us do Part is now published on Dark Fire Fiction’s website http://usersites.horrorfind.com/home/horror/darkfire/fiction_2.html so go and read it. Let us know what you think and you want to tell Dark Fire how much you love us, we won’t stop you 🙂