Mirror Image

Our lack of combat skills are so renowned, God forced us to fight ourselves. Turns out, our reflections are as bad as we are. After a week’s break, D & D was back and stranger than ever.

The Story so far: Escape from Fuck Mountain Crypt Keepers Campaign of Error Mining for Trouble D & D Disaster Class

When we left the last session, Lord Wolfy and Cassiel had wandered off to loot a store, while the rest of the group confronted the general, who wasn’t called Pinkinton. The most competent member of the group, Vena, threw a fire bubble at the general. The world went black. And there wasn’t a trip switch to fix it.

When the blackness had splintered, we discovered we were in a dome with mirrors. It was like being trapped in a nightmare. Crimthan and Indiana saw only one way to deal with this terror – they attacked their reflections. And missed. Frank was perturbed that this was their response to seeing their reflections. The others tried talking to them, but their reflections said the same things at the same time. Although there was something off about the reflections. They were the same but slightly different. We couldn’t tell the difference between the reflections and the real ones. Vena waved at hers. It scowled back.

Crimthan attacked his reflection. And missed. His reflection attacked him back. And missed. Not so dissimilar after all. Indiana attacked her reflection and missed with both daggers. As did her reflection. Lord Wolfy had a different approach – he asked DM whether his reflection was missing his penis. He stripped off to check. His reflection imitated him. DM: “your reflection is anatomically similar.” Pip: “I don’t want to think about what that looks like.” Lynx: “like a furry Ken doll.” Lord Wolfy decided seducing his reflection was the best tactic. Despairing, DM made him do a seduction roll. 2. His reflection punched him in the face.

So we kept attacking them. Cassiel successfully killed her reflection, which exploded into particles. Vena wounded hers but was then knocked unconscious by her reflection’s retaliation, so Cassiel killed the other Vena with an arrow that severed the reflection in two. Indiana attacked hers again, wounding it slightly then her reflection responded, missing. Cassiel “Both Rogues are bad! I’m attacking the worst one.” Luckily her arrow missed as she shot at Indiana. Crimthan critically wounded his reflection, eventually killing it. Crimthan’s reflection released a dark purple light before disappearing. Indiana’s reflection somehow succeeded in her attack, knocking Indiana’s HP to 1. So Crimthan killed the reflection, which emitted a green light as she died. Frank attacked his reflection. And missed. His reflection responded. And missed. After watching this dismal fight between two one-armed clerics, we all took turns to attack. We didn’t know which cleric we were attacking but it didn’t matter to us as long as a cleric got hurt. Cassiel’s idea of throwing both clerics to see which one we could throw better was not met with warmth. Eventually the reflection cleric died so Crimthan damaged Lord Wolfy’s reflection before Cassiel finished it off.

Then the dome began to splinter. So we attacked it. Swinging wildly around us at empty space. Indiana grappled Frank and threw him at the dome. He hit it and slithered down in a heap. Lord Wolfy decided to throw his scythe so Crimthan ducked and Indiana hid beneath the unconscious Vena. The scythe got stuck in the floor. Crimthan tried to take Vena’s magic ring to heal her, but the evil amulet around Vena’s neck glowed purple and Crimthan backed away. As Frank reminded him, bad things happen when purple is involved. Eventually the top of the dome cracked and we all jumped out. To find ourselves back in the room where the general was. He was in disbelief that we were the first heroes to defeat the mirror images. To be honest, we were a little shocked ourselves. Cassiel offered him a counselling service. We didn’t kill the general, but we did break him. As he sobbed his way out of the room, Indiana attempted a sneak attack. And failed.


D & D are moving! We have finally set up a new blog purely for our D & D campaign so if you enjoy reading these posts, come and give the new blog a follow. It’s still in its creation phase so watch it grow and go horribly wrong :D D&DDisasterClass

D and D Disaster Class

You know your D & D campaign is in trouble when one member says “Will throwing my penis at him help?” Our quest continues. And we’re worse than ever.

The adventure so far: Escape from Fuck Mountain Crypt Keepers Campaign of Error Mining for Trouble

Players :
Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, evil lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Cassiel, chaotic evil ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully evil cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

After quelling the mine rebellion, we returned to the City of Light to claim our rewards. Only to be met with riddles. image

Lynx had a word ladder. She had to get from SLAVE to SWORD in 5 steps. She did slave, shave, share, shore, swore, sword. Turned out, that was not suggested by the internet. Their answer was slave, stave, stare, store, swore, sword.

Cat’s was: my mother bought my armour for me one summer day. Spent every penny she had. Spent 20 and twice again and bankrupted my dad. How much did I spend? She answered: nothing. She was right. image

Amy’s was really hard: What had no beginning nor any end. What has no shadow to hide. What means eternity until death and can be narrow or wide? She got the answer right: engagement ring.

Jordan had to join 5 points in three different lines without them crossing. So Lynx got a better bastard sword, Cat got new armour, Amy got medical supplies and Jordan didn’t get his unicorn.

The ruler of the City of Light told us they wanted us to sort out a problem – destroy the Lord White Luminous Shine in the sky. But he’s protected by four generals in the north, south, east and west. We would be rewarded generously for this. Maybe we’ll finally get a castle, if not in real life, at least in D&D life. The lord is a good guy and wants to put a stop to the Impossitanium Mine. Turned out, the peasants in the slums were terrified, not of us, but of being forced down into the mines. Indiana: “Us pinning down that child then attacking him probably didn’t help then.”

We decided to go after the general in the north, who was in a fortress on Fuck Mountain, as he was easiest and his guards were stupid. We were confident we could take them. The ruler created a portal and we discussed throwing Frank the cleric through it. As three members of our party have thrown the cleric, Vena and Indiana were feeling left out. We decided to jump through instead. Most of us succeeded and landed just outside the fortress. Vena and Frank landed in a lake quite far away. They went back through the weakening portal and found themselves in a cellar beneath a building inside the fortress.

The rest of us walked to the fortress gate. We were given four options: dress as guards, fake a delivery, burn down the gate or climb the walls. We decided to try all of them. Cassiel and Indiana would climb the walls, Vena would burn the gate, Frank would help as he’s good at accidentally setting things on fire. Like helpless orphans. And Crimthan and Lord Wolfy would dress as guards and fake a delivery. Cassiel and Indiana ventured around the back wall. There was a moat about 8-10 foot wide surrounding it. Indiana decided to jump it. She landed in the moat. Crimthan wanted to kill the guards, but they were in the tower and out of reach. So Lord Wolfy and Crimthan decided galloping Hades was the best way to get the guards’ attention. Cassiel insisted that war horses don’t gallop. DM rolled for it. Hades galloped towards the gate and got the guards’ attention. Lord Wolfy: “We’re delivering this war horse to the general.” Guard: “What’s the general’s name?” Lord Wolfy: “William. Smith.” Crimthan: “Pinkinton.” Guard: “Pinkinton?” Lord Wolfy: “That’s what his friends call him.” Crimthan: “it’s his nickname. We go way back.” Lord Wolfy: “You clearly don’t know him well.” One guard went back inside to check.

Around the back of the castle, Indiana threw her grappling hook up the wall without attaching the rope. Luckily Cassiel had another grappling hook but no rope. Indiana: “We’ll use my dress.” So they ripped up the dress and tied it to the grappling hook. Indiana: “And we’ll attach my whip to it.” DM: “In case you’re feeling kinky on the way up?” Indiana to Cassiel: “Check us out, crafting things.” They rolled a strength check to test the rope. 3. They gently tugged it. It held. They threw it up and to everyone’s surprise, it held. So they climbed, attracting the guard’s attention, who fired a crossbow bolt at them. Indiana: “Flash him!” Cassiel flashed the guard. And promptly fell off the rope. But the guard dropped his crossbow, so they considered that a success. The guard found another crossbow and shot at them again. Indiana: “Hey! That’s not nice! You got to see boobs.” Guard: “I’m gay.” Cassiel: “Then why did you drop the crossbow? You’re not as gay as you think you are.” Lord Wolfy: “Are you going to turn him?” DM: “Are you going to attempt to seduce the guard?” Cassiel decided against it.

Frank and Vena meanwhile, were still in the cellar. Vena’s bat, Zero, through the medium of squeaks, suggested it wasn’t safe to venture out. The commotion outside caught their attention. Vena: “Our party’s arrived.” After the guard round the front failed to return, Lord Wolfy and Crimthan headed around the back of the castle. The makeshift grappling hook broke and Indiana plummeted to the ground. Another guard appeared. Cassiel took aim. And shot herself in the foot. Indiana: “Flash him!” Cassiel and Lord Wolfy both flashed him, with Lord Wolfy tearing off his shorts. Cassiel: “You’re a zombie. Shouldn’t that have fallen off?” She managed to wound the guard while he was distracted. Lord Wolfy: “Will it help if I throw my penis at him?” You know you’re in trouble if you have to resort to throwing genitals at guards. And these were the easy ones!

Crimthan tied his rope to Cassiel’s arrow (with a roll of 19) and she fired it through a window. It fell straight back out. So Crimthan made a lasso with his rope and we all took turns at throwing it up the wall. After several failed attempts, we succeeded. Indiana scaled the wall and attempted a sneak attack on another guard. And failed.

Zero explored the cellar and alerted Vena and Frank to a button. Haunted by flashbacks of being in the cavern, Frank told Vena to press it. A portion of the wall slid aside, revealing the rest of us. There was a bit of a debate how to proceed and in the confusion, the cleric got thrown into the moat. DM: “He could’ve walked across by himself.” Bit late. Crimthan tried to save the drowning cleric, whose scale mail had dragged him under, only for his scale mail to get caught on Frank’s and they both sank to the bottom of the moat. Vena, Cassiel and Lord Wolfy failed several times to rescue them before Lord Wolfy heroically stepped up with his scythe to fish them out. His scythe pierced Frank’s armpit and under mysterious circumstances, Frank’s arm was severed. Lord Wolfy claimed the severed arm as a prize.

Meanwhile, Indiana attacked the guard, who fell off the wall, landing beside the others. Indiana: “Take his uniform!” A bleeding, wet Frank was promptly dressed in the guard’s uniform and pushed through the door to convince the rest of the guards that he was one of them. It didn’t work, so Crimthan arrived to charm them. This caused more confusion. Crimthan tried to convince them he was Frank’s trainer then attacked them (badly) while Frank rolled away to safety. Indiana realised being on top of the wall wasn’t helpful so swung down, to be confronted by the locked door into the building. A lack of lock picking kit is a big mistake for a Rogue. So she kicked the door in. DM: “You all hear a loud bang.” Lord Wolfy: “That would be our Rogue.” Indiana made it in and failed with her attack. Crimthan and Frank succeeded in wounding a guard, but fortunately, Vena saved everyone by torching the guards with her fire bubbles.

We decided to hunt down the general. Lord Wolfy and Cassiel sneaked off to gather supplies, which made us suspicious. Luckily, a large arrow pointed us in the direction of the general. Anyone would think DM didn’t trust us to succeed. We came across an ornate door. Vena threw a fireball at it. The fire slowed down then crawl over the door. She and Crimthan used their knowledge arcana to determine it was a magical door. Crimthan tried kicking it and melted his armour to his leg. DM: “It occurs to you there is a handle.” Crimthan turned the handle. The door opened. We can’t help thinking we might be a lot better at this if we stopped and thought about stuff instead of going in, all guns blazing only to fail miserably. Inside the room was a man glowing as he fed power to the mysterious Lord White Luminous Shine. Indiana: “Can I throw the cleric at him?” Throwing the cleric at problems has become our default option. But for the first time, Frank decided to put up a fight and successfully wrestled his way free from Indiana’s grip. Indiana: “You let everyone else throw you.” So she tried a sneak attack on the general. And tripped. She broke her nose.

We may have failed in every attempt at D & Ding, but you know it’s a good session when you laugh so hard your eyes hurt. Lord Wolfy to DM (who sat with his head in his hands): “was this how you imagined the story to go?” Flashing guards and dismembering your friends probably isn’t how most campaigns play out. We’re looking forwards to next week. The general should be very afraid. To quote a phase often uttered during play: “we’ve got this.”

The Play’s the Thing

Witches Abroad, Monstrous ProductionsWith 5 weeks to go until Witches Abroad’s opening night, we had our first rehearsal at The Gate. It’s an old church converted into an arts centre and we’ve been there twice before to watch Monstrous Productions’ Pratchett plays, but last night we got to go back stage. We were excited. Exploring places is our thing. Not sure how we’re all going to fit in to the dressing room though. We’ll probably follow our usual protocol of changing in toilets or the car. That’s not the glamorous image of actors, we know, but then again, we’re not actors. And we’re really good at changing in toilets and cars.

The warm up game consisted of two things we’re most uncomfortable with – closing your eyes in public and having people touch you as you walk around. So we were allowed to guard the steps to make sure no-one hurt themselves. One guy did, but he walked into the side barrier, not the steps. We weren’t guarding the sides. You’d think that having been part of this since November that we’d be completely at ease with everyone and be the typical us that our friends are used to, especially since everyone there is so nice. But we retreat into socially awkward us in big groups. We know we come across as aloof, probably even unfriendly, but we’re really not, even if we do immediately go and sit on the other side of the room from everyone else :D Sorry, fellow cast members. We actually like you but there’s a lot of you so we’ll continue sitting on the other side by ourselves looking awkward. If you’ve watched our Calamityville episodes, you may have noticed that when we’ve done group vigils, we don’t speak until we’re forced to. Socially Awkward Penguins isn’t a choice, it’s a lifestyle. Though we did speak to two guys last night. About the torture of epilating. Check us out enhancing our social skills!

We thought that our inability to lose our Socially Awkward Penguin state meant we were regressing, but our MCT therapist assured us we’re not. Now the anxiety has lessened, we’re left with our pathological make-up. Which unfortunately in our case, is Socially Awkward Penguin. If you ask our mum, she’ll tell you that even when we were 18 months old, we’d refuse to go into a play park if there was even one other child in there. We’d stand outside and wait until they had gone. (Standing and staring, just like the snake twins.) But our therapist said we must see this as an advantage. We’re playing creepy characters who don’t speak, so if we were as confident and comfortable as everyone else, we would be less convincing in our roles.

It was fantastic getting to see parts of the play performed at the Gate. It seems so real now. We can’t wait for the dress rehearsals. The speed runs of some scenes were brilliant. And the good news is, we terrify Caroline, who plays Lilith, every time we walk on stage to join her in our first scene. All we do is walk on, stare and nod. See, we said we were born to play creepy twins. In one scene we get to run behind a curtain and stay there in the dark for the rest of the scene. That might be our favourite bit. We love small dark spaces, they relax us. As our time spent in Newsham Park’s naughty cupboards and morgue fridge will testify.

It’s been an interesting experience to be involved in a play, especially as we were in the audience for Mort and Wyrd Sisters, so to be on the other side is strange. Part of us wishes we could be in the audience with our friends, so we’d get to see the whole play, because it really is brilliant. It doesn’t matter how many times we hear some of the lines, we still laugh. We’re in awe of everyone who have already learned their lines, in particular Zoe, who plays Nanny Ogg – she’s been off script for a while. All we have to do is remember when we walk on. Despite being Socially Awkward Penguins, we haven’t regretted saying yes. How many people get to say they’ve acted in a play of one of Terry Pratchett’s books? A year ago, no amount of cajoling/bribery/being held at gun point would have persuaded us to take part.

We’ve started reading Witches Abroad and Wyrd Sisters and we can’t read Granny, Nanny and Magrat’s dialogue without hearing it being spoken by Ellen, Zoe and Lowri who play them. It’s strange but also nice. If you love Pratchett, come and see the play. If you’ve never read a Pratchett book, come and see the play anyway. If you hate Pratchett… *tumble weed blows past* come and see the damn play. It’s well worth the money and you’re helping a great cause, as the money gets donated to Alzheimer’s UK.

Witches Abroad is on April 8th – 11th. Tickets are £8 or £6 concessions and you can buy them here or we have paper ones.

Witches Abroad

Warlock says “come and see Witches Abroad.”

Mining for Trouble

How do you defend against an attack by a sand worm? Throw the cleric at it. Pip and Steve return with a vengeance.

Players :
Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, evil lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Cassiel, chaotic evil ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully evil cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

The story so far: Escape From Fuck Mountain   Crypt Keepers   Campaign of Error

The last saga ended with Cassiel and Frank trapped behind  a wall, Indiana asleep in a cathedral and Lord Wolfy, Vena and Crimthan stuck outside the City of Lights. Our latest segment began outside the city walls. Lord Wolfy and Crimthan, although tempted to pile up the bodies of everyone living in the slums outside the city, agreed that it was too time-consuming. Crimthan suggested they burn the slums to the ground, luring out the guards. Vena, with her fire bubbles, would be perfect for the job. But before they could put their plan in action, a guard left the city and asked if they were mercenaries. An unconvincing ‘we might be’ persuaded him and he asked them to follow him into the city. They were immediately suspicious, but accompanied him anyway. As Vena pointed out, one of our party was inside the city. At this point, Indiana had woken in the cathedral and on finding nothing to steal, hid in a cupboard when she heard voices.

Meanwhile, Cassiel and Frank woke to find themselves in the Impossitanium Mine, chained to slaves, with no memory other than ‘purple’. Their weapons, provisions and Cassiel’s hawk were missing. Fortunately we’d already relieved them of their gold on a previous night so they didn’t have to worry about that. Cassiel challenged the guard, demanding to know what had happened to their stuff and what they were mining for. After several minutes of arguing, Frank managed to persuade Cassiel to start mining, as the guards didn’t seem like particularly pleasant people.

Vena, Lord Wolfy and Crimthan followed the guard into a room of important-looking men. Then Lord Wolfy suggested they go for a wander. Indiana heard them and emerged from her hiding place, to find herself on a balcony above them. Indiana: “I’m going to jump down.” DM: “you’re going to jump off a cathedral balcony?” Crimthan: “onto a concrete floor?” Indiana: *thinks* “maybe I’ll use the stairs.” DM: “no, no, you said you were going to jump. Roll to see if you manage to grab a banner on your way down.” We love the way DM forces us to carry out our crazy ideas, even though they are almost always detrimental to our health. Anyone would think we might have broken his sanity in some way… Indiana jumped, managed to grab a banner and tumbled ungracefully to the floor. We returned to the room with the important-looking men. The guard was confused as to why there was an extra person. Crimthan persuaded him she had always been there, she had just been behind his horse. Indiana: “I’m very small.” The mission, should we choose to accept it, was to quell a rebellion in the Impossitaniam Mine by any means necessary. In return, we could have anything at all. Indiana elected for new leather armour, as her dress is now rather tattered, (yes, Cat actually wore an elaborate dress to D & D this time) Lord Wolfy requested an animal familiar, Vena asked for medical supplies and Crimthan couldn’t decide, so DM suggested a better bastard sword.

In the mines, a small band of slaves had escaped and were freeing the other slaves. Cassiel shouted at the slaves to free her, so they left her until last. She attempted to swing her pickaxe at her shackles. It lodged in the ground. She rolled a strength check. 6. That pick was not coming out. Frank swung his pick at the shackles. It also stuck in the ground. His strength roll (3) also meant his pick was not moving. It wasn’t looking hopeful. Fortunately, the slaves released them. Instead of running for freedom, Cassiel decided they should look for the armoury to get their stuff back. They reached a crossroads with a riddle:

‘From here to there, left outside the mine, right way or wrong, find your way out.’

They went straight ahead and found themselves at similar crossroads. They went straight. And returned to the crossroads. Cassiel told Frank to chip off the wall so they could make a mark. Frank rolled a 20. Why are we only good at insignificant things? Frank marked the wall and they went backwards. Only to end up at the crossroads. Lynx to Steve: “Bet you wish you were glowing now.” Then a strange noise echoed down the mine – ‘mwarlarragh’. A sand worm. DM’s impersonation of the sandworm was the highlight of the evening.

The rest of us reached the mine to find dead guards and escaping slaves. We all rolled intimidation rolls to scare the miners back to work. Only Indiana succeeded. Embracing her evil side, Vena created a fire bubble and threw it down the mine, barbecuing some rebellious slaves while the others looked on in terror. Shouting ‘let that be a lesson to you’, the rest of us attacked. Well, we say attacked. For some reason, our prowess at succeeding at simple things doesn’t crossover into battle. Crimthan swung his sword and missed. Indiana only gave one slave a paper cut, Lord Wolfy’s wolf pounce wasn’t quite as ferocious as he’d hoped and Vena’s eldritch blast hit the ceiling. Luckily we rolled out of the way.

The sand worm decided he fancied a ranger and cleric snack. Weaponless, Cassiel panicked and asked if she could throw Frank at it (Pip and Steve are married in real life). Her strength roll not only allowed her to pick Frank up, but to work him like an Olympic hammer. She flung him into the sand worm, dazing them both. They fled and found themselves in a cavern, which contained three things: a red button in the middle of the floor, a pedestal and a pressure plate. The pedestal moved from left to right, towards the pressure plate. It would only take thirty seconds to reach the plate. Pressing the red button reset it. Cassiel and Frank took turns pressing the button while arguing about what they should do. Frank tried pressing a grove in the wall behind the pedestal. He failed and was dragged along the floor. Cassiel reset the pedestal and tried to push the wall. She also failed and was dragged. Twice.

Crimthan attacked another slave, missed and received a pickaxe to the shoulder for his troubles. He then couldn’t use his two-handed bastard sword, so took the whip Indiana had stolen from a dead guard and lashed a slave in the face. Indiana killed the slave while Vena attempted another eldritch blast. This one bounced off the floor. Lord Wolfy performed another wolf pounce, only to jump over the slaves. He jumped back, this time managing to scrape some of them with his claws. Indiana stabbed one slave in the thigh and Lord Wolfy chopped his legs off with his scythe. The slaves, completely confused and scared of these inept warriors, decided the mine was a safer place to be. We followed them and chained them up. That’ll teach ‘em.

Cassiel and Frank were still battling the pedestal in the cavern. Cassiel tried to force Frank onto the pressure plate. He refused and while they were bickering, they forgot to press the red button. The pedestal hit the pressure plate and opened a door. Shamefaced, they left the cavern, joining up with the rest of us. Cassiel noticed Lord Wolfy was a strange grey colour. Despite our attempts to persuade her he was ill from eating bad meat, her nature knowledge roll exposed him as a zombie. We assured her only Vena’s crispy arm was in danger of him and despite us all drinking water infected from the zombie virus, we were all healthy. DM to Cassiel and Frank: “You notice one of your party is wearing what was an opulent dress but is now tattered.” Cassiel to Indiana: “What happened to you?” Indiana: “I jumped into acid mist and spent some time naked.” We went outside to ask one of the barely-living guards where the armoury was. He died before he could tell us. Vena attempted CPR, but her ruined arm hindered her, so Indiana suggested Lord Wolfy bite him to turn him into a zombie so he could tell us. Lord Wolfy bit him to bring him back to life. It didn’t work. DM: “You realise two of your party are still dressed as slaves, which may look suspicious to the men who hired you.” Indiana: “Should we chain them back up?” We stripped two guards of their uniforms to disguise Cassiel and Frank then decided to return to the City of Lights to claim our reward. Unfortunately, Crimthan is the only one with a horse and the knowledge of riding. So Cassiel and Lord Wolfy attempted to use their nature knowledge to control the two cart horses. Cassiel’s horse obeyed and went straight ahead. Lord Wolfy’s turned right. He eventually got it under control and we returned to the city, victorious.

*N.B* We are in the process of setting up a new blog purely for our D & D campaign. By ‘in the process of’, we mean we’ve talked about it, got a shortlist of blog themes but cannot think of a title for it so haven’t progressed further than that. We’d be very grateful for any title suggestions!

Campaign of Error

Saturday resulted in us committing cold blooded murder and doing something unspeakable with our victims’ corpses. No, we haven’t finally snapped and gone on a rampage. We were playing D and D.

Players :
Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, evil lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Cassiel, ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully evil cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

The Story so far: Escape From Fuck Mountain  Crypt Keepers


Lord Wolfy and DM with on-screen Pip

We were two members down as Pip was participating in a 24 hour game playing live stream event for charity and Steve was at home. Though we had Pip’s stream on the TV so we could watch her reactions as Tom updated her on the campaign. She then informed her viewers, who are now a little scared of our group :D

We were still in the crypt where we ended the last meeting. Opening a chest containing purple mist resulted in all characters becoming evil, except Lord Wolfy who was outside. Vena lost all her spells and had to chose one new ability. She could have had necromancy, death, destruction…she chose bubbles. Unadulterated evil doesn’t come as easily to her and Cassiel as it does to Indiana, Crimthan and Lord Wolfy. Frank’s acts of evil are pure accident.

Our first task was to solve four riddles Tom had created. The first one nearly threw us: The way out is leet, which turned out to an Internet term for where the numerals represent the letters they look like. None of us had heard of it (much to Bryn’s shock). But we came really close to solving it. Indiana was elected to enter the booby trapped room, where she had to step on floor tiles corresponding to the correct answer. The riddles were 1: It’s at the beginning of eternity and the end of time. 2: What is lost in the day and found at night? 3: You go in blind and come out seeing. 4: The man who makes it, sells it. The person who buys it doesn’t use it. The person who uses it doesn’t know it. She failed the third one and plummeted into a hole. Crimthan chose Lord Wolfy to continue the challenge. He completed it and pulled a lever hidden in a coffin. The room also contained a bed, a chest and a candle. Crimthan tied his rope around the bed, which he and Vena sat on to add weight so Indiana could climb out of the hole. We returned to the room we’d left only to find Cassiel and Frank had vanished. Grooves on the floor betrayed their fate – they were trapped behind a wall.

We spent a very long time trying to work out how to move the wall. Crimthan checked for hidden switches, but didn’t find any. Every time we rolled a search check, DM’s answer was “it’s a concrete wall.” Lord Wolfy decided to return to the riddle room and pulled the lever in the coffin. Nothing happened. He moved the bed, which triggered arrows to shoot at him. He successfully dodged them. Indiana and Vena ventured back in and Indiana opened the chest, releasing an acid mist. Whoops. She did a reflex roll on the 20-sided dice. And rolled 1. So she leapt straight into the acid mist, melting off her leather armour. That could have gone better. Vena picked up the candle, which spewed fire over her. Her reflex roll resulted in her arm being burnt to a crisp. Indiana and Vena trudged back to Crimthan and Lord Wolfy, injured, coloured in shame and in Indiana’s case, naked. Lord Wolfy relinquished his wolf fur kilt and Crimthan sold her his fancy fur cloak. The kilt was too big, so Indiana fashioned a belt out of her grappling hook. Suddenly, Cat doesn’t find dressing as her character as appealing anymore.

Crimthan extinguished Vena’s arm, but it was badly damaged. Tempted by the smell of cooked flesh, Lord Wolfy offered to chew it off. Crimthan and Indiana talked him out of it – Vena would need both hands to cast spells. Lord Wolfy ventured outside and snacked on the zombified guards. If you think food poisoning is bad, try eating something infected with zombieism. Lord Wolfy may not be long for this world. After continuously failing to find a way around the wall trap, the now stressed DM hinted that Cassiel and Frank could not be rescued as they were not here. We left.

Lord Wolfy found a map in the cart we’d travelled in. Indiana tried to steal it off him and failed, resulting in her grappling hook getting stuck in Lord Wolfy’s belt. He reluctantly showed it to Crimthan, whose charisma modifier is significantly higher (4 against 1). We then became suspicious of Lord Wolfy’s unhealthy appearance and Crimthan attempted to tie him to the cart. Indiana came to help and tied her arm to Crimthan’s leg. Crimthan: “We should’ve left you in the hole.” After that embarrassing escapade, we decided to head for the closest place on the map – the City of Lights so Indiana could get some clothes. One problem – two horses had pulled the cart here and now we only had Hades, Crimthan’s war horse, who is more accustomed to battle than pulling carts. Fortunately, Crimthan has an empathic link to Hades, so persuading him to pull the cart wasn’t a problem. However, our water supply was. Crimthan and Indiana were the only ones with water skins. Lord Wolfy magicked a water globe, which immediately splattered into the desert. A day of desert travel used up all our water, so Lord Wolfy created another water globe which we persuaded him to pour into the cart. After we’d collected the water in our skins and drank it, DM reminded us that the cart had been used to transport corpses, which became zombies. Vena, Indiana and Crimthan suddenly weren’t feeling wonderful. The next day, Vena woke to find Lord Wolfy gnawing on her arm. It’s always awkward when that happens. After another day of travel, Crimthan used his charisma to force Lord Wolfy to make more water so he could contain it in one of his tents. Lord Wolfy responded by making the globe splatter over Crimthan’s head, drenching him.

We eventually stumbled out of the desert into grassy plains which led to a farm.  A well provided clean, zombie-virus free water, so we went looking for food. Lord Wolfy slipped out to the shop in real life so Vena, Indiana and Crimthan broke into the farmhouse and raided the pantry. Splashing upstairs pricked our ears. We were not alone. Indiana attempted to sneak upstairs. And tripped. Sneak attacks are not her strong point. The farmer’s wife leapt out of the bath, screaming at us to get out of her house. Quite frankly, her hosting skills could use a little work. She didn’t once offer us food and drink. She’s clearly not from west Wales. Crimthan and Indiana attempted to appease her by claiming zombies were coming and we were there to protect her. She was not convinced and was becoming hysterical. There was only one solution – Crimthan talked DM into letting us kill her then Indiana slit her throat. We succeed so much better at random, unimportant things than we do with vital things like combat. As the woman’s blood dripped down the stairs, Vena convinced her bat to drink it. It was about time the bat contributed to the campaign. Indiana raided the wife’s wardrobe for clothes and ended up with an elaborate dress. Can’t help thinking this was revenge on the DM’s part for all the cock ups. Or maybe ‘cos in real life, we wear impractical clothing so wearing an elaborate dress for adventures isn’t that far fetched. Cutting it off at the knees and slitting it up the sides to allow access to Indiana’s daggers was the only way to avoid her dexterity being compromised. Shame about her dignity.

Lord Wolfy returned and teamed up with Crimthan and Indiana to harvest the wife’s ribs – they could always come in handy for lock picks. DM reminded us that none of us had craft skills, but we weren’t deterred. Unfortunately, we snapped the ribs (should’ve listened to DM), but her skull was much easier to steal. Crimthan told Lord Wolfy to eat the wife, so there would be no evidence. Lord Wolfy surrendered to his blossoming zombie instincts and chowed her down. He decided we needed to send a message to the farmer, so used what remained of her blood to draw a crude picture of her wall on the wall with two chilling messages: ‘alive‘ and ‘hope you’re happy’. This second message was part of his plan to convince the farmer that he hired us to kill his wife. Vena was against this whole plan, but unfortunately was outnumbered by three people who had discovered a new love of art. Vena spent her time throwing up. We then lit flint inside the woman’s skull to illuminate our morbid mural.

We slept in the farmhouse while we awaited the farmer’s arrival. You know what it’s like when you’ve planned a surprise for someone – it’s not the same if you’re not there to see their reaction. When the farmer returned, we were taken aback to learn he was a she. She became hysterical when she discovered we’d murdered her wife and Crimthan was wearing her hair, after Indiana said  it would be paying tribute to the butchered woman. She refused to believe she’d got drunk and hired us to kill her wife. Attempts at calming her failed, so again, Crimthan charmed DM into letting us kill her. Indiana plunged both daggers into her breasts. Lord Wolfy heroically ate her as well, leaving Indiana to swipe her skull. Vena had stopped throwing up by now, having become a little desensitised to the carnage. There was nothing worth sticking around for, so as we left, Lord Wolfy talked Vena into torching the house. Vena threw a fire bubble at the house and we walked away in slow motion without looking back. Like goddamn heroes.

Pip’s live screen reaction to this turn of events was priceless. You know the campaign is not going to the DM’s plan when he sits with his head in his hands, emitting something between hysterical laughter and wails of despair. Our Twitter update read: We broke Tom.

We reached the City of Lights by nightfall and Lord Wolfy thought the best way to walk through the slums was to pretend to be a theatre troupe.  After all, we had skulls, so we could act out Hamlet. Or whatever version of Hamlet exists in our Fuck Mountain fantasy land. Vena: “I’m not with them,” as we passed frightened people. Unfortunately, we burned our cart with the house and a war horse in full armour isn’t something usually associated with travelling theatre. Lord Wolfy: “we should remove the horse’s armour so he looks more like a horse.” For some reason, the people in the slums were terrified and kept running away. We captured a child and asked him why everyone was so scared. He refused to answer. There was only one thing for it – Lord Wolfy transformed into a wolf and pinned him down, while Indiana aimed a dagger at his face. Crimthan warned the child that Lord Wolfy would eat him if he didn’t talk. Vena was against the idea, but again was outnumbered. Our methods of interrogation failed. So not wishing to make a liar out of Crimthan, Lord Wolfy ate the child. He was warned.

And Frank the cleric had nothing to do with it. We like to think we killed the child in his honour.

We reached the city walls, which were guarded by two portcullises. Indiana used her grappling hook to scale the wall, leaving the rest of us outside, loitering like unsavoury types. DM: “You’re wearing an elaborate dress.” Indiana: “Which I hacked off at the knees.” DM: “You just swung down the wall in a short dress and landed on your arse in front of guards.” Indiana: “Evening, lads.” She then tried to convince the guards she was a queen from a far off land. They demanded to see her royal seal, so she sent them to fetch her handmaiden. Lord Wolfy claimed to be the handmaiden and said the amulet worn by Vena was the seal of Atlantis. The guards weren’t convinced. Guards in the City of Light are really mistrustful of heavily armed, oddly dressed, skull-bearing strangers!

While Indiana parkoured her way up the walls surrounding the cathedral, the rest of us tried to talk our way inside. Lord Wolfy tried persuading the guards that they needed a pet wolf. But they weren’t convinced, even when Crimthan pointed out Lord Wolfy looks damn fine in the rain. So Lord Wolfy told them he and Crimthan wished to marry in the cathedral. Guards: “You’re both men.” Lord Wolfy: “That’s very homophobic of you.” Guards: “Our religion doesn’t allow same sex marriage.” Crimthan: “but there were two women who were married in the farmouse.” Guard: “they’ve been banished.” Crimthan: “well it’s a good job we dealt with them then.” Guard: “did you murder them?” Crimthan: “no, we dealt with them. In your god’s name.”

Indiana attempted to swing in through the cathedral window and swung into the wall. She climbed in through the window and looked around. In hindsight, searching for a way to open the portcullis might have been more beneficial. The guards still refused to allow the others in, despite Lord Wolfy suggesting their monarch would love our theatre performance, so Indiana suggested setting fire to the child’s corpse and throwing it over the wall as a distraction. Lord Wolfy thought it would be a good idea to kill everyone in the slums and pile their corpses against the wall to climb over. Vena: “stop killing people!”

Will Indiana be caught in the cathedral? Will Vena, Lord Wolfy and Crimthan get beyond the city walls? Will Cassiel and Frank escape the crypt? And will DM ever recover his broken sanity? Only the dice knows.

Crypt Keepers

We may have finally escaped Fuck Mountain, however, its curse hangs over us and we remain the most incompetent D & D players probably in history. But then, you expected that, right? February is apparently DM appreciation month and a site listed a load of things D & Ders could do to show their appreciation. Surprisingly, Tom didn’t write it. One included dressing as your character, which we already do. Another suggested making a crown or sash for your DM and making them wear it. So between bathing the iguana and waiting for the rugby to start, we found some black card and silver and gold pens and we made Tom a crown. And yes, he wore it throughout.

All hail King God

All hail King God

We had three NPCs (non-playing characters) join us – Bryn, Kae and Brad. And Bryn brought Samurai swords. So we started proceedings with a group photo, with us, Jordan and Bryn brandishing weapons and looking more like a troop of serial killers than friends playing a role playing game. Here’s a reminder of who we are:

Lynx – Crimthan, lawfully evil Paladin with a war horse, Hades. Cat – Indiana Raine, chaotically evil Rogue. Amy – Vena Owens, neutrally lawful wizard/waitress. Jordan – Lord Wolfy, chaotically neutral druid who can shapeshift into a wolf and looks damn fine in the rain. Pip – Casiel, ranger who keeps getting hit out of trees. Steve – Frank the lawfully good cleric who left an orphan to burn to death and is forever taunted for it. Tom – our long-suffering DM. Also known as God.

The story so far: Escape from Fuck Mountain

We started by checking the map to see where we needed to go and were attracted to a vault inside a crypt, which looked to be about a day’s journey away. We judged this on the fact it took us three days to get off Fuck Mountain. Crimthan and Indiana decided to steal a wagon. Preferably the wagon containing the money for the orphanage. Lord Wolfy was in on the plan. We tried persuading Frank, who was reminded that his god was not pleased with him for the orphan death. Lord Wolfy, Indiana and Crimthan tried persuading Frank to change his alliance to evil. Also being of the religious persuasion, Crimthan pointed out that he serves a god, it’s just that his is a dark god. After wrestling with his conscience, Frank declined to help. So Crimthan and Indiana found a cart laden with corpses that was heading for the crypts and offered their services as guards in exchange for a ride. We then had to persuade the others to join us so told Frank his god wanted him to ride with the corpse of his victim as penance. Guilt tripping is a marvellous invention.

We killed time buying weapons and mocking Frank and Casiel for the fact they had no gold for the shop. Because we’d stolen it in the last play. When midday rolled around, we made our way to the wagon, only to encounter an old woman (Kae) near the bridge. She had bags of shopping and shiny objects. Lord Wolfy and Indiana concocted a plan to murder the old woman and rob her corpse and asked Frank to distract her so Indiana could use her sneak attack skills. Indiana told Frank the old woman was a witch and the shiny object in her hand was a dagger, that she planned to kill our party with. The DM reminded Frank that despite the number of deaths he had caused, he was lawfully good and participating in the murder and robbery of an old woman wouldn’t win him any favours with his god. So Crimthan stepped in to help. Lord Wolfy then bought favours (no, not that kind) off Casiel, Crimthan, Indiana and Vena and called in his favour to Vena to make her use a daze spell on the old woman. In the meantime, Casiel had offered to help the old woman and took her shopping bags. Vena dazed the woman, Indiana failed in her sneak attack so Lord Wolfy butchered the woman with his scythe. Then Indiana robbed her and she and Crimthan ran off to the wagon. It turned out, the old woman did have a dagger. Frank failed to heal her and left her to bleed to death while she cursed us all. Despite being good, Frank has caused more deaths than the two evil characters combined.

Lord Wolfy called in his favours to Crimthan and Indiana, forcing them to surrender all their gold to him, which he then passed on to one of the guards (Brad). So Indiana robbed the guard. We finally made it to the crypt and sent Vena in to open the vault with her spells. The guards (Bryn and Brad) carried the corpses in and before we could get into the vault, the corpses became the living dead and attacked the guards, turning them into zombies. Crimthan attacked them, slicing off an arm. Vena partially melted one. Indiana heroically tripped and fell into one then got bitten. Between the six of us, we finally managed to defeat the two zombies and headed into the vaults. Lord Wolfy stayed outside. Crimthan went first and triggered a trap, getting shot by arrows. Indiana searched for other traps but failed to find them so sent Frank on ahead, just in case.

After a long debate about whether we should or should not open sarcophagi to check for treasure, we passed through some more rooms. Vena and Indiana spotted a small chest, which Frank and Crimthan didn’t see as they were busy staring at the walls. Indiana stumbled getting to the chest so Vena opened it. And released a purple light that infiltrated everyone in the room, turning Vena, Casiel and Frank evil (it was just a matter of time really), and making Crimthan and Indiana even more evil. Safe outside, Lord Wolfy was unaffected. Vena found an amulet at the bottom of the chest. It will no doubt get stolen the next time we meet.

Room at the Inn

The Skirrid InnLurking in the graveyards, going in places we shouldn’t be and frightening other ghost hunters. Yes, it’s another episode of Calamityville Horror. Last night we got to do two things we’ve wanted to do for ages – meet Laura Dixon and Jack Strange from Jack and Laura Ghost Series and spend the entire night in the Skirrid Inn. The last time we were at the Skirrid was October 2012, before Neen joined the team and we spent our time behaving inappropriately towards Fanny Price’s name and dancing. We couldn’t wait to go back.

The Skirrid InnJack and Laura had organised the ghost hunting evening and sleepover and invited us. We arrived early (we know, this never happens) and spent our time wisely: eating and getting a bit wobbly on the vodka. After just the one we had trouble standing. Two more later and navigating the uneven, warped stairs of this beautiful 17th century building while laden down with our equipment proved to be an unwise decision.

The Skirrid InnWhile the patrons continued drinking in the bar, we met up with Jack and Laura and also Karin, Lorraine and Colin for our night of ghost hunting. We dumped our stuff in bedroom one then gathered our equipment and headed out to the graveyard, where us two debated about the location of Fanny’s grave. Trying to find fanny in a graveyard isn’t what they recommend on dating sites. Lynx was right. We soon found it and did an EVP session there. The Mel meter had quite a high reading and when Cat asked Fanny if she remembered us, it bleeped. Either that was in acknowledgement, or the Mel meter was censoring Fanny’s enraged outburst. We used our laser grid pen for the first time, spattering purple dots over the graves but Fanny refused to play shadow puppets. She used to be the landlady of the Skirrid and is rumoured to still haunt it after dying of consumption. Cat was concerned that her camera couldn’t see anything, then after 30 minutes, realised it wasn’t on nightshot mode. *Facepalm*

The Skirrid Inn

Room one

We moved on to the church, where Lorraine picked up on a little girl called Alice. She made herself known to Jack and Laura the last time they visited. Again, the Mel meter spiked and bleeped. Jack discovered the church was open, so in true Calamityville style, we went in. Calamityville’s rule is, if they don’t want us entering, they should lock their doors. Jack and Laura joined us and we did some calling out, praying the person who appeared was not the vicar or the police. Cat was up in the pulpit, so running down the steps in the pitch black to avoid capture would not have been safe. But it would have made great viewing.

The Skirrid Inn

room two

We returned to the Inn and set up in bedroom 2. Cat’s Sony night vision camera lost 20 minutes off its battery. This has never happened. Colin’s REMpod started bleeping by the bathroom door even though no-one was near it. Neen moved into the doorway and when she later left, somehow managed to stab herself in the eye on the REMpod’s aerial. This takes a special kind of skill. This was after she hurt her knee getting on the bed. The Skirrid InnWe returned to room one for a break then took turns going into the downstairs adjoining bathroom in pairs. Laura saw strange flashing white lights at the top of the stairs and when we were in there, there was a thud on the ceiling, but as it’s the roof, this was probably a bird outside. The Mel meter emitted a high pitched noise and didn’t stop, despite numerous requests for the spirit to move away. When Lynx shouted “Oi! Move away!” the meter immediately fell silent. Coming from a family of teachers is useful when dealing with unruly spirts.

The Skirrid InnWe headed downstairs and Cat said to Lynx, “don’t fall, my camera isn’t on.” Lynx fell down the next step, but managed to save herself before crashing headfirst into the zombie butler. As Cat laughed, her camera tipped off the tripod, bruising her finger. Karma. We moved to the bar and attempted to contact the spirits using the Saints Row ‘Gat out of Hell’ Wee-Ja board that Tom got us (thanks Tom, you’re ace) but the spirits didn’t want to come and play. We can’t help thinking that spirits screen their ouija board calls and when they know we’re on the line, they won’t answer. The Skirrid InnColin removed the tankard from above the fireplace, as this apparently angers one male spirit. Cat pretended to drink out of the tankard to see if she could get a reaction but regretted it after inhaling the mouldy liquid inside it. Then Neen called “Alice” in a really creepy way. Colin flew off his stool, nearly hitting the floor while the rest of us laughed so hard our stomachs hurt. Lorraine and Karin had an ovilus and though we mostly can’t understand what oviluses are saying we all heard two words: “Fuck off.” This is the first time a device has sworn at us. That was a proud moment.

The Skirrid Inn

room three

We returned upstairs for another break then did a seance in room 3, which is Fanny Price’s room. Neen lay on the bed while we all formed a circle around her, looking more like an exorcism group then ghost hunters. Sadly Neen did not start levitating and swearing in Latin. Karin, Lorraine and Colin went downstairs while the rest of us stayed in room 3, but got no activity. We moved to room one’s bathroom, where a lady once ran out claiming a woman tried to drown her in the bath. Lynx was volunteered to sit in the bath.The Skirrid Inn

Karin, Lorraine and Colin left about 4 ish so we moved down to the dining room with the Wee-Ja board. We kept hearing distant voices. We’d heard them when we were upstairs, like people talking, but we were the only 5 people in the Inn.

The Skirrid Inn

room one bathroom

We eventually retired to bed at 4:45, with Jack and Laura taking room 3 and us lot taking room one. We set up the night vision camera to watch us sleep in a really creepy manner.

The Skirrid Inn

breakfast in the dining room

In the morning, the landlord, Geoff served everyone breakfast then agreed to be interviewed. He told us one woman fled her room, and another couple left a note with the money, saying they couldn’t stay but would return one day with friends. He’s owned the inn for ten years and many years ago, used to own a pub which is just down the road from us! In fact, we held the wake for our grampy there. Small world. He’s invited us back and even said we were professional. Calamityville Horror, professional? Next we’ll be behaving like grown ups and getting permission before entering buildings.

We had a fantastic night. It was great to finally meet Jack and Laura and hopefully we’ll team up again. Though we feel they didn’t get the full Calamityville experience. We were a bit quiet and didn’t misbehave. Next time though…The Skirrid Inn

Follow Jack and Laura on Twitter: @JLGhostEps @JackSamStrange @LauraSianDixon

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