All I Want for Christmas is Brains

hello happy, healthy brains! Merry Christmas! It’s Scott. I’ve managed to wrestle this off my Bah Humbug Necromancers by hypnotising them with a dangling Red Bull can. That shouldn’t have worked, but who I am to argue with science? I hope everyone’s having fun in the snow. I was until when I was making a snowman, Tyler threw a snowball at me and knocked my eye out. He then put it in the snowman. I slapped him and took it back. Now my eye socket’s cold. Then he knocked me over and when I was down, covered me in snow and held a fake funeral. By the time I dug myself free, it was dark and he’d gone home. I’m so melting his snowballs when I get hold of him.

I’m so excited about Christmas! It’s only my second since becoming a zombie and well, let’s face it, the first one I was still in my adjusting phase so I wasn’t in complete control of myself. Tyler refuses to talk about those days and I don’t remember them too well. They can’t have been that bad. This year, I’m joining in the Christmas meal. Well, I have the pudding planned. My mouth’s watering just thinking about it. I’m going to get a brain, cook it then stuff it with fruit and coins, cover it in brandy & put a sprig of holly on top. Oh & set it on fire. Except I’m terrified of fire. Ok, maybe I won’t set it on fire. But here’s the best bit! To keep in the festive mood, I’m gonna get the brain of Santa! I know what you’re thinking – I’m a genius. That’s not the word Tyler used. In fact he used a string of words I’m not repeating on here, ending with “that’s a terrible idea.” I’ve never had a terrible idea. Yes, most of them don’t end well, but that doesn’t mean the idea was bad, just the execution. And the people involved, screwing it up. This plan’s foolproof. I’m gonna rig up fairy lights into a loop and leave it by a plate of mince pies and sherry. Then when Santa steps in…up he goes like a delicious Christmas decoration.

Ooh, just a word of warning. While Christmas is a time for you living people to overindulge in food and drink, I tend to starve. Mostly because all that food, lack of exercise, drink and mind numbing TV does horrible things to your brains, taste-wise. It’s like eating the wrapping paper and boxes the presents comes in. I have to survive on cans of Zombie energy drink until well past the New Year. So as it’s the season of goodwill and giving, remember that while you stuff in that mince pie you don’t really need, there’s a starving zombie out there, desperate for a meal of creative, active, healthy brain. So put down that remote and pick up your exercise gear and come running into my path. If you only do one good deed this Christmas, let it be feeding the hungry zombies.

Frog Prince

rear admirable

We’ve been having loads of fun in the snow. 11 inches of it! We’ve built an Austin Healey Frogeye Sprite called Kermit. We’ve always wanted a Froggie but until we can afford one, this one will have to do. We think it tops the castle we made in January. It’s

Cars & girls

even strong enough for us to sit in. It took us about three hours with a bit of help from our mum and two issues of Practical Classics for the finer details.

snow mobile

We stuck straws to the backs of the headlights, brake lights & number plates to get them to stay cos the wind kept stealing them off the car. Sadly we didn’t have enough green food colouring in the house to make him the perfect froggie green.

Bah Humbug

We celebrated sending off our 103rd piece of work with…another rejection. With just over 2 weeks to go ’til the end of the year, we don’t think we’re going to get our 12 pieces published like we’d hoped for. Maybe we’ll just aim for 2 next year 😦 At least we’ve been shortlisted a number of times, which is almost as exciting. We’ve started redrafting our young adult novel, based around the Welsh myths of Annwn, the ‘otherworld’. Most writers research things until they’re practically experts in the subject. We find research as boring as watching perma tanned plastic fantastics on reality TV shows. We do a bit until we have a rough idea then we write and add things in on the redraft when we’ve learned a bit more. Too much research in one go just delays the writing. It’s not like anyone’s actually been to Annwn. And if they have, we think they’d like what we’ve done with the place.

For all of you who are doing your Christmas shopping, we feel for you. It makes us more glad we boycotted Christmas nine years ago. A lot of people find the concept of banning Christmas strange. But then a lot of people probably found the concept of banning Roman Gladiator matches strange. Christmas shoppers are just as bloodthirsty. They spot a bargain and they will run you down and trample you to get it. If they have pushchairs, they become wheeled battering rams to ankle tap you and send you flying into the perfume bottle pyramid. It may be the season of giving, but the giving of bruises is really unnecessary. Plus people have been moaning all year about the recession and debt and yet they seem to manage to blow thousands on one day when the presents they’ve just gone into debt buying will probably be sold on eBay on Boxing Day. Since we stopped doing Christmas, it’s kind of how posh people must’ve felt visiting the people of Bedlam – feel sorry for the inmates and glad they’re not one fo them. Not that we’re posh. We were going to go on a ghost tour but the festive tour includes a turkey meal. Veganism cancels this out. Might just go and hang out in some castle ruins, that way we’ll be conveniently out if someone tries to call on us. People see Christmas as family time. Sorry, but if we don’t want to see you the rest of the year, we certainly don’t want to see you on Christmas. Ooh, we’ve just bought black Bah Humbug hats. Bet they’ll look really festive.

Black Xmas

We’ve finally submitted our black comedy novel, Majesty of Darkness to the Pratchett Prize. We don’t usually get nervous when submitting work but for some reason, we were nervous about this. Perhaps because we really want the novel to do well. We’ll be thrilled if it gets shortlisted. We love Pratchett’s Death character and really hope he likes ours, The Collector. Though unlike Pratchett’s Death, The Collector doesn’t have an ounce of professionalism or sympathy in his bony body. The Collector also stalks celebrities and has an incurable addcition to pear drops. We’ll find out March 31st if it’s shortlisted, so as always, we’re keeping our talons crossed.

We usually avoid Christmas like the plague & have boycotted it since we were 18, but this year, spurred on by our FB friends, we’ve decided to participate a little. By rewriting Christmas songs in our own style. So Good King Wenceslas is about a cannibal, Winter Wonderland is about murder, We Three Kings of Orient Are is about thieves and Jingle Bells is about kidnapping Wentworth Miller. We’re posting one a day to our Facebook page. We love rewriting lyrics & it usually comes without a lot of effort. We’ve rewritten several songs about Red Bull. Songs as diverse as ‘Always’ by Bon Jovi & ‘Blood’ by My Chemical Romance. We also rewrote MCR’S ‘You Know What they do to Guys Like us in Prison’ about kidnapping Wentworth Miller. Hmm, sensing a theme here…

To be kind, as it’s the season of giving and all that, here’s one we wrote earlier 🙂

Winter Murderland

Death tolls ring, are you listening?/In the lane, blood is glistening,/a macabre sight,/we’re frightened tonight,/walking in a winter murderland./Gone away, are the good souls,/here to stay, are the bad souls./We sing a rock song,/as we go along,/walking in a winter murderland./In the graveyard we can build a snowman,/then pretend that he killed Parson Brown./He’ll say “is he dead yet?”/We’ll say “no man,/but you can do the job/when you’re in town.”/Later on, we’ll conspire,/to execute him by fire./To face unafraid,/the plots that we’ve made,/walking in a winter murderland./In the graveyard we can build a snowman,/and pretend he killed a circus clown./We’ll have lots of fun with mister snowman,/until the judge demands to “send him down!”/When he kills, ain’t it thrilling?/Though your soul gets a chilling./We’ll frolic and play, the murderous way,/walking in the winter murderland.

Hope you enjoyed that 😉

Tweet petite

Greetings all you beautiful brains! Scott here. I am so freakin’ excited I feel like going out and eating the brain of a comedian to celebrate. I now have a Twitter page! FINALLY! I am taking over the world one website at a time. You see my Necromancers started following Death and thought it’s time I had my own page. I now follow Death too. He’s hilarious though as I’m already dead I’m not frightened by him. I’m desperate to get more followers than them. They’ve only got 9 (one is me and 4 are FB friends of theirs). So far I’m up to 3. One is them and the other two are FB friends of theirs. Tonight I tweeted about wanting spaghetti bologbrains for tea. Shame I don’t have an iPhone or something, I could do tweets on the move, like ‘is hiding in a bush waiting for a jogger so I can eat him.’ I haven’t put a location on my tweets so the cops can’t find me and spoil my hunting. That would totally suck and make me the stupidist criminal ever. It’d be the equvilent of phoning the police to inform them a jewellery store is about to be robbed right before you rob it. Let’s see, I have an FB page, a Twitter page, access to this blog…I think I need a podcast. No! My own TV channel. Hell, if any fake tanned plastic fantastic bimbo can get a TV programme, why can’t I? I use fake tan too. Ok, I don’t have boobs but I’m sure I can stuff. And you could argue my embalming fluid is like Botox with its hardening properties and brilliance at staving off the rot. I’m telling you, soon all the celebs will be using it as the latest anti ageing product. *pouting and tossing head sexily* because we’re WORTH it!