Thoughts of a Dying Atheist

Hey living people, it’s Scott. What a week it’s been! I’ve eaten a colleague, been on a talk show, been chased by a werewolf and her human protector, (who chopped off my arm) lost a finger at work & now I’m going to feature in a zombie photoshoot in Kansas! Jason, a Facebook friend of my Necromancers (C L Raven) has been so inspired by my incredible tale, he’s going to feature ME in his zombie photoshoot for his horror modelling group. My Necromancers have been giving him my particulars so he can find the perfect model for me. Unfortunately I can’t go to the shoot myself, but I bet he picks a total slamming hotty to play me.

Speaking of Facebook, my page now has 33 fans. I update it every day with extracts from the chapters my Necromancers have completed & also tell funny tales of what happens to me as I go about my afterdeath. I reckon my life’s got more exciting since becoming a zombie. I wouldn’t recommend the lifestyle to anyone (being embalmed isn’t a barrel of laughs) but I’ve finally got a quirk that makes me different to everyone else. Of course there are downsides – I had to quit my job as a fireman after developing a sudden phobia to flames, I have to sleep in a freezer, I can’t get dates & I smell, but who else can throw themselves out of a hotel window & survive? Or play baseball with their own leg? The eating brain thing takes a while to get used to, but I find the brains of creative people have a better taste. They have unique flavours & textures. I’ve tried the brains of airheads & believe me, never again. There was so much air it was like eating puff pastry. One brain I would LOVE to try is my best mate, Tyler’s. He’s the greatest person in the world and I know his brain would be the most delicious I’ve ever tasted. But there are rules about not eating your best mate. Once that line’s crossed, we can’t come back from it. It would ruin our friendship forever.

It’s getting so hard to resist…

Scott the zombie

Hey, my name’s Scott and I’m a zombie. My necromancers, Cat and Lynx Raven have let me guest blog today. They say it’s because they’re too busy writing my novel. Personally I reckon they just can’t be bothered. I’m so excited about my novel. They’ve just started it. I can see Chapter 1 and the first line. “Oh shit. You ate Alicia.” I sure did 😉

Let me tell you about myself. I’m 22, my best friend is Tyler Francis, we work together in a supermarket. I work in the frozen food aisles. We’ve been mates all our lives and he wasn’t too freaked out when I was turned into a zombie. He even let me stay in the flat we share. He said it would be mean kicking me out just because I died. My other friend is Ethan, the werepanther I met on Delilah’s Daily Discussion, a chat show. The purpose was to teach tolerance towards supernatural beings. There was a vampire, Vincent there who was a total bitch. I have to admit, I attacked him and the show descended into a Jerry Springer type brawl. I’m not proud of that. I should’ve just waited for him after the show and staked him. Pompous mother sucker.

Anyway, I’ll keep you updated on my novel through here or my Facebook page. Just search Scott the Zombie and up I come, like…well, like a zombie crawling out of a grave. Or you can visit Ethan and Tyler might also blog, depends if I let them. And remember, if I see you first, you’d better start running… 😉

Facebook of the Dead

“In our heads, in our heads, zombies, zombies, zombiiiieeeeeeesssss.” We’ve become necromancers, bringing the dead back to life! Well, kinda. We don’t ACTUALLY have magical powers (much to our disgust). Scott the zombie lives! (Again). We’ve created a Facebook page for him, under the ingenious title Scott the Zombie. Ok, maybe not so ingenious, but the guy is the walking dead, he’s bound to have lost some brain cells when he died (though he insists he’s incredibly intelligent).

We aim to turn this into the best FB ever. Our over ambitious natures will probably once again, make us crash and burn, but we’ll have fun trying to make history. We’ve already posted a link to a zombie energy drink our FB friend Huw posted on our page for us (cheers Huw) and put a poem we wrote about Scott in his notes section. He’ll be updating his page regularly, letting his fans know how the book’s getting on, some adventures he’s having, whose brain he ate today, etc. He’ll also be guest blogging on here, so we apologise if decomp juice leaks onto the keyboard and some of his message is unreadable. So if you like zombies, or just want to like something different on FB, come and find him and help us really bring the dead to life.

Asylum Seekers

Denbigh Asylum

Had a great day today – we finally visited Denbigh Asylum, the setting of our ghost novel, Soul Asylum. So now you can all see what Ravens Retreat looks like. Unfortunately we couldn’t get anywhere near it, but we still got some great photos from outside the gates. It’s a truly beautiful place and it’s a travesty that there are plans to demolish it. We’ve signed a petition on Facebook to save it. We don’t need any more flats and houses blighting the landscape.

We had to get up at 2:45am to get breakfast for our animal army ready, as we were leaving them in the care of our sister. So we wanted to be back by lunchtime to feed & bath the iguana, hence the unearthly start. But even though we couldn’t get in, it was definitely worth going to see it in the flesh. We spoke to a man who was walking past and he told us the ceilings have fallen down and someone set fire to the main hall last year. Why do vandals have to set fire to beautiful buildings? You can’t replace history.

Purple and Pink

If anyone’s interested in fun and unusual blogs, try out it’s a brand, shiny new blog set up by the hilarious duo Huw Ellis and Josefin Molntuss. It’s a daily diary of what purple & pink get up to, such as doing rain dances for the fires in Russia, killing monsters and saving snails (we like that one, seeing as we have 9 African snails). If, like us, you never find out about something until it’s huge then end up feeling like you’re leaping on the bandwagon, this is a good time to get in at the start before it becomes huge. Remember, you saw it here first.

Dead Man Walking

No, seriously. Well, kinda. His name’s Scott and he’s a zombie. We’ve brought him to life, so to speak. Did we not mention necromancy’s a hobby of ours? 😉 He started life in a short story then we wrote a funny poem about him and now he’s about to star in his own novel. We created him before we knew about Tim Waggoner’s Matt in Nekropolis (love that book) so were totally gutted to find there’s another walking, talking zombie out there, but we’d already fallen in love with Scott. We know. Typical. You wait your whole life to fall in love with a guy and when you do, he’s a zombie. Could be worse. He could be a politician.

Anyway, we’ll be starting the novel in a couple of weeks after we’ve finished editing Raising the Dead and Majesty of Darkness. We’re doing something we’ve never done before and enlisting the help of someone else in exchange for a part in the book. It’s so cool, like being spies. We should give ourselves CB names and talk in code. Knowing us we wouldn’t understand our own code and we’d be so excited about being spies, we’d tell everyone, which kinda defeats the object of actually being spies.

We’re quite nervous about it ‘cos Mr X is a real person, rather than a character we’ve made up so we don’t want to get his character wrong. We’ll have to study him closely to get his mannerisms, way he speaks etc just right. Wow. Staring at a hot guy with close scrutiny and we get to call it ‘work.’ Is this the BEST job ever? (Ok, no, being Wentworth Miller’s bodyguard would be the best job ever but we’re very small and wouldn’t like getting shot at). All the advice is not to use people you know as characters ‘cos they can sue you but he’s given his permission and is excited about it. So we want to do him justice. And if it all goes horribly wrong we’ll go live in a haunted asylum somewhere. We know just the place…

Cutting Crew

Great news for Terry Pratchett fans (we’re proud to be among them). Sir Terry has teamed up with Transworld to launch a first novel prize. The prize is publication and a £20,000 advance on royalties. The word limit is 150,000 and it must be set on earth. It can be set in any time, any genre but must be theoretically possible on some version of earth. Full details are on his website oh and the deadline is Dec 31st. We’ve got a novel that will perfect for this but it’s 10k words too long so we’ve printed it out so we can shave off those excess 10,000 words. So if you’re entering, good luck and remember you heard it here, so be kind. Let us win 😉

Speaking of cutting words, we realised after printing Raising the Dead, that the computer had screwed up the printing, missing out 6 chapters & affecting our word count. So it wasn’t 186k words like we’d originally thought but 213k words 😦 We’ve mananged to get it down to 185k words but we’re redrafting it again to try to cut it further. Wish us luck.