I’m with Zombie

Alright? I’m Tyler, Scott’s best mate. He’s been nagging me to do a blog for ages and is now threatening to eat my brain if I don’t so I’m doing one just to shut him up. I was like “What do I have to write?” He was like “I dunno. Just what it’s like having a zombie as a best mate.” A zombie as a best mate. Makes me sound like I couldn’t get anyone living to fill the post. But Scott and I have been mates all our lives so I couldn’t exactly dump him when he died. Would’ve seemed a bit heartless. Though he’s giving me countless reasons why I should. Like threatening to eat my brain. When he first changed I had to wear a motorbike helmet for a month cos he kept trying to crack my head open like it’s a f***ing Easter egg. He reckons sleeping in it was extreme. No, trying to eat my brain’s extreme.

I can handle the whole him being dead thing. Not that he gives me the choice, but I draw the line at helping him catch his food. All he sees is the brain, sitting in their skulls like some precious jewel in a glass case. Reckons he’s setting them free by eating them. Freak. I also draw the line at watching him get embalmed. Ok, I know he hates having it done, but he wouldn’t need it done so often if he didn’t keep losing his limbs. There are some things mates shouldn’t watch other mates doing. Getting embalmed’s one of them. Watching them cut off the top of someone’s head’s another. Then he goes and meets that giant werepanther, Ethan, who’s only too willing to go ‘hunting’ with him so Scott keeps threatening me with demotion. You can’t demote your best mate just cos he won’t kill people with you. I’ve told him I’ll take him to a tribunal if he tries. Or lace his next brain with peanuts. That’s another thing I’ve had to put up with – him cooking his damn brains the microwave. I made him buy a new one, his ‘brainwave’ as I call it. There’s no way I’m eating food out of the same mircrowave that he uses.

I did get a cool power out of the lightning bolt that resurrected him – I have compulsion & telekinesis so I can make people do what I want and move things with my mind. It’s f***ing sweet! He seems to be taking the zombie thing a bit too well. He actually enjoys it. He’s got this range of t-shirts with different zombie slogans on it. Talk about advertising it. And he’s got a list of ‘people I want to eat’. I’m at the top. I’ve seen it. I’ve also see the way he looks at me. Like I’m some kind of big chocolate brain cake.

F***ing zombie

Tyler xx

Twitter sweet memories

We’ve managed to wrestle the laptop off Scott for the moment. There was a bit of a struggle and he lost some fingers in the battle but as zombies can’t cry, we don’t feel too bad about that. His fingers are gluing, he’ll be alright in a couple of hours. We just wanted to announce C L Raven are now on Twitter! We’ve resisted until now ‘cos we never seem to have enough time to do anything (keeping up with Facebook is hard enough) but MCR do a lot on Twitter and we really want to stalk them so we joined for that reason. You can follow us at http://twitter.com/clraven It’ll be hard keeping to 140 characters. FB is always telling us off for going exceeding 420 😦 Wonder if we’ll be the first people to ever have minus followers. Hope not. That’s not an accolade we crave.

We’re up to Chapter 26 with Scott now and we are having so much fun. This has been our favourite book to write. It’s so easy and we laugh so much we’re getting wrinkles. But then our sense of humour is rather warped. In true Raven style we write each chapter without a clue what we’re going to do and just let our fingers do the talking. Some writers plan meticulously. We scrawl down some ideas then just get cracking. If we knew every aspect of every story before writing it, there’d be no point writing it. We love how even our stories can catch us unawares as they and the characters develop a life of their own. Or, in Scott’s case, an afterlife.

Dead Sexy

Hey, it’s Scott again. I managed to snatch this thing off Ethan. He growled but I distracted him with a toy mouse. Heh heh. I never thought being a zombie would be so exciting. I fully recommend it to anyone. As long as you can put up with sleeping in a freezer, having to catch your own food and your best friend constantly spraying you with Lynx Recover. (The tagline on the back of the bottle said ‘bring yourself back to life.’ I’ve never been more duped by a product) 😦

Well, our arch enemies, Duncan and his werewolf companion Perish have been busy trying to wipe us off the earth. Tyler got run down, Ethan and I tracked Duncan and Perish to a country hotel (being supernatural assassins must pay well) then a fight broke out when our silver stake trap was an epic fail. I’m not the best fighter in the world and when I get knocked down I can’t get back up again, but I managed to get some punches in. Then we took the fight outside, where Ethan and Perish morphed to their werepanther and werewolf forms and fought on the golf course. It was the first time golf had seemed remotely appealing to me. I tried fighting Duncan and his blades and became a zombie kebab, which was very embarrassing.

Then, the worst thing happened. After my funeral director friend, Mort, patched me up and embalmed me, he kindly gave me the brain of one of his customers. I like creative people because it means when I eat their brains, I absorb their talents. Whilst this brain wasn’t creative (in fact he was so dull he made paint drying look like an extreme sport), his human had died of a heart attack. In the middle of making love. So all his unspent…passion passed on to me. A randy zombie is not something anyone wants to encounter. My poor friends. I turned into a one zombie sexual harrasment suit. I’ve embarrassed myself a lot since becoming a zombie but groping and tonguing my friends is definitely up there at the top. Poor Tyler. I think he’s still having nightmares.

Big Cat Diary

Hi, I’m Ethan the werepanther, Scott’s friend. He’s probably told you we met on a chat show. What an embarrassment that turned into. I was getting wound up by Vincent the vampire & when I’m wound up, I change. I usually try to stay calm but he would drive a saint to going postal with a submachine gun in the nearest McDonald’s. I only bit him and not that hard. But then when I changed back, I was naked. On national TV. Luckily my uncle Jake was in the audience and he always carries spare clothes with him.

Then there was that incident when I had to streak across the supermarket car park to save Tyler from the armed police (it was Scott’s fault). Again it appeared on national TV and on the Internet because Scott made me streak past a news crew. Until then the only time I’d featured on the news was after bird watchers spotted me strolling about in panther form. My one shot at fame and I was a panther. Now I’ve had 2 more shots and was naked both times. I don’t have an affinity for nudity, it’s just unavoidable.

I love being a werepanther. What’s not to like? I have all the advantages of panther genes whilst also being human. I also like the fact I’m a werepanther – werewolves are so yesterday. Of course there’s always the danger I’ll be tranquillised by animal control and put in a zoo, but Jake always has my back. My panther skills come in really handy when I’m helping Scott catch someone to eat. Nobody can outrun me. I just have to be careful not to change too often when I’m around Scott. He smells so delicious.

It’s getting harder to resist him.